Birth Story

The nurses and midwives at the birth center strongly suggested I write down my birth story right away so that I didn't forget anything. In fact, they suggested that each my husband and myself do this, share with one another, then keep what we want and throw out anything that was painful. Well the reality is it's now two months later and I'm just finally getting to sit down at my laptop for the couple hundredth time to finish writing out and editing the words I've been playing over in my head as I nursed my baby boy at all hours. And getting my husband to write down his story was a non-starter so I'm not pushing that. And let's be real, a lot of it was painful-ha! So, here's my story:

The photo above was taken about ten minutes before my water broke on Saturday night, December 22, 2018. I was taking mirror selfies and comparing them to previous days to see whether I had "dropped" yet ("no, not really," the photos told me). Alexander's due date was 12/21, the winter solstice. I was born on the autumn equinox, a personal fact that I love, so of course I was stoked for his solstice debut. Statistically, most babies are NOT born on their due date. And so we were a statistic on the evening of the 22nd one day after his due date. It was a full moon so my expectations were high. After doing my photo comparisons, I walked from the bathroom to go ask my husband for a second opinion on the photos when en-route, I felt a warm fluid leave my body. I was pretty sure I wasn't peeing, but it certainly was not like in the movies where a ton of water comes splashing out in a dramatic way. So I wasn't sure. So I went to bed.

I woke up at 4am the next day, December 23. It was then that I was sure this was happening because I was experiencing what equated to the worst period-like cramps ever. I woke up my hubby and we called the birth center. They suggested I take a shower to relax and see if the contractions slow down. They didn't!  That was a difficult shower! I was having contractions about 3 minutes apart lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute. My husband called my parents who had been planning to drive from Massachusetts to spend Christmas with us no matter what, but were also on-call to try to make it to the birth.

We got into the car by 7am, at which point I was having pretty serious contractions. Like, anyone who pulled up next to us at a light and looked over would likely be able to understand what was going on, serious. Like, scene from a movie serious. After arriving at the birth center, and going into our room, everything becomes a bit of a blur. Time made no sense and was measured only in knowing that another contraction was coming no matter what. I remember sitting in a rocking chair for a while and just moaning through it. I had read about "toning", which is using sound currents to help move through the pain. It was explained that the throat is energetically connected to the cervix and that making sounds and loosening the throat would help to also relax and open the cervix. I was 3 centimeters dilated when we arrived and after a few hours of rocking chair, I told the midwife that I was ready for the tub. She filled the birthing tub with warm water and OH MY GOODNESS it was the BEST. It immediately brought me relief. I can't say how long that relief lasted though, because soon enough I was back in the throws of the contractions, though this time they were even more intense. The relaxation of the water seemed to have accelerated my dilation.

Something wonderful happened around noon: my mom arrived from Massachusetts. Leaving so early in the morning, my parents made the journey to Delaware in a record 4.5 hours! My mom quickly joined the midwife and my husband in coaching me, holding my hands, and cheering me on. Meanwhile my dad was in the waiting room down the hall. I was the only laboring mama at the center, so my room's door was open and I later was told he could hear all of my toning (I'm pretty sure I was sounding like every animal in the zoo with all of the OHHHH, AHHHH, WAHHHH and such sounds I was making!), and he was very concerned. He didn't know about toning and when my mom would check on him he was asking, "what are they doing to her in there?"My mom reassured him that it was just my reactions to the contractions and I was helping to move the process along using a technique I had read about.

I believe the combination of the water and the toning worked because from waking at 4am to starting to push at 2pm, my entire labor and delivery lasted just under 12 hours. I'm told this is pretty good for a first baby and my goodness, I cannot imagine going longer. While I had planned a water birth and did spend a number of hours in the water, I actually  ended up giving a "land birth". After failing to successfully get into a good position to really bear down in the water, the midwife decided she wanted to move me onto the bed. In hindsight, I have no idea where I found the power to get out of the tub, walk to the bed and start to push again. But I did! With lots of help of course. I believe it was  about 3-4 pushes on the bed, lying on my rights side, and then I had my baby boy handed to me. Now THAT was a moment. I couldn't believe it was finally over. What a relief! What a joy! I was so overwhelmed and so glad to have the process over with but I was having trouble to just focus on the baby because of how I was feeling: still  in pain. The midwife and nurse did their thing cleaning me and the baby up, cleaning the bed and then getting Alexander to start feeding right away. This was special, he did a great job latching, but I quickly began to notice that my contractions hadn't stopped. Of course not, because there is the afterbirth. This definitely isn't nearly as intense as pushing out a baby, but it's still having to push again, which seemed like last thing in a million  years I wanted to do. But I did want it over. So we moved through that quite well. And again I thought, "phew it's over!". BUT...as I was nursing I again started to feel strong contractions. My mom was with me and checked on me and noticed a lot of blood. Rather than tell me about what she saw, she just said she would go and get the nurse. They came into the room and did this awful, terrible, no  good thing that I'm sure every woman gets where they press hard on your belly to get any blood clots out. OUCH. I was apologizing as I was swapping the midwife's hands away. It was a biological reaction to hit her but I logically felt bad. 😬 At the birth center, mamas usually go home about 4 hours after birth. The way that they gauge whether you're ready to leave is based on your ability to get up and take a shower. Well, when I tried to get up, I passed out. SO, it turns out I had lost quite a bit of blood via clots and needed an IV of fluids and hormones to both hydrate me and make my uterus contract and stop bleeding. I believe at this point I slept for about an hour while that baby slept in his daddy's arms. I think? I can't remember! (I'll need Costea's version after all!) When I woke up the nurse asked me if I was ready to try for that shower again. With some assistance, I successfully washed myself in what was definitely one of the best showers of my life. I felt so raw.

