3 Simple Tips to Survive the Holidays (and Your Life)

Just an opportunity to share our chakra-inspired tree :)

I work with a wonderful woman who always goes the extra mile to support the university students who are studying entrepreneurship and spending time in the venture center where we work. She recently invited a psychologist to speak to the young people about stress management and I decided to also sit in on the talk, since really, can we get enough of that? If you've ever read my writing, you know that I focus a lot on the idea that we are living in a time where we have more input data than EVER before and that the new rate of input quite literally exploded in the past 50, 20, 10, 5 years. I don't believe that we have biologically evolved as quickly as this rate of change around us, and that is why we see an increase in rates of societal "dis-ease" like anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.

I focus on this all mostly because I experience it. I am highly aware of both the increased levels of stress that our society introduces to us, but also the types of stress that we encounter with each major life change: going off to college, a death in the family, new jobs, marriages, divorces, having children and so on. These life changes are enough to put a person into a special mode of coping, but when you add on the rapidly changing and chaotic world we are living in, the topic of stress management and methods for reducing the effects of stress on the mind, body, soul, are of utmost importance.

It's great that I also happen to be writing about this near the holiday season and though we might (hopefully) face this time with great joy and light (this IS the point actually...as an aside, we are nearing the winter solstice, the time when we'll tip over the hump of losing more light each day, and instead start to gain it back), the truth is that for many of us, all of the hustle bustle can throw us into a bit of chaos.

Here's a fantastic example, and I share this with full knowledge that my own experiences are perhaps less chaotic of those people with small children and other extra layers of concern like illness, grief, and other responsibilities. Yesterday was a Saturday and being a day that I don't have to be at my 9-5, I usually end up taking care of all of the things I am too tired to approach in the evenings of the weekdays. So I made my list: 

• Get ornaments for tree (our first "bigger" one! last year was a small table-top guy with just lights);
• Find glass containers for making candles as gifts;
• Take advantage of the 20% off Target coupon expiring that day to find useful gifts for Costea's family in Moldova;
• Maybe run in to a favorite overpriced clothing store that I just emailed me telling me everything is 25% off (this one never happened).

After the slow Saturday morning breakfast (just love that!), organizing the apartment and whatnot, I head out. I have my favorite yoga music playing loudly in the car, the windows are down because it's so warm outside, and I am SINGING my way to accomplishing the goals on my list. YAY.

Well. I should have know that everyone else was also going to the mall. being just two weeks out from Christmas. Between finding a parking spot, finding what I needed in the store without being in someone's way, and the fluorescent lights and artificial fragrances galore, I got a pounding headache. POUNDING. The little voice in my head was like, "Girl, you should have done this kind of shopping long before now, you know better". I guess I do, but I guess I forgot. Isn't that what we do all.the.time? To end the story, I had a headache until I went to bed even after going home to stretch, drink water my best to relax. 

This little story is just a small example of how hard it can be to remain calm, collected and cool in the world we live in. But alas, there are methods to the face the madness! Since I've already rambled quite a bit, I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible and hope that you'd gain a little insight into making this time of year, and your own life generally, as amazing as possible. Here are my interpretations of our guest speaker's tips:

Tip #1: Observe vs. Absorb

As potentially THE most guilty person of absorbing other people's shit, I can testify to the importance of this tip. My goodness. I used to think I was so nice and sweet because I let people be themselves around me and I'd listen and I'd try to help. Well, while all of that can be good at times, the truth is that it's not my job (nor yours) to FEEL what others are feeling. Many times we can just walk into a room and KNOW that something just doesn't feel "good". The tip here is to observe that and use your discernment as to what to do next. You can either leave the room or if that's not an option, continue in observation mode, but you don't have to actually feel something that is not yours. Observe people's crazy. See it. Delay. And be entertained. One way the visiting speaker talked about this was a mentality of "Sunny in here, crazy out there". Keep your sunny inner weather no matter what. When you KNOW you're going to be around people who bring the crazy, grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the show. 

