My Small, Quaint Moldovan...

Well folks, I can't beat around this one. I have written about health, food, spirit and love. And now comes a very personal post about myself and possibly the most real reason I haven't written in such a long time. I have been busy falling in...love.

a lady in love

I have written in the past about how I have a tendency to see myself through the eyes of others. This was something that Swami Sita could see in my astrological chart and that I have always known. In simple English, this means I care way too stinking much what others think about me and I form my self-image based on their feedback of me. This is SUPER dangerous. This is something that I have had to work on, strengthening my own sense of self has been a freaking struggle my entire life. And now Costea has came along. Costea is short for Constantin. His name sort of sums it up. He is consistent and constant and loving and honest. From the beginning he was incredibly honest with me and asked of the same from me.

 I had never had someone so forthright about their feelings and about their impressions of me-good and bad. It was refreshing. Those weaknesses he exposed were ones that I knew all too well of, that I had been trying to hide or cover up. My ego didn't want to admit any of them! But Costea insisted I could change, I could grow and get better and better. In fact he was sure of it and wanted to be a part of that process. And he asked that I do that same for him. This was love. Of course this didn't all happen overnight and as with all meaningful relationships it has taken a lot of work for us to get to the place we find ourselves-married!

 For the last months, I have been focused on my relationship and my work in Moldova and so that meant not much room in my mind or days for the pleasure-filled outlet of writing, which I do love so much, on this blog and other projects. Thank you for being here, for bearing with me, for being...

In my last post, I proclaimed I was back to food. I was back to believing strongly that what we put into our bodies has MAJOR effects as to what goes on in our lives. And I have proclaimed in the past that all I want to do is to help people to better understand their own body's needs-nutritionally and through movement, as well as how this connects, or is the "gateway" to their entire life-both spiritual and here on Earth! That connection is so REAL and it's something that I can't get away from. Through all of my business background, non-profit work and *secret* desires to be wealthy and not-so-secret desire to be healthy, it is food, spirit, and wellness that keep pulling me back in. And when Costea and I talk about my career, the past failures, the current struggles, and future dreams, he tells me in his honesty that it is with FOOD and SPIRIT and WELLNESS and UPLIFTING and YOGA and WRITING where he sees my power. He applauds my past attempts to make a living in these areas, understands and empathizes in my failures, and empowers me to blaze forward. Forget about money, forget about fame, forget about making an name and just GO WITH YOUR PASSION.

If I could ever give out some of the best advice I also received, it would be to find a partner who is an honest witness to your own being and who is not afraid to report back what they observe-out of love and out of the desire for growth. Because life is both light and dark, and the person who sees the dark and is not afraid to pull you out of it, is a true gift.

I have learned so much in my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer. International relations, project writing, and empowerment. These skills will not go to waste and the work and connections I make here continue to be meaningful in ways I never could have dreamed. I found my husband! I found amazing friends, and I am finding the way to see myself through my own eyes, and those of a trusted partner.

Om!

Can't Help Falling in Love...

I do a lot of contemplating about desires, wants, satisfaction, peace of mind, happiness, and in the end...love. Because that is what it all boils down to in my book. I have spent most of my life either dreaming about "falling in love" or going through the process, only to oh-too-soon be moving through the painful process of having that "love" taken away, fall apart, or simply seem to vaporize.  


Earlier this week, as a legend in music's death hit the news, a friend sent me a link to the one song that Whitney Houston shared with the world that really hit us all over the head. In my dear friend's words, "I will remember her as bringing one of the most powerful, positive songs into the world. She was meant to sing this song. The words so beautifully describe falling in love with the Divine within- truly the greatest love of all." Of course she was referring to the song The Greatest Love of All. I remembered being a small girl in the back seat of my mom's station wagon listening to that song. I found the greatest, love of all, inside of me.


I decided to share some of those lyrics on my Facebook wall as way to commemorate the late singer, but also as a reminder to myself and others about self-love. It's a topic that seems to be gaining mainstream popularity with articles about people never finding love (and living to tell about it-haha) and TED Talks about what actually makes marriage work (and how 50% fail within a decade). As I read through Houston's song lyrics, I decided to post the following lines:


The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all


What our minds leap to most quickly on the topic of love, is more accurately, relationship.  Love, as will be explained a little further down, exists within everything. Or in other words, life IS love.  They cannot be separated. It is only our minds that make up a story about us either having or not-having love. And as a friend commented under my post on Facebook, "It's not so easy to achieve!" And she is right. Learning to love ourselves is difficult. We are so much better, so much more used to, and so much more "rewarded" for being self-critical. While no one wants to hear another bragging about how wonderful their life is, it seems to be completely normal to discuss how horrible, dreadful our jobs, bodies, families  are. Where did this come from? Why is it so bad to be appreciative of all we have? To be IN LOVE with our lives?