 I chose a natural birth because I had read that it was what was best for my baby and for my own recovery. And I made a deal with myself that so long as my health was cleared for birthing at the birth center, I would do it. BUT. There were definitely moments during labor where thoughts such as, "OK, if we want another child, we're adopting" and, "OK, I've done the natural thing, next time I can get an epidural" did pass through my mind. Childbirth is so...REAL. It's a journey like no other and yes, at the end we get our little miracle, our baby boy or girl.The entire journey from conception to pregnancy to birthing to recovery to caring for a newborn is seriously intense. Yes, it's beautiful in so many ways but it's also the most difficult thing I've ever done and I have a totally new level of respect for all moms! And for all dads and partners who are supportive of their queens! It was not too long ago in history that men were not really participatory in the pregnancy, birthing, or care process at all. Pretty much just the conception-ha! 😜

Now that my son is passed the newborn stage, we're finding a bit of a groove, a new way of living. And I can't remember life without him. Welcoming a new person into your family, into your life, is a major change. It requires an opening of the heart, no matter how this new person enters. And so I bow to my son for his role in opening my heart even wider. 💖

Sweet Surrender

I've always known I wanted to be a mother. Growing up I babysat, I loved up my niece and nephew, and then eventually my friend's children as they came into this world. I assumed my time for motherhood would come naturally, with the grace and ease we imagine most women experience in finding themselves with child. So when I did find my partner and "settle down" and open myself up to be a mommy; and then it didn't happen, I was heartbroken. I know we all hear and read stories about this, and we know it's become more common for couples to wait to start a family, but actually going through this was among the hardest things I've experienced in this lifetime.

There have been times in the past where I had no problem sharing my life struggles, epiphanies, and growth through my writing. But something shifted with this situation. For some reason, this was too raw. I was too vulnerable. I was too ashamed. This one thing, that all humans no matter what color, class, race, religion should be able to do, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Like a fraud. Like less of a woman. How could I share that with anyone outside of my closest, most-trusted circle? I knew I wasn't alone and I read other women's tales seeking glimmers of hope, paths of progress and solutions for acceptance. Sometimes these stories lead to successful pregnancies, sometimes they didn't, sometimes they adopted, sometimes they opened businesses. The key was that I knew I was not alone and yet I felt so very alone.

Praying for a solution.

As time passed,  a year turned into two years and my fear around the subject grew as I approached and then passed the 35 year-old mark (when I women becomes considered advanced maternal age-ha!) and so we visited a fertility specialist. After some tests and then some surgical procedures, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told it was highly unlikely I would ever get pregnant on my own. And they had an answer for us: IVF. For me in that time, in a very victim mode, this felt like an incredible injustice. We couldn't afford IVF, not many can! It felt like a stab to the heart, this blessing and miracle that so many experience without much effort, I'd have to find/borrow/steal (ok maybe not that last one!) to experience. But with this being our only option other than adoption, which I quickly also discovered would come with a large invoice, about the same as a round of IVF, we decided to go through with it. And it didn't work. And I was devastated. Devastated. I was sure this was the silver bullet, the thing that would guarantee us our baby. This was a test of all of my personal and spiritual strength. I had to reevaluate everything. What would be next? Adoption? Try again? Do IVF in Mexico? During this time, our marriage was also put through many tests. What could our future look like with no children? What would we do with our lives? Were we even meant to be together? Was this a sign? Fertility challenges for a couple who knows they want a family are so incredibly intense, it is surely one of the biggest life tests/lessons a person could go through. I'm in awe every day of my husbands patience with me. He never stopped believing our child would arrive.

By this past winter, I was emotionally spent. My prayer for a solution turned into a tearful prayer for God to take away my desire to be a mom. And after much deep-diving and discussion, we decided to take a break from the "try". To raise the white flag. To surrender. As corny as this may sound, the popular radio song "If it's Meant to Be" came out about this time and spring was just around the corner. It felt right to just let it be.

March and April are the most intense months for me at work. I knew I needed to be "on" to run our annual 400-person event, making it a good distraction from our pain. Costea's family would be coming into town for a number of weeks and so we had them to prepare for, and then work with, on our long list of home projects: bathrooms to update, basement to be finished for my yoga classes, and garden to expand to bring us a little closer to our homestead dream. So you might imagine my distraction as one day I realized I was a few days late for my period. This hadn't happened before. Even with my stage 3 endometriosis diagnosis, I'd always had a very regular cycle. I assumed it was from the stress at work and change in schedule from having family staying with us.

A few more days passed and on the way home from work one day, I decided to stop at the store and pick up a pregnancy test. I had had a dream months earlier that I had taken a pregnancy test, then another, then another, that were all positive. I could feel the elation from that dream. I remember so clearly that in the dream a Christmas tree was lit in the background. I was shown two pink lines with each test and so that's the kind I looked for this time. I brought it home and found Costea working on the bathroom floor. I took the test, and it was positive. I literally fell to my knees as I showed him the result and we hugged and we cried and we were in total disbelief. Costea never had doubts, it was me that was full of fear and, as I understand it now, impatience.

A lesson in patience, trust and surrender. 

Thank you God, thank you sweet baby being for choosing us! Thank you for answering our prayers in every way, by teaching us surrender and by making our dream of being parents come true. As I write these words I am both full of joy and also painfully aware of the other women and men who find themselves in the same conundrum we lived through for just under three years. There are no words to soothe the pain of not understanding why something so wanted is not happening. All I can offer is the hope from my own experience. That miracles do happen!

And so, baby Grozav is coming in December 2018, just in time for that beautifully lit Christmas tree.

Season's Greetings, Christmas Card!

It's the first day of my winter break from work and this is our "Christmas Card"! One perk of working at a university is the generous amount of vacation days! So I get to sit here and write, yay! We've been in our new home for a little over a year now and are starting to really feel like it's ours. It does take time. Transitions are fluid and evolving. As typical form I was definitely anxious and "in a hurry" to be feeling like this is a place where I belong which never works. All you have to do is BE and you BE-long ;)

So far we've made just a few "home improvements". Most of our furniture is the same from our apartment with the exception of a set of bunk beds my parents brought to us from Massachusetts, a beautiful chair I splurged on, and the curtains we bought for our large front window and side window, replacing the awful metal awnings that had been on the house. The bunk beds had been my brother's, then my nephew's, and now they are feeling out their place here. I'd also like to mention that all of our furniture, with the exception of our mattress, is second-hand. Either passed down, donated, or sold to us through family and friends. While every piece may not be exactly what I might "pick out" on a showroom floor, I feel so thankful to have been blessed with pieces that I feel good about and that have stories. We do, of course, look forward to the evolution of our home with time.

