This last month has been...crazy. No better word. I was quite literally sucked out of the ashram due to my grandmother's death on the east coast coupled with an offer for some contract work in Colorado. My dear friend Kristin has been trying to get me to move to Boulder for approximately 6 years now so I figured that since I had to get on a plane to fly across the county for the 2nd time in 2 weeks I should make a stop at what I have heard is a beautiful place and see if it's somewhere I would like to stay.
WELL..I am not sure if it's because I was living in an ashram for 7 months or if it's because I am in my Ketu Period (check out Vedic Astrology-it's fascinating-part of yoga)...but I have felt like I have been swimming upstream (see previous post) since I have been here! Nothing has quite worked out as far as apartments and jobs and I find myself so missing the community and contemplative time at the ashram. So here I am: a fork in the road. Go back, or make a go 'outside'? I wrote an essay the other day about something much deeper than whether to go back to the ashram or not, but there is a parallel. It's about wanting to leave this earth...BEAUTIFUL MOTHER EARTH. Yes-those thoughts have crept in but not in a dark way-a contemplative way. In a way where the yogi realizes they do not want to keep going around on the same cycles...sort of like,"Been here, done that...I get it...I need to master this." And it's like the ashram because while I think it would be great to return; I want to be 100% I am doing so not to run away from this mundane life of working for a paycheck and cars and stoplights and television (distraction) and such...but to run TO the ashram because it's where I can continue to grow. And just like life on this earth...I want to leave when I am ready, not because it's too hard. See my thoughts below...written at a table in a bistro in Boulder one night while I dined alone on a veggie burger and gluten-free beer (!)
I don't want to keep doing this world. I KNOW THAT.
However, I don't want to be tired of this world because it's hard.
I want to KNOW the beauty, love, serenity IN this world (Mother).
Then I will want to stop doing this world because I will have tasted the sweet nectar that created all of this (Father).
I will want to join that out of a place of complete awe in such power and unending love.
Not because this life is hard
But because it's beautiful.
I'll want that love eternally so much that I can then surrender with ease.
Om tat sat