Today, on Valentine's Day, a day where we celebrate this "relationship love", I have been listening to the Ingrid Michaelson remake of Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Aside from that I really like the artist's voice, I went into the listening with an open mind and heart. Where would my mind take me as I let it wander? I knew going into push play, that I might start to have those thoughts that say, "Why doesn't anyone ever fall in love with me?" and, "I wonder if I am lovable?" But I also knew that I was embracing the fact that I am where am in my life and relationships by choice. And knowing that I have an open heart...could I rise above those thoughts? I will "brag" here that I did :) As I listened to the words, I can't help, falling in love with you, I realized that the one person that I wanted to love more than anyone, and the one "person" I wanted to love "me"...more than anything, was me. 


I can remember being a little girl, perhaps around 5 years old. I was a goofy little thing. All smiles, laughter and mischief. She was aware of the love that she was full of. And then life happened and she started listening more and more to what the world outside of her said. She took those things and reflected back to herself that she wasn't "good enough" in so many ways. Today, I remember being her, being wonderful, and I accept that I am still her. And I love her.


I will close this post with the reminders I have posted here twice before, about love. These are the lessons of love I learned from my yoga teacher, Swami Sitaramananda:  


LOVE is:

1) Different than attachment. Attachment always brings along its friend fear. If we think it's possible to lose something, then we are attached. Attachment can indeed turn in to love-but only once fear is removed. 
2) Pure and Selfless. Love is to give and not to get.
3) Different than desire. Desire is insatiable. It can never truly be fulfilled. Desire implies something you don't already have (quite different from love which is in us all-at all times) and that you must look externally for it. This search leads to suffering.
4) Infinite. It is never damaged and it never dries up. Love has no beginning and no end. It is our natural state. It is our birthright.
5) Creative. It has the power to redeem, renew, transform. Once we open to love, anything and everything is possible.
6) Present in all conditions. It is the greatest wealth, the greatest peace, and it's yours NOW and forever.


I LOVE YOU!   OM tat sat.

Head Above Water

In considering what I will write in a blog post, I often look at what I have recently written, as well as refer to recent emails from friends and family back home. What are they asking? What do they want to know? What seems to intrigue people? Usually it is questions about how I am feeling, and then, what I am doing. This order should be of note.

Seeing as I am only one month in as a sworn-in volunteer, what comes up as a topic ripe for the picking (like the gorgeous and delicious grapes right now in Moldova) is the topic of staying in a "good" place with one's Self-mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Often when we think of the Peace Corps, we think of selfless service. We think of being inundated with so much "new" that we tend to underestimate how much of the "old" we will still actually deal with. This is because not only do we, as volunteers, enter a new country/community/culture, but we also take along our Self, that has lived through so much before this time. I capitalize the term 'Self' because in my mind, it deserves a proper name...the essence of our being that is steadfast and never separate from us regardless of age, location or vocation.

And so, when we enter into the world of literally all "new" we are faced with a great challenge of deciding what of the "old" should come along and what should be left behind. For example: my entire life I have been a people-pleaser. I am not sure why, I was born this way. God-forbid someone was upset with me, especially when it was over something I felt I had no control. I have been working hard at trying to let these old patterns slip away and live more in an "I am doing my best, what others think is their business" attitude. And guess what? Here in Moldova, or in any completely new culture, you simply cannot know what others are thinking. And even if you tried to ask in your new language, the query may (most likely) come across the wrong way, and you won't even understand the response. Or worse, you think you understand the response but it's actually an incorrect interpretation. And with this, my tendency to be overly concerned with my relations with others simply cannot come along for this ride. My Peace Corps experience just might help me to eradicate this less than desirable trait-hooray!