This post is meant to  be the first of before/after posts which hopefully will be sprinkled throughout some other writing, as we're excited to gear up more creative power into beautifying and transformation. I'm really being called to writing again. I've missed it and it's apparently missed me. In that,  I am figuring out whether this blog is still the correct medium. Does it need a new name? A makeover? Time will tell!

Without further adieu...a few before/after photos!

You'll notice that the two areas we chose to spend our resources on are related to food. Not a surprise at all as what and how we feed ourselves is such an important element to how we feel and helps to create the bedrock of so much in our lives. As you'll see in upcoming posts, my spiritual journey has not stalled, in fact it's been on a sort of super highway, which has required a lot of processing and reflection, but internally and perhaps a part of why I wasn't writing. For me, the spiritual journey began with listening to my body and knowing that in my state as a neophyte spiritualist, having some more mindfulness about my diet and nutrition was something that I could do with a little guidance and learning. And so I still believe that when a person knows something in their life must shift, a wonderful place to start is listening to one's body and making small adjustments there, to assist the flow of energy and allow for growth and evolution to occur more gradually and gracefully. (vs. what some might term a nervous breakdown or life-crisis, though sometimes those are necessary wake-up calls!)

The Kitchen

So far here we've painted! (ok, in truth Costea's family came and painted for us, but I did pick out the colors!) What a difference! 

The Garden

We were dreaming of a garden the entire two years in our one-bedroom apartment. So this was a MUST and truly our first big home project. We have plans for the coming season to turn over more forested land to field and beds as we hope to start a small-scale specialty farm. More to come on that but we're hoping that in the next 1-2 years this could become part of a full-time gig for Costea.

The Curtains and the Winnie

Oh and that chair!

Other themes at the Grozav household in 2017:

• WINNIE! Our amazing puppy we love so much
• Bitcoin/ Cryptocurrency-Costea is fascinated
• Kundalini yoga-Julie has been practicing for almost a year
• Blue Herons: we love them so much and are blessed to see them fly over our home and during our walks at the White Clay Creek down the road. I've come to calling our home the "Heron Homestead"
• Family: Costea's parents made their first visit to us during September & October. We had an amazing time together. His sister Alina came for three weeks in September too! 

Wishing you all a blessed Winter Solstice and Sacred 2018! 

Early Days

I'm so super grateful for having a home of our own. Intellectually I am incredibly grateful for my ability to have mortgaged a home, but physically and spiritually I am experiencing all kinds of other things. Mostly exhaustion. I never really appreciated how little islands of growth around random trees spread throughout a yard could require so much work in the way of weeding. And trimming. I'm fully, for the first time in my life, understanding why I always saw people outside their homes kneeling by their various shrubs. They were weeding the millionth weed of the week is my guess.

So yes, the weeds. The hedges. The basement. (Yes, it still has a funny smell. Costea has now torn down most of the walls and ceilings and we are on our way to cleaning and sealing). The insects! I have to continuously ask myself whether it's OK to kill them. On the one hand, it's no. But on the other...I mean, once they cross over the line of being in my home... I mean just last night I turned on the light in our bedroom to find a nickel-size spider making its way hurriedly across our white bed sheets. Um nope. Sorry. Here I go creating karma. Slam. Dead. Sigh.

But even so, we're inviting people over. So many people I want to host! The house is nowhere near where I'm even comfortable having people over. We haven't bought a piece of furniture. But I know if I wait, I won't get to shower my loved ones with love, attention and hospitality they've shown me over the years. Here are a few snaps of some of our early days. We can also consider these part of the before album :)

Pre weeding and trimming workouts

Running through the porch

Dusk playtime

Watchful mamas

My beloved niece

Boys helping in the kitchen=always welcome!

Our friends across the street  

Everyone loves the baby doll sheep

The naked window that needs dressing (she's so embarrassed!). And unhung art, random plugs...


XOm

A Picture Says 1,000 Words

And while true, I'll still add some words of my own. I have hit a major milestone in my life, in our life I should say: home ownership (well, mortgage ownership...). As a person who has skirted major commitments until her 30's, and then so dragging her feet into it, buying a home was emotionally, spiritually, and mentally challenging. And of course a blessing too. Costea and I have had as smooth a transition into American life as one could expect. Returning home from the Peace Corps is tough. Moving to a new country for life? Super tough. Returning home, quite unexpectedly close to where I grew up, it was so nice to be close enough to see old friends from time to time. Making new ones, not so easy. We're in that funny age where most people we know have children and so we're that childless couple that can do anything whenever, but don't have friends that can do that with us.

Then there was apartment living. I know many, many (most?) people in this world live in apartments. But I didn't grow up that way, and neither did Costea. In fact, his entire life he had a large garden, raised his family's own animals, grapevines, fruits...you name it. That's a LOT of work, so when you move into an apartment with no outdoor access, you can imagine the shock to the system. At first it seems like a luxury to not have so many "chores". But soon, the restlessness kicks in. So for two years, we made it through watching too much TV and having perpetual "cabin fever". 

And so here we are now. Our little house in the woods. (LOVED that book in 2nd grade!) It's got strange basement smells, more bugs and creepy crawlers than I care for, bathrooms with pink and green tile, and kitchen cabinets that scream, "I love the eighties"! But it's ours. We have so much work to do, it can seem overwhelming. But isn't that life? We can often see the bigger picture, the vision, but it's all of the little steps in between that get us anywhere.

We have many, many steps ahead. We have a place to channel our energy. We can create. And for this, we are grateful. There are so many reasons we loved this little house in the woods. Some of those reasons are easily apparent, and some only exist now in our minds, awaiting to be brought to life by inspired hearts and hands. 