Tip #2: Protect Your Sponge

Now that we've looked at observing versus absorbing, now let's dive a bit deeper into protecting our "sponge". The way the woman spoke about this was awesome. She pointed out the fact that we are actually, biologically, like sponges. We have receptors connected to our nervous system that are always reaching out into the world as well as taking in the data around us. One example of this would be the pheromones we always hear about that either physically attract or repel us to/from others. So, in the above scenario above of entering a crazy-ass energy room, you know it's crazy even without words being spoken because of your receptors/your sponge. You're taking it in and processing it. And once you realize this is NOT something you want to absorb you can protect your sponge. Here are a few ways how:

1. Visualization: Imagine you're that sponge and you're just not going to absorb anything icky so you need a protective barrier. One great way of doing that is imagining millions of little diamonds glistening all around you. They are hard, light, reflective, and beautiful. You can see through them and the other people can still see you, but the energy flow into you is reflected off and/or transmuted to something much more lovely. (maybe diamonds ARE a girl's best friend? huh?)
2. Have a response ready. Our guest speaker shared this one and I liked it. When Aunt Sally or Uncle Freddy or cousin Sue who you KNOW is always bringing some crazy mozies on over to you, you can have some phrase ready-to-go so that allows you to disengage in their crazy. It might look like this: 

                Crazy Person: "Oh my gosh, Donald Trump is going to kill our country and my boss hates me and the house we bought is a disaster and....blah, blah, blah"

                You: "Interesting" (and walks away or changes the subject to something positive).  

Tip # 3: Respond vs. React

Especially when we're with people we know very well and know what to expect from them, we can tend to get reactive. But since we do know what to expect we can also choose to be responsive instead. And this also works well with the strangers who bring crazy (you know, the guy who cut you off at the gas station, or the person who butted in line). Rather than allowing yourself to get in a huff and react to their crazy, pause, take a moment, and respond to the situation rather than allowing for a knee-jerk reaction. This should help you to keep your cool, keep your "sunny" inside :)


I'll end this post with the great Mark Twain quote about trauma,

 “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” 

In other words, we create many of the dramatic experiences in our lives simply by letting the crazy in and absorbing crazy that's not even ours. So put up your diamond shield, sit back, and enjoy the show! I love you!

Om shanti, Om peace.

I'm Faking Everything

My track record is improving.  Only about 3 months between posts this time! Not much change since my last sharing to be honest. Of course the thoughts are there: the "whys", the "hows", the too much thinking...

One of my guilty pleasures and weekly ways to turn off the chatter box in my head is the HBO show, "Girls". It's not particularly compelling, and many of the characters annoy the heck out of me...but there is something to the hum-drum narcissism of the characters that is so... familiar. I know I am not alone in this, because millions of other people watch the show for a reason. It's a generational thing perhaps. How we all experience our lives as though we are the main character of an elaborate, long, drawn out film, (or Instagram stream).

I bring up the show because on the last episode I watched, two quick quotes poured out of two characters at the very end of the episode, that I found quite profound. And so today I want to think about and explore what it was in those two phrases that stirred me up.

Phrase one...
Was shared by the unpredictable, borderline sociopath, Jessa. As she strolls down the street smoking a cigarette, discussing the man who just dumped her for his ex, she ponders what she saw in him. She says that he moved so fast he didn't let her think. "I don't do well when I think," is how she put it.

Do you ever wonder if you're overthinking things? I know for sure I do. It's exhausting. It's the reason I sought out yoga and meditation in the first place. While studying with wonderful teachers during my stint at the ashram, we talked a lot about how we can't really control what we think. We have very, very little control over the thoughts that pop into our heads actually. So that's the good news. We don't have to feel terrible when (and this was the teacher's example), we hear a loved one died and think, "I wonder what they left me?" That thought came from left field and you have a million other thoughts flooding in as well, like, "What will I do without this person in my life?"and "Did they die peacefully?" and "How is so-and-so doing?"

But of course that ONE thought, the one that you shouldn't think, will probably bother you. But again, we don't have much control over what we think. Where we gain control is in how much attention we give to a thought. The more time and energy spent on a thought, the more the thought grows and gains power. And the more likely we will be to have that thought again and again.

A great and common example of this would be a thought that arises at some point in everyone's life, "I am not good enough". There are plenty of teachers that show us how to work through these kinds of thoughts. Ask the questions: "Is it true? Can I be 100% it's true? What's the evidence" etc. This is all good for examination. The problem is that we can usually find plenty of evidence that we're not good enough and this thought can become a habit and part of who we are and how we present ourselves to the world. It will prevent relationships, careers, and happiness. See how tricky that is? Our thoughts create our reality and so Jessa was spot on...we often don't do well when we think.

You can explore much more about thought power and the mechanics of the mind, which I wrote about in-depth a few years back. Essentially, we probably all do better when we don't think so much, and it takes training to be able to have some semblance of control over the power of our thoughts and how they help us/hurt us in this world. But there ARE methods to sort this out, they just take time and effort, like everything else in life worth attaining.