This is just one example of the multitude of old ways of thinking and being that may very well be thoroughly examined during Peace Corps service. Undoubtedly, every volunteer will face aspects of themselves that simply will not jive with living the most authentic and effective two years of service. We will stare in the mirror, either literally or when we look at others and how we react to them. We will see things we do not like, that need change, but also that we love and deserve gratitude. Yes, we did indeed come into Peace Corps service to help. And we knew that this "help" or improvement would extend both out to the world around us and inward to the world that lies within.

I guess what I want to get across here, the fruit that we may together so deliciously savor, is that when we place ourselves in situations of great pressure, we are as a rock placed in a tumbler...tossed, thrown, battered. This part is quite uncomfortable. But what comes out is a shining gem. When we are able to face ourselves and those around us, to keep our heads above water through compassion and understanding...when we are able to comprehend and surrender to the beautiful fact that when we help ourselves we help others and vice versa...we change the world. Inner and outer.

And so to answer the question how am I? : I am up and down and all around.

And to answer the question what am I doing? I am seeking balance. I am struggling. I am growing. I am learning. I am dealing. I am adapting. I am adjusting. I am sleeping too much or I am sleeping too little. I am taking belly-dancing classes to meet people and to awaken my 2nd and 4th chakras. I am talking about yoga in very broken Russian. I am...

People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Language Lessons

A quick snippet of life overseas :)

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It's not news that when learning a new language we often make follys that are not only incorrect but also incredibly inapproprate...and hence incredibly funny.  A popular story in these parts is the use of the word preservatives. In English, they are those often demonized chemicals added to the foods we buy in boxes, bags and jars.  But here, the term refers to condoms.  And so you can imagine how some familial conversations have gone, especially for those highly-natural volunteers explaining the foods they like to eat, you know, "all natural" and "without preservatives"...

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I began my one-on-one tutoring in Russian this past week and within my first lesson realized something I had taken to saying that was just SO wrong.  The use of prepositions is complicated and I, for some reason, took a liking to using B (sounds like "V" and can mean in or into or to).   And so I used it.   A lot.  It was only when I was relaying to my tutor some things I had recently told my host parents that we realized I was saying that I went or was "in" some of my friends...uuhhhh!  I had meant to say I was with someone or at their house...So yes, we had a great laugh. 

My tutor reassured me that of course people knew what I was trying to say and not to worry.  And of course this is one of those excellent moments to check in and and make a "note to self":  "Um-hey Self? Yeah, really don't take yourself too seriously."  Really.

Om tat sat.

The Next Big Thing

I wrote this blog post first in my head last night while I was lying in bed, mind spinning, unable to sleep.  This is a common problem among people and I know for me it's usually the first sign that I am getting off-balance.  When I have had too many nights in a row of mind-racing, I know there are some big changes ahead.  The hardest part is that these changes are ones that I need to implement.  Sometimes we just need some guidelines, whatever they might be, to tack us along, to stoke the fire of motivation...

At the ashram, Swami Sita would tell the story of the mind being like a lake.  When it's still, we can see straight through to the bottom of the the clear waters, into the depths of what lies beneath.  We can also see the reflection of the trees, mountains, hills, plains, buildings...whatever is of our world, we see in a clear reflection.  And so once this lake is disturbed, with waves (thoughts), the water gets to be murky and the view of the world around us, distorted.  In other words, the more thoughts we have and the more excited our thoughts are, whether happy/sad/angry ect., the more we disturb the mind and induce the forgetting of "that which lies within" or, our purpose, and begin to distort our world, bringing on a need for judgement rather that pure observation.  It's the cycle.  We are all intimate with these fluctuations.  

And so it's time for me to get this lake of mine to calm down.  I canfind some empathy for myself.  I did just move halfway across the world two and a half months ago, and I am looking at 24 more months of living in this new place, without familiar faces of friends and family, not knowing what my work will look like and so on and so forth.  Last night was my first real "fight" with myself about this.  As tears welled up about all of the things I would miss in the lives of many of the people whom I love, I moved further from the sleep I desperately needed.

And with this blog, with you, the beautiful soul sharing  in these words, I want to retain a space where I can transmute some of this "excitement".  These pages are not only a journal, but a place for me to take those waves from my lake, or better to prevent the winds from ever reaching its shores.  And so that means I share truth, my truth, and this makes me quite vulnerable to you-doesn't it?  But I am going to be OK with that (over time).  I trust you and I love you.  We are all in this together.