I have ideas for posting about our journey in fixing up our little house in the woods and all of the life lessons that process will teach us. I'll be very happy to be writing again. 

Om tat sat.

3 Simple Tips to Survive the Holidays (and Your Life)

Just an opportunity to share our chakra-inspired tree :)

I work with a wonderful woman who always goes the extra mile to support the university students who are studying entrepreneurship and spending time in the venture center where we work. She recently invited a psychologist to speak to the young people about stress management and I decided to also sit in on the talk, since really, can we get enough of that? If you've ever read my writing, you know that I focus a lot on the idea that we are living in a time where we have more input data than EVER before and that the new rate of input quite literally exploded in the past 50, 20, 10, 5 years. I don't believe that we have biologically evolved as quickly as this rate of change around us, and that is why we see an increase in rates of societal "dis-ease" like anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.

I focus on this all mostly because I experience it. I am highly aware of both the increased levels of stress that our society introduces to us, but also the types of stress that we encounter with each major life change: going off to college, a death in the family, new jobs, marriages, divorces, having children and so on. These life changes are enough to put a person into a special mode of coping, but when you add on the rapidly changing and chaotic world we are living in, the topic of stress management and methods for reducing the effects of stress on the mind, body, soul, are of utmost importance.

It's great that I also happen to be writing about this near the holiday season and though we might (hopefully) face this time with great joy and light (this IS the point actually...as an aside, we are nearing the winter solstice, the time when we'll tip over the hump of losing more light each day, and instead start to gain it back), the truth is that for many of us, all of the hustle bustle can throw us into a bit of chaos.

Here's a fantastic example, and I share this with full knowledge that my own experiences are perhaps less chaotic of those people with small children and other extra layers of concern like illness, grief, and other responsibilities. Yesterday was a Saturday and being a day that I don't have to be at my 9-5, I usually end up taking care of all of the things I am too tired to approach in the evenings of the weekdays. So I made my list: 

• Get ornaments for tree (our first "bigger" one! last year was a small table-top guy with just lights);
• Find glass containers for making candles as gifts;
• Take advantage of the 20% off Target coupon expiring that day to find useful gifts for Costea's family in Moldova;
• Maybe run in to a favorite overpriced clothing store that I just emailed me telling me everything is 25% off (this one never happened).

After the slow Saturday morning breakfast (just love that!), organizing the apartment and whatnot, I head out. I have my favorite yoga music playing loudly in the car, the windows are down because it's so warm outside, and I am SINGING my way to accomplishing the goals on my list. YAY.

Well. I should have know that everyone else was also going to the mall. being just two weeks out from Christmas. Between finding a parking spot, finding what I needed in the store without being in someone's way, and the fluorescent lights and artificial fragrances galore, I got a pounding headache. POUNDING. The little voice in my head was like, "Girl, you should have done this kind of shopping long before now, you know better". I guess I do, but I guess I forgot. Isn't that what we do all.the.time? To end the story, I had a headache until I went to bed even after going home to stretch, drink water my best to relax. 

This little story is just a small example of how hard it can be to remain calm, collected and cool in the world we live in. But alas, there are methods to the face the madness! Since I've already rambled quite a bit, I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible and hope that you'd gain a little insight into making this time of year, and your own life generally, as amazing as possible. Here are my interpretations of our guest speaker's tips:

Tip #1: Observe vs. Absorb

As potentially THE most guilty person of absorbing other people's shit, I can testify to the importance of this tip. My goodness. I used to think I was so nice and sweet because I let people be themselves around me and I'd listen and I'd try to help. Well, while all of that can be good at times, the truth is that it's not my job (nor yours) to FEEL what others are feeling. Many times we can just walk into a room and KNOW that something just doesn't feel "good". The tip here is to observe that and use your discernment as to what to do next. You can either leave the room or if that's not an option, continue in observation mode, but you don't have to actually feel something that is not yours. Observe people's crazy. See it. Delay. And be entertained. One way the visiting speaker talked about this was a mentality of "Sunny in here, crazy out there". Keep your sunny inner weather no matter what. When you KNOW you're going to be around people who bring the crazy, grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the show. 

Tip #2: Protect Your Sponge

Now that we've looked at observing versus absorbing, now let's dive a bit deeper into protecting our "sponge". The way the woman spoke about this was awesome. She pointed out the fact that we are actually, biologically, like sponges. We have receptors connected to our nervous system that are always reaching out into the world as well as taking in the data around us. One example of this would be the pheromones we always hear about that either physically attract or repel us to/from others. So, in the above scenario above of entering a crazy-ass energy room, you know it's crazy even without words being spoken because of your receptors/your sponge. You're taking it in and processing it. And once you realize this is NOT something you want to absorb you can protect your sponge. Here are a few ways how:

1. Visualization: Imagine you're that sponge and you're just not going to absorb anything icky so you need a protective barrier. One great way of doing that is imagining millions of little diamonds glistening all around you. They are hard, light, reflective, and beautiful. You can see through them and the other people can still see you, but the energy flow into you is reflected off and/or transmuted to something much more lovely. (maybe diamonds ARE a girl's best friend? huh?)
2. Have a response ready. Our guest speaker shared this one and I liked it. When Aunt Sally or Uncle Freddy or cousin Sue who you KNOW is always bringing some crazy mozies on over to you, you can have some phrase ready-to-go so that allows you to disengage in their crazy. It might look like this: 

                Crazy Person: "Oh my gosh, Donald Trump is going to kill our country and my boss hates me and the house we bought is a disaster and....blah, blah, blah"

                You: "Interesting" (and walks away or changes the subject to something positive).  