Phrase two...
Was shared by the show's main character, the naive and narcissistic Hannah, who has just left grad school, started substitute teaching (after her thus far short-lived but successful career as a writer), found out her dad is gay, and that her best friend is engaged. A man who was in love with aforementioned friend quips, "I'm so happy for her", to which Hannah responds, "I'm so happy for everyone", as she stares off into space. Her friend quickly retorts flatly, "I'm faking it", to which, without a beat, Hannah says, "I'm faking everything." This is how the episode ends.

Ok so maybe I totally resonate with Hannah. Do you? Do we all? I have no idea. What I do know is that the more time I spend on things like Facebook, and Instagram and see both people I know and people I don't know, living these seemingly amazing lives full of fun, laughter, smiles, new clothes, new kitchens, vacations, flowers, gifts, yoga classes and...well you get what I'm saying...the worse I feel about my own seemingly lacking life. The comparison game is a slippery slope but rather impossible not to fall into in today's "show off" world.

I mean, let's get real. People have always been show-offs, braggers. But it was only their closest friends, family, and colleagues who would likely have to deal with it. Now, we willingly peak in on what every odd person we happened to meet long enough to become "Facebook friends" with, and get to see their life highlights. "Well geez, they're all better than mine", says the ego. My goodness just writing this last sentence has made me question my own sanity in spending ANY time on these sites.

I like how Maddi Fieleke shares in her blog post:

I’M NOT A LIAR BUT FACEBOOK SURE IS.

Yeah..

Anyway, this post has not been entirely uplifting or insightful, but a true rambling of observation. I know there has been been plenty of talk and research on the negative effects of continuous social sharing, and I am sure there are probably plenty of arguments for the positive effects too. For me, I have become very hesitant to share much online anymore. I know I could probably portray that I have some freaking awesome life by how I frame it all, but I'd feel like a liar. I feel myself withdrawing from that sharing. And I know thousands of others are too. 

Got to love our massive societal shifts! It was obviously an evolutionary step to over-share en-masse and I suspect there will be a return to modesty, simplicity, and humility. That's why I started this blog in the first place ;)

OM!

Coming Around Again

I just read that quote on Facebook (oh yeah, I am meaning to get off that dreadful site, but I'm not ready ;)). The person who shared it was pointing to procrastination and how feeling that we need to have everything figured out and in its place often stops us from getting started in the first place.

This sentiment is oh too true in too many areas of my life. For example, even writing this blog post. I have been thinking, "I want to write again" and even telling people, "I want to share my thoughts on this," or "I want to write a book on that", the advice is often,"Why don't you first start with some blog posts?". Seems easy. But having stepped away from writing (sharing) here for almost a full year, I feel sheepish as I log in and face my Self. I mean, it's hard enough when you reach out to that person or contact you've neglected, "Hey, it's been waaaaaayyyy too long, how ARE you?" and it's no different than when have to look at yourself and say, "Yes, I neglected you."

I know that I need a creative outlet. And if I am not going to sit and write a darn book, I had best be writing this darn blog!

So a check-in. Somewhere to start.

Last time I wrote here I was leaving Moldova to return to the USA after my 2.5 years with the Peace Corps. Since then, things have been weird. It's a period of time when I have looked around me and said, "well heck, THIS isn't how I pictured my life". Truth be told (and yes it pains me to share this, because these are those types of thoughts people don't usually share with others, but perhaps what sets apart a writer/sharer/blogger?) I LOVED to babysit in college and assumed that by the age of 33 I would have my own home and family. Stay-at-home-mom, 2-3 kids, rescued dog, darling husband who worked in something in finance and required me every so often to host a fancy dinner party where his boss and his wife would attend and I would have to buy a new dress....you know. The stuff I saw around me, the stuff we see on TV.

Of course I have now seen many, many, many versions of this "normal life". Extremes even. Everywhere from in a Moldovan village where kids were 1-2, dog was "rescued" only to be tied to a stake in the yard for life, and husband was actually in Russia building a pipeline or driving a truck. No boss for dinner except maybe her's because she took care of the home and children probably with the help of her mother and then also worked. So she had her boss and his wife over for the nicest meal she made all year. Maybe. Or maybe the family in Maine enjoying the sweetness of summer. Dad flying home on the private plane to attend to some business but returning with the chairman of the board of the fund he invests his family's dwindling trusts, but no fear, he married her and her family has got plenty of money (who cares if it's "new" anymore?!). Mom will host an amazing dinner of fresh crab salad and a real lobster bake with bibs and everything. It will be so quaint!

Yes, I have been privy to witnessing this play out on so many layers of life. And so maybe that's why I expected to be experiencing that same thing. But alas, I am not. I have no children and I work full-time. And I swallow that. It might be different if my full-time work was for myself in one of the many ventures I planned and plotted along the way but never found the partner, time, money etc. Only myself to burden and blame with that silliness.