And so, also with this blog, I hope to have a place of consistency and regularity.  After recieving my placement in Moldova with Peace Corps, I scanned the web for blogs of volunteers already in-country.  I noticed many blogs having large gaps-sometimes for months at a time.  "Hmmmm", I thought, "I wonder why?"  I had my suspicions of course.  People get complacent, tired, lazy, busy, bored...depressed.  And once I got here and spoke to the volunteers (many of whom did admit to not keeping up with their blogs), coupled with my own apathy to share what amounts to, at times, more hearthache and lonliness than sunshine and rainbows, my suspicions were confirmed.  Moldova is a tough place.  Though most of us have toilets and running water, there is a layer of mental stress here that can be more difficult to overcome than the hardships of physical infrastructure and economic constraint.  These "thought waves" that we are swimming in here are of a calliber that will take some strengthening of ones own mind to overcome.  I have heard numerous accounts of depression, especially in the dark and cold days of winter.  I anticipate that my own mind will take some downward turns.

And so last night, as I didn't sleep, I began to plan a way to ensure that I stay on top of myself mentally (and physically will be good too!) to ensure that at the very least I am posting on this blog once per month.  Yesterday, I came accross a free Ebook on a Twitter post.  It was called Ascension.   Being the new-agey type that I am, I have an interest in other's views of how our world is changing in the more sublte realms.  And this link came from a yogi I follow so I indugled.  I began to look over the document last night and found that it provides, "27 steps towards The Art of Ascension as taught by the Ishayas".  The who?  Their website states, "The Art of Ascension is a systematic mechanical process that directs the mind to the stable point of reference...the home or seat of consciousness itself....Ascension is simple and effortless.  It takes more energy to maintain our fear and illusions of life than it does to relax into the simplicity of the present moment."  Ok, it's yoga.  Just a different taste.  Yoga is like this...like ice cream, like religion, like shoes...there are all different kinds but ultimately the function is the same.  For yoga, the function is to still the mind. 

And so, no I am not subsrcibing to some new sect of anything, I am simply noticing the relevance of a 27-step philosophy towards this end and the fact that Peace Corps is a 27-month endeavor.  And so, the next big thing for me is to use one step as my theme for each month that I am here.  This guarantees I write AND points my mind and thoughts in some direction...ultimately towards my inner Self.  Now since I have already been in Moldova for almost three months, I will have to post about those first three steps before September . The first four of these "techniques" as they are referred to in the book, are what they call Root Stresses, with the first three being:

1.  Praise
2.  Gratitude
3.  Love

You will know when I am posting about one of the 27 techniques because I will call the post "Technique #  ____".  Some of these will certainly be a little "out there" as I look ahead at techniques titled "Lunar" and "Glory" but it is my challenge to myself to find a way to make it all tie in to my life, your life, and ultimately to some Universal truth towards human happiness and peace of mind.  We're all in this together...so happy to have you along for the ride (Praise!), for this is am so GRATEFUL.   I LOVE you!

XOm,
Julie

Sugar and Spice: Don't Call Me Nice

I recently heard a song on the radio, and it went:


All my life I've been good but now,
I'm thinking 'What the hell'
All I want is to mess around,
and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me,
you can't save me, baby, baby


That last line very similar to a song I wrote while living at the ashram:
I know I can't leave this life with you by my side
We each have our own mountain to climb
I can guide you up yours and you guide me too
To the peak it will be where we find our own truth



There are two themes here:


1. Being good/nice
2. Being on our own



1. I am often regarded as being "too nice". This turns some off, annoys others and then attracts some like flies to honey (these fall into two categories-those bathing in the light of kindness and those taking full advantage of a soul who "looks on the bright side"...I deal with both on a daily basis). I don't think I am too nice-especially when I consider that I have dealt with a awful case of inborn guilt almost my entire life. If I thought I was always being sweet and nice, what would I have to feel guilty about? That wasn't it. Of course from the outside it looked that way. I am currently on the cusp of embarking on a difficult and life-changing challenge (more for another post) that involves some foreign travel and being surrounded by all new circumstance. I can remember being young and watching shows like The Real World in places like Paris and London and thinking, "I cannot believe how rude some of these people are/how ignorant to embracing a new culture/if I were there I would learn the language, be kind and open, blah blah blah." And that is why producers of a show would likely never pick someone like me to be on it!