Tip # 3: Respond vs. React

Especially when we're with people we know very well and know what to expect from them, we can tend to get reactive. But since we do know what to expect we can also choose to be responsive instead. And this also works well with the strangers who bring crazy (you know, the guy who cut you off at the gas station, or the person who butted in line). Rather than allowing yourself to get in a huff and react to their crazy, pause, take a moment, and respond to the situation rather than allowing for a knee-jerk reaction. This should help you to keep your cool, keep your "sunny" inside :)


I'll end this post with the great Mark Twain quote about trauma,

 “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” 

In other words, we create many of the dramatic experiences in our lives simply by letting the crazy in and absorbing crazy that's not even ours. So put up your diamond shield, sit back, and enjoy the show! I love you!

Om shanti, Om peace.

Holistically Human

We are in the throws of a major revolution. Or maybe you’d call it an evolution. However you want to look at it, things are changing in our world more quickly than in any point of known history. 

Admittedly, I have been confused as to how I have ended up in life where I am. I started out studying business, but only because my dad refused to support schooling in the fashion industry, where I really wanted to go. I figured that a business background would be useful, I could work in the “fashion industry”. Of course you later find out that the industry is very much a “who you know” or “how much you already have” situation where naturally extremely talented individuals can and do rise, but they are typically on the creative side. As in studied fashion or fine arts. I digress.

So it was business. So I worked in big business. So I died a little inside. And it surfaced outside of me in the form of hives for over a year. It was as though my body was screaming from the inside. One of the first major sweeps of our current revolution “saved” me from this with layoffs (AKA 2008). Maybe it was intuition, a dash of passionate interest, sprinkled with a burning desire to heal my hives situation, but when I lost my job, I was already half way through studying for a certificate in holistic health counseling. And in that program my interest for local, organic, whole foods as a source of healing the person and the world, became a new passion. 

I refused to re-enter the corporate world and did all I could to stay afloat doing work I cared about. I took a seasonal job as a local produce buyer. I worked for a startup nonprofit in sustainable agriculture. But I could not sustain me. I couldn’t afford rent. I hadn’t realized a way to do what I cared about and to take care of me. I know many, many of us face this every day. We are not all so lucky to have such fantastic choice of vocation as others. There is truly no “fair” reconciliation of this. Only that we must do what we have to do and somehow find that passion for what we feel we want to do, what maybe we were born to do, with the energy and time we have outside of the way we make our paychecks. Those of us lucky enough will at one point have an opening to reconcile our passions and paychecks. But it’s not just luck, we have to also take risks.

And risk is where I am heading with all of this. 

Back when I was studying the nutrition, I was very convinced that I neede to write a book called Holistically Human.  This book would be about how we’re living in the throws of a time when technology is evolving so much more quickly than our biological selves and because of this we are suffering. We have anxiety, depression, diabetes, obesity, digestive issues and autoimmune diseases galore. I see these as great symptoms of a great change. 

I haven’t written that book. Not yet. Somehow I didn’t feel I had all of the pieces.

Back to my confusion. After some deep introspection during my time spent living at the yoga ashram, I decide to (finally) apply for the Peace Corps. I had wanted to do the Peace Corps since my freshman year of college when I met a group of returned volunteers at a study abroad fair. They all seemed so different than most people I met. They had this knowing about them that I admired.

However, with the death of my brother during my junior year of college, I felt paralyzed to go so far away from my family for such a long period of time. So I dropped the idea from my conscious mind. But it never went away truly. 

In 2011 I embarked on a 2-year journey to Eastern Europe to do whatever was asked of me. I did know I’d learn a lot about the world, myself, and about humans in general. I also knew that I’d gain a better understanding of how government, public, and private industry work together to solve societal problems. And all of this did happen. And then I came home. And then what?

I often find myself in envy of people who always know what comes next. “I’m going to Peace Corps, then I’m getting my JD, then I’m moving to Montana and buying 300 acres and having 5 babies”. Well isn’t that nice?! What a plan! But that’s not me. I don’t lay it out like that for whatever reason. And yes, I know all of the books that teach us about the secrets of realizing our greatest desires say we need a CLEAR picture of what we want to and hold that, then we'll get it. But aren't we also supposed to be careful what we wish for? The only thing I clearly know that I want is peace of mind, happiness, and health.

I guess I don’t trust my fleeting desires for what I WANT as much as I trust that the smaller choices I make daily in my life lead me to what I NEED. Maybe I am wrong but hopefully that as I grow wiser with time, my choices just keep getter better.

"And so how the f did I end up here?" I've spent the last year asking myself. I am not making good money. I do not own a home. (Nor a second home obvi...a desire). I do not have a gaggle of children. I would not be considered successful in the eyes of many. And certainly not in the eyes of my 19-year old fashion industry-wanting self. 

But you know what I've finally realize I am doing? I am facing that revolution I've been so aware, the first major kick of which I experienced in 2009. The awareness likely spans my entire life. I finally feel that I am alive right now to somehow play, no matter how small, a role in preparing us for this revolution. For preparing and for sustaining in a flexible, adaptable way. 

In my current role, I am developing and implementing programs that teach high school students about the entrepreneurial mindset. My boss inspires me with his reason for doing what we do: because the world is rapidly changing and we can assuredly predict that that change will continue at an ever-increasing rate. Bill Gates himself shares concern for the number of jobs that will soon be replaced by AI and the “software substitution”. Yes, the coming technology will change things and we need to have people prepared for this in more ways than simply knowing how to work with technology. Of course we need programmers and consultants and IT project managers, but more than that, we need to let young people know about this change and prepare them to be flexible, adaptable, and yes, entrepreneurial. Because with great change, comes great opportunity. And those who know how to recognize this opportunity, who are willing to take risks, to approach it, to work with it, to bring value to others, will flourish in our new world. 

It’s not just about food and nutrition, spiritual wellbeing, beauty and fashion, money. It’s not just about one thing. It's holistic. I wanted to write about the holistic human, and how to thrive in our world of tomorrow. There is more to the picture, and I am immersed in that now. I am grateful. I would not be here if not for the journey to here.

OM tat sat.

I'm Faking Everything

My track record is improving.  Only about 3 months between posts this time! Not much change since my last sharing to be honest. Of course the thoughts are there: the "whys", the "hows", the too much thinking...