As you know, if you've read my other blog posts, I did get married. But my husband is not a banker or investor, he works in construction. He loves to make things with his hands and to be outside in the freshness of the world, not in an office in front of a screen. And how can I blame him? Yet I do. When I am scared and reeling from the fact that we don't have a home or kids or bosses coming for dinner, I start to feel angry towards him for not being a computer programmer or banker. But I married him for who he is. How dare I think those things? I love him BECAUSE he is who he is with no airs, to pretense, simply doing what he loves to do and trusting that the universe will provide when the time comes for things like children, homes, and dinner parties.

I won't lie. It's been rough. He's foreign, no US degrees, a heavy accent. He's with his third construction team now. I'm SO thankful he has found work as quickly as he did upon arrival in July, because he's not a person who can sit home for long. I have so much to be thankful for and so now, after many journeys to many places, karma has brought me back only 45 minutes from my hometown to where I found work, with a university managing programs for youth in entrepreneurship. I had done projects while in Moldova to inspire people to take control of their own lives through the entrepreneurial mindset, after their past with communism, which seems to have leeched into their hearts and minds.

I'm coming around again.

Oh and so back to the quote above...so much of what we teach in the entrepreneurship program where I work is based on lean startup methodology. This says that you NEED to get started before you're 100% ready so that you know that what you're building is the right thing. You need to put it out to the world for which you're creating, so the world can respond and get you on the right track. There is no one-man-show. There is no ready.

Om tat sat.

This is going to be interesting...

I began this blog when I was living at an ashram. Living the life of a yogini. Away from "the world". And that was nice, for a time.  And then I got nervous about finances. I still had an outstanding student loan, I was paying for my health insurance...my reserves were getting low for my comfort. You see, I wasn't quite able to 'let go' of all of my 'real world' concerns, and so it was time for me to leave.

I gained a pretty strong awareness that while I couldn't stay at the ashram any longer, I also couldn't go back to the way I had been living before the ashram: anxious.  Anxiety has been plaguing me ever since my freshman year of college. It hit me hard when I went to take a full body stretch upon waking one morning and felt a POP in my neck, followed by me not being able to move my neck. Yes, I had officially begun my relationship with worry manifesting in tight muscles around my spine. What was I was worried about about you ask? Well, everything and anything. It sucked! Whether anxiety is a learned behavior, genetic, circumstantial...I don't know. I think it's a combination of all of the above mixed in with our nutrient-deficient SAD (Standard American Diet) diet and fast-paced, expectation-filled modern lifestyle.

 

And so it's been quite the journey in this young adulthood of mine. Trying to figure out: how do I live a life I love in the modern world, doing things I love, and not succumbing to the spinning anxious thoughts that so often cloud my world?

I have taken many approaches: first, through diet. This worked. Changing my diet enabled me to stop taking the medications I was prescribed following the untimely death of my brother, 9 years ago today. (Shout out to Philip!)  So now I could live without Lexapro and Xanax but I was still spinning. And so I knew it was time to take the full-on mind/body/spirit approach. And hence my 7 month ashram stint. It was wonderful! I learned to BREATH. And CHANT. And TRUST. But it wasn't going to last forever. You see I knew deep down in my heart that I was born to live IN the world...(but not OF the world?!)   And so now, right NOW, I am delving into my next step in the process of being able to find that balance.

I have accepted an internship at one of the world's largest publishing houses in Manhattan. I will be working in Social Media Marketing. I worked in marketing in the 'corporate world' early in my career. I had hives. Since then I have been a produce buyer, health coach, wellness program developer, babysitter, candle-maker, yoga teacher...anything to avoid "the office". But now I am taking that dragon on again. I have discovered in all of my travels and different hats, that I am a pretty darn good communicator. I can speak and write well. And I like to do it. I like to communicate a message to many people. My current interest in the ease and efficiency of spreading information through social media excites me and I want to learn more!

AND...I am scared. I am trying not to take my past disappointments with me through the front doors of the big building between Park and 5th Avenues. I have learned so much and I only pray that I will be able to be a true Yogini in the office. I will share with you how this all works out-the challenges I meet, the characters I enjoy (or otherwise), and the work that I do. How I manage to fit in my passions for cooking and nutrition, maintaining my personal writing and still teaching yoga classes. I can honestly tell you I am scared, excited, nervous all at once. Perhaps this was a huge mistake. But one thing I will never be, is left wondering...

 

In every action I take, there is just one thing that I hope to find: peace of mind. So in that I can be a business woman at the ashram or I can be a Yogini at the business. The truth is it's all the same.

Om tat sat. Om shanti.