Case in point: the people from the show The Apprentice came to my university my senior year, interviewing for the upcoming season. I thought, "What the hell?" and interviewed. Because of my domestic skills (babysitting, gardening) mixed with my keen business acumen (OK I made that up, but I sure made them think I was a biz whiz), I was asked to do a taped interview for the Apprentice: Martha Stewart. WELL...it went well and they said they would get back to me. About 3 months later, I got the call saying that they loved me, I'm great, but the final decision was that I am "just too nice" to be on the show. Uh-huh. Being nice, again, doesn't make for such great entertainment.


But I can't change who I am. And what came to me last night while I luxuriated in a warm salt bath is that it's not that I am nice. I think what it is, is that I am pretty happy. Sure, I have my ups, downs, confusions, "what the f@#k am I doing with my life?" times, but in general I was born joyous. And that spark of joy, though dimmed at times, remains luminous enough for others to see. And so am I nice? Sometimes. Am I happy? I am realizing that in my quest to wellness, my intense passions in natural foods, sustainable ways of living, doing business...my love of all things spiritual, yoga, meditation...in all of this there was always one underlying principle: the universal theme that I was looking to get to was always happiness. I know that peace of mind=happiness and so whatever can bring a human that peace in their hearts and minds, whatever can slow the spinning thoughts that cloud us from our inner luminosity, THAT is what I am looking to understand. So that I can share.



2. Now this takes me to how my song relates to the above Avril Lavigne song.



If you love me, if you hate me,
you can't save me, baby, baby


And I know I can't leave this life with you by my side
We each have our own mountain to climb



This is about the stark reality that NO ONE outside of ourselves is going to swoop in and make us happy. Nobody. Somebody. Anybody. NOPE. Just you. We each have our own truth to find. We will have many guides and teachers along the way. They show up in the forms of friends, enemies, family, lovers, spouses, swamis, preachers, bosses, the homeless man you pass on the street...are all our teachers. But it is up to each of us as individuals to BE happy. To BE grateful. No one, nothing, no circumstance, will ever be able to step in and do that for us. I am on a true quest for one thing: discovering the universal attributes to happiness. I already know that peace of mind is happiness. So now, it's all about how we obtain that peace of mind. I know this is what Yoga teaches. I am sure this is what many other philosophies and spiritual texts teach. What I want to discover, what comes up from the depths of my soul, is how we can spread this...for if each individual were happy, if companies functioned based on decisions that came out of joy rather than power, manipulation and coercion...what a whole new world we would find ourselves in.


So perhaps being nice doesn’t get you far. But being happy does.


Om tat sat.


XOm

On Falling in Love: The RUSH

Surely the subject of falling in love with another person does not normally arise within the yogic community. You see, our first duty is to learn to discern the real from the unreal and not to go about seeking pleasure and understanding from outside of ourselves. As my teacher taught, anything in this world that changes is not real. Things that don't change...real. For example, you could look at pictures of me or anyone at age 1, 2, 3 ect and I will look different. My body is changing and so from the yoga/Vedic perspective, the body is not real. Now there is something in those pictures that is NOT changing...the fact that in each photo it's me or you or whomever...there is something inside that doesn't change-who we are, our soul, our core.

After that first discernment, our next duty is to find peace of mind. In this we are sort of 'falling in love' with ourselves. To really find inner peace we will have to be in a place of complete acceptance of what IS. And this is true love. Acceptance is love.

So THEN...after all of this HARD WORK, it seems it is then we can fully and honestly 'fall in love' with another. Of course we can give/share love all day everyday with all people, plants and things. But we know what I am talking about here...THAT love. I can say I have been in love with another person. Only once. I have had love in relationships but looking back there was only one that was 'real'. And I had certainly not approached those first two duties(discernment, inner truth, self-love) yet and so the relationship didn't work out.

This morning, I was going through old emails. I found a poem that I had written to that one love and I want to share it. Just reading it reminds me of that lovely feeling...that RUSH of LOVE!

the world is ever swirling and it never really ends

I saw you only yesterday

but still i miss my friend

Don't you know?

My love just grows...

and though we may not know right now

what the future holds

answers fall from clouds and stars

and stories do unfold

Don't you know?

the story goes...

so rest your head upon my heart

and let me take a stand

to lend my all, my everything

and let your heart expand

Don't you know?

your love will grow...

Om shanti,

Sivakami