One of my guilty pleasures and weekly ways to turn off the chatter box in my head is the HBO show, "Girls". It's not particularly compelling, and many of the characters annoy the heck out of me...but there is something to the hum-drum narcissism of the characters that is so... familiar. I know I am not alone in this, because millions of other people watch the show for a reason. It's a generational thing perhaps. How we all experience our lives as though we are the main character of an elaborate, long, drawn out film, (or Instagram stream).

I bring up the show because on the last episode I watched, two quick quotes poured out of two characters at the very end of the episode, that I found quite profound. And so today I want to think about and explore what it was in those two phrases that stirred me up.

Phrase one...
Was shared by the unpredictable, borderline sociopath, Jessa. As she strolls down the street smoking a cigarette, discussing the man who just dumped her for his ex, she ponders what she saw in him. She says that he moved so fast he didn't let her think. "I don't do well when I think," is how she put it.

Do you ever wonder if you're overthinking things? I know for sure I do. It's exhausting. It's the reason I sought out yoga and meditation in the first place. While studying with wonderful teachers during my stint at the ashram, we talked a lot about how we can't really control what we think. We have very, very little control over the thoughts that pop into our heads actually. So that's the good news. We don't have to feel terrible when (and this was the teacher's example), we hear a loved one died and think, "I wonder what they left me?" That thought came from left field and you have a million other thoughts flooding in as well, like, "What will I do without this person in my life?"and "Did they die peacefully?" and "How is so-and-so doing?"

But of course that ONE thought, the one that you shouldn't think, will probably bother you. But again, we don't have much control over what we think. Where we gain control is in how much attention we give to a thought. The more time and energy spent on a thought, the more the thought grows and gains power. And the more likely we will be to have that thought again and again.

A great and common example of this would be a thought that arises at some point in everyone's life, "I am not good enough". There are plenty of teachers that show us how to work through these kinds of thoughts. Ask the questions: "Is it true? Can I be 100% it's true? What's the evidence" etc. This is all good for examination. The problem is that we can usually find plenty of evidence that we're not good enough and this thought can become a habit and part of who we are and how we present ourselves to the world. It will prevent relationships, careers, and happiness. See how tricky that is? Our thoughts create our reality and so Jessa was spot on...we often don't do well when we think.

You can explore much more about thought power and the mechanics of the mind, which I wrote about in-depth a few years back. Essentially, we probably all do better when we don't think so much, and it takes training to be able to have some semblance of control over the power of our thoughts and how they help us/hurt us in this world. But there ARE methods to sort this out, they just take time and effort, like everything else in life worth attaining.


Phrase two...
Was shared by the show's main character, the naive and narcissistic Hannah, who has just left grad school, started substitute teaching (after her thus far short-lived but successful career as a writer), found out her dad is gay, and that her best friend is engaged. A man who was in love with aforementioned friend quips, "I'm so happy for her", to which Hannah responds, "I'm so happy for everyone", as she stares off into space. Her friend quickly retorts flatly, "I'm faking it", to which, without a beat, Hannah says, "I'm faking everything." This is how the episode ends.

Ok so maybe I totally resonate with Hannah. Do you? Do we all? I have no idea. What I do know is that the more time I spend on things like Facebook, and Instagram and see both people I know and people I don't know, living these seemingly amazing lives full of fun, laughter, smiles, new clothes, new kitchens, vacations, flowers, gifts, yoga classes and...well you get what I'm saying...the worse I feel about my own seemingly lacking life. The comparison game is a slippery slope but rather impossible not to fall into in today's "show off" world.

I mean, let's get real. People have always been show-offs, braggers. But it was only their closest friends, family, and colleagues who would likely have to deal with it. Now, we willingly peak in on what every odd person we happened to meet long enough to become "Facebook friends" with, and get to see their life highlights. "Well geez, they're all better than mine", says the ego. My goodness just writing this last sentence has made me question my own sanity in spending ANY time on these sites.

I like how Maddi Fieleke shares in her blog post:

I’M NOT A LIAR BUT FACEBOOK SURE IS.

Yeah..

Anyway, this post has not been entirely uplifting or insightful, but a true rambling of observation. I know there has been been plenty of talk and research on the negative effects of continuous social sharing, and I am sure there are probably plenty of arguments for the positive effects too. For me, I have become very hesitant to share much online anymore. I know I could probably portray that I have some freaking awesome life by how I frame it all, but I'd feel like a liar. I feel myself withdrawing from that sharing. And I know thousands of others are too. 

Got to love our massive societal shifts! It was obviously an evolutionary step to over-share en-masse and I suspect there will be a return to modesty, simplicity, and humility. That's why I started this blog in the first place ;)

OM!

Coming Around Again

I just read that quote on Facebook (oh yeah, I am meaning to get off that dreadful site, but I'm not ready ;)). The person who shared it was pointing to procrastination and how feeling that we need to have everything figured out and in its place often stops us from getting started in the first place.

This sentiment is oh too true in too many areas of my life. For example, even writing this blog post. I have been thinking, "I want to write again" and even telling people, "I want to share my thoughts on this," or "I want to write a book on that", the advice is often,"Why don't you first start with some blog posts?". Seems easy. But having stepped away from writing (sharing) here for almost a full year, I feel sheepish as I log in and face my Self. I mean, it's hard enough when you reach out to that person or contact you've neglected, "Hey, it's been waaaaaayyyy too long, how ARE you?" and it's no different than when have to look at yourself and say, "Yes, I neglected you."

I know that I need a creative outlet. And if I am not going to sit and write a darn book, I had best be writing this darn blog!

So a check-in. Somewhere to start.

Last time I wrote here I was leaving Moldova to return to the USA after my 2.5 years with the Peace Corps. Since then, things have been weird. It's a period of time when I have looked around me and said, "well heck, THIS isn't how I pictured my life". Truth be told (and yes it pains me to share this, because these are those types of thoughts people don't usually share with others, but perhaps what sets apart a writer/sharer/blogger?) I LOVED to babysit in college and assumed that by the age of 33 I would have my own home and family. Stay-at-home-mom, 2-3 kids, rescued dog, darling husband who worked in something in finance and required me every so often to host a fancy dinner party where his boss and his wife would attend and I would have to buy a new dress....you know. The stuff I saw around me, the stuff we see on TV.

Of course I have now seen many, many, many versions of this "normal life". Extremes even. Everywhere from in a Moldovan village where kids were 1-2, dog was "rescued" only to be tied to a stake in the yard for life, and husband was actually in Russia building a pipeline or driving a truck. No boss for dinner except maybe her's because she took care of the home and children probably with the help of her mother and then also worked. So she had her boss and his wife over for the nicest meal she made all year. Maybe. Or maybe the family in Maine enjoying the sweetness of summer. Dad flying home on the private plane to attend to some business but returning with the chairman of the board of the fund he invests his family's dwindling trusts, but no fear, he married her and her family has got plenty of money (who cares if it's "new" anymore?!). Mom will host an amazing dinner of fresh crab salad and a real lobster bake with bibs and everything. It will be so quaint!

Yes, I have been privy to witnessing this play out on so many layers of life. And so maybe that's why I expected to be experiencing that same thing. But alas, I am not. I have no children and I work full-time. And I swallow that. It might be different if my full-time work was for myself in one of the many ventures I planned and plotted along the way but never found the partner, time, money etc. Only myself to burden and blame with that silliness.

As you know, if you've read my other blog posts, I did get married. But my husband is not a banker or investor, he works in construction. He loves to make things with his hands and to be outside in the freshness of the world, not in an office in front of a screen. And how can I blame him? Yet I do. When I am scared and reeling from the fact that we don't have a home or kids or bosses coming for dinner, I start to feel angry towards him for not being a computer programmer or banker. But I married him for who he is. How dare I think those things? I love him BECAUSE he is who he is with no airs, to pretense, simply doing what he loves to do and trusting that the universe will provide when the time comes for things like children, homes, and dinner parties.

I won't lie. It's been rough. He's foreign, no US degrees, a heavy accent. He's with his third construction team now. I'm SO thankful he has found work as quickly as he did upon arrival in July, because he's not a person who can sit home for long. I have so much to be thankful for and so now, after many journeys to many places, karma has brought me back only 45 minutes from my hometown to where I found work, with a university managing programs for youth in entrepreneurship. I had done projects while in Moldova to inspire people to take control of their own lives through the entrepreneurial mindset, after their past with communism, which seems to have leeched into their hearts and minds.

I'm coming around again.

Oh and so back to the quote above...so much of what we teach in the entrepreneurship program where I work is based on lean startup methodology. This says that you NEED to get started before you're 100% ready so that you know that what you're building is the right thing. You need to put it out to the world for which you're creating, so the world can respond and get you on the right track. There is no one-man-show. There is no ready.

Om tat sat.

Before and After

Before

Of course after 2 1/2 years a person ages somewhat. So we can see those changes. But what about the changes we can't exactly see but we know are there?

I made a quick trip to the Sivananda Yoga Farm right before embarking on my Peace Corps experience. I wanted to touch base with the silent inner voice I had gotten to know better while there, and to gain some feeling of "blessing" from the director, Swami Sita. I was so happy when I found that the lovely and sweet Ambika, an Ayurvedic practitioner well known at the Farm, was also staying while I was there. Before I left, she looked deep into my eyes and told me to be sure to take a before and after photo with a clear look into my eyes, so I could see the profound changes that were sure to occur, even, and especially, at the soul level.

OK, so there are many levels on which we change. They can actually line up exactly with the 3 bodies: spirit, mind, body. And yes, all of those have changed. So let's look at each of those for this post :)

The easiest to notice are the physical changes:

1) My hair is longer. I cut it short right before I left for Moldova as I didn't know what I could expect for hair-care. Well, little did I know that I would be living in a city and there would be plenty of places for haircuts and even highlights. But I didn't exactly find a stylist I loved and sort of decided to let it grow out!

2) I am 3-5 pounds lighter. At one point, I had put on a good 7 pounds. That was almost a year into my service. I remember taking a trip with my friend Natashia to Budapest and we were visiting a spa that had hot spring baths and waters to drink. I wanted to cleanse. I stepped on the scale and saw 60 Kilo and it didn't take too much calculating to realize that was more than I usually weigh. Of course this was the beginning of spring and I always gain weight when it's cold (and the Peace Corps doctors and all of the women here would also remark I needed to be more sturdy for winter). I am closer now to my "healthy weight" but I do fear that is more fat than muscle since I didn't keep a regular workout routine...ugh.

3) I look older. Apparently I look young for my age because people in Moldova always thought I was 25 (I am 32). But when I look at photos from 2011 and now, I guess I can see some new lines. I also think I see some circles under my eyes...

4) I might possibly be toxic. This one is out for the jury. On one hand, I ate quite "clean" in Moldova in the sense that I didn't eat a lot of packaged or processed foods. Moldova also has incredibly rich "black" soil. The fruits and veggies are unbelievably juicy, tasty, amazing! So this makes me think that the micro-nutrients that go into the foods from the soil are higher there. But on the other hand, there is no great organized waste management in Moldova so who knows what's going into the soil really. The water is heavy in minerals and I have no idea if some of those are the dreaded "heavy metals" that come with industrial wasteland type environments. With no place to put your trash, a lot of people burn their trash, including plastics, so who knows what I was breathing on many days. I didn't do any sort of toxicity testing before Moldova so I have no baseline data to compare, but I will definitely be doing some sort of cleansing when I get home.

And next comes the mind...

A little harder to take notice to, but comparing to my thought patterns of the past:

1) I am less self-important. I can't say how I was before I left, but I can say that is something that hit me when I would meet new Americans well into my service. I often felt they were really loud, open, and sharing strange details about their lives that didn't seem to be relevant or necessary. This was overwhelming to me. When I shared this with my work partner, Inesa, she said that I was probably just the same as them but then I got used to the Moldovan ways of being which are typically more reserved with personal life details. I am not so sure if this is exactly "self-importance" but it does seem that I have taken to the Moldovan way of remaining a bit more reserved until appropriately accustomed to a person or group of people and it's not out of shyness but more out of not feeling like everything I say or share is the most important. I have learned to listen more.

2) I compare myself with others less. I won't call this phenomenon an American thing, because truly it's a human thing. We tend to see where others our age are in life, what our neighbor has done to their home, and so on, and compare that to where we are. It's like trying to stick in a life thermometer and ensure we are somehow OK. But living in a place where I understand how difficult it is for people to "get ahead" and living with people who don't have much but offer everything they have, has truly shown me that the things in a person's life are nothing compared to the way a person conducts themselves within that life. Comparing the way we look, what we own, where we are in our careers with others, can be both useful and harmful .There is nothing wrong with seeing some life aspects that we want to reach for, but to understand that we all have our own path in life and that is not a linear and defined path, but an amorphous and evolving process, will help us to just love who we are and where we are...and have respect and love for that!

3) I have less anxiety. I wish I could say I somehow rid myself of all fear and anxieties but heck if that were true, I could probably convince every American to join the Peace Corps ;) My mind still plays plenty of it's same old games of self-doubt. Did I try hard enough? Do I do that the best I could? Did I waste time? Am I on the right path? These questions don't go away but they can lessen and quiet down. One thing Moldova has done for me is to significantly "ground" me. In this I mean that a lot of those high-flying, spinning fears and self-doubting thoughts were probably from being in such a fast-paced and highly critical society coupled with a seemingly unavoidable food system of highly processed inputs. (This is an Ayurvedic or "energy of food" concept that the more whole and local your foods, the more grounded and whole you will feel). Feeling more grounded and whole means feeling more comfortable in one's body, life, and choices. For this I am incredibly grateful.

And finally, the soul...

It's so hard to know how we've changed on the soul level. Of course I have but I won't be able to see that until I have my life review or however that process works towards the time of leaving the physical body. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and there we might see the change. I am not sure this is the best picture but it was taken the day I finished with Peace Corps, my "Close of Service" date. The picture at the beginning of the post was taken the day I swore in as a volunteer in  Moldova. Om!

After

The Julie and Costea Show

Looking up the definitive definition of the word narcissist allows me to know that is not what I am. And I hardly think that I am alone in my thinking. It's like this: ever since I was a little girl, I felt at times like I was in a movie or a show, on stage, as though people were always watching me. (Ok, so notice my fear of narcissism, but truthfully there is no self-importance or lack of empathy or anything...)  I have no idea where this idea came from, but it's stayed with me, a sense that is at some times stronger than others. Like I am observing myself.

In a world of Instagram updates showing off every little thing we do, my fantastic ideas that people were watching me, have become reality for those who actually want that. I did so many cool things throughout my youth and can actually recall thinking, "Wow, how awesome is life, if only the people could see me now". I know I was not alone in this thinking because of the popularity of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. These services arose in popularity because there were millions of people thinking that same thing. We're all the same in many ways...

I can't say I have totally taken to showing off everything in my life, nor would I want to. I will go over the reasons why much more in my "the differences between people here and there" and  "how I have changed" posts coming soon. But with all of that, I can't help from daydreaming about the crazy reality that will be mine and Costea's life when we are living and trying to make a go of it in the US of A. And in my mind that plays my life like a show, I mean, we are practically a reality TV sensation :)

So why will our life be so crazy?

Starring Constantin Grozav as Costea

For one, Costea has never been to the USA. He's met a lot of Americans, mostly Peace Corps volunteers, which one might argue are a breed of their own, but he's never experienced the kind of diversity he'll meet there: people of every color, religion, sexual identity and beyond. Of course I sense he is an accepting person but it will still be a big difference for him. Costea does know English so he'll get along in conversation. But the little sayings and idioms will surely get him at times. For example, one time when I was really mad (warning: not so yogic moment ahead...) I called him a 'piece of shit'. Rather than getting mad at my diarrhea of the mouth he started laughing because that just sounded so funny to him. He was imagining a little piece of poop and why I would call him that. I had to explain that it's a saying people use in America to describe a person who is not so nice. SO...one can imagine how many of those we'll go through.

and Julie Frieswyk as Julie

Next, though I am American, I haven't been in the USA at all in two and a half years. I have changed indeed and will have to find my place in my new role as an employee somewhere, a wife in America, and hopefully in some part of some awesome and supportive community of friends. But as the native between us, I will be the "root" so to speak. Costea won't have any roots and I need to be grounded enough for both of us. And for a girl who loves to fly, this will be a whole new challenge.

Lastly, I will share that Costea and I have quite of a bit of an age difference. I am the older one and surprisingly not too many people here have thought too much of it. We'll see if that's the same in America. I honestly always thought I would marry someone my senior, but you know, when you're the kind who moves with life rather than planning so hard, life surprises and amazes you constantly. 

I figure that as an outlet and for entertainment, I can document our transition to life in America a bit. I already have a few seasons of our show and maybe even a feature film played out in my head with about 1,000 different paths, variants and outcomes. It should all be interesting. Thinking about sharing our craziness makes me a little nervous and feeling quite vulnerable. I have definitely become a more private person in my time here. But the lessons we'll be sure to learn are probably too juicy not to share. And the laughs...

We want to be healthy and fit and introducing Costea to the "health nut" version of myself will be interesting. I can't wait to juice with him and do cleanses and experiment with food. We want to be more active than we've been here. There aren't exactly national parks and tennis courts around here. I want to hike and take yoga classes and to both take up tennis. Costea was the captain of his volleyball team so hopefully he can find some way to play wherever we end up. Oh and that...that's just another twist to this story...we don't know where we're going to live yet! A few irons in the fire but nothing for sure. So much is open and we're keeping our hearts and minds open. Finding our way around my friends who seemingly all have mortgages and babies, the new friends we make, our professional lives, and family, will keep us busy and above all, hopefully happy. This will be challenging...! This is life.