Questions

View from my apartment window. A not-gray day.

I have been really quiet. Am I being secretive? Am I just so "wrapped up" in it all? I am leaning towards the latter. I am not usually afraid to share the details of my inner-most thoughts.  Am I feeling there is nothing worth sharing these days?

What am I spending my thought energy on now, in my 18th month  as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Moldova? What battle am I fighting in there? I asked and this came:

There is gray 

  On this day

There is no one 

   to say

How it all comes

   together

When a day is so gray

There's a quickness 

  to air

There's a stir 

  In my heart

Is there is something

   to grasp to?

Or is flying

   my art?

One part is 

  so gray

And the other 

   can't say

In which

 direction

Or what 

   to allay

This morning I awoke to a cold rain that soon became snow. Winter, it seems, has found Moldova. 

OM shanti

Om peace

Three Years Ago, Plus (Finally) Some Updates

Just realized something about myself...

Three years ago at the Sivananda Yoga Farm

I have gotten over beating myself up about not writing on my blog. At first it was a regular thing,, to scold myself. I promised myself I wouldn't be "like that". I would't become jaded about my experience and just stop writing. Well thankfully I am not feeling at all jaded. That's not it. What is it then? Why don't I have my almost-daily awakenings of one sort or another? Whether that little spark is to share a small story or some thought I had been chewing on for a while, in the past I wasn't at all hesitant to write, to share in word.

Well I think I finally have some insight about this. When I was home in the States, in my comfort zone if you will, I had all sorts of "free space" in my micro-processor mind for these sorts of insights. And NOW, in a new culture, new language, new people, new food, new new new life...that energy is redirected, in my case, to things like figuring out how to ask for a kilo of apples or how to approach a colleague about going about an old method in a new way. 

This redirecting of energy is no new concept. It's basic physics. Energy is never created nor destroyed, it's simply changed. So instead of me being able to share my inner mental/spiritual thoughts here, I am dreaming up and sharing with people in Moldova, face to face. I am helping to produce a film about pensioners trying to get by on $40 a month, helping a budding artist to share her work with a global audience, creating an international externship program, writing business plans with enthusiastic young people, meanwhile buying my apples and calling taxis in Russian. OHHHHH...so that's where the energy is going :) 

And this is what I asked for. Three years ago today I was embarking on a journey to my core. I arrived at the Sivananda Yoga Farm on October 1, 2009 with the aim of simply "raising my vibration". Of course becoming a certified yoga instructor was cool too-a useful trade I could take with me anywhere; but my main goal was one of self-discovery. Three months later, I found myself still at the Yoga Farm, working as staff, and having morning meditations that urged me to explore Karma Yoga. Karma Yoga means self-less service. This is where we work in exchange for simply being of use. There is no pay-off. There is no expectation. And last night I had a dream that someone kept urging me to read the part of my instructor's manual about Karma Yoga. It was a reminder. 

Yesterday was my brother-in-law's birthday. I wrote him a quick note today, in my remembering I hadn't done so the day before. When I read his thoughtful response that ended with the line, "I know your making the most of this time away....will be over in a blink of the eye", I cried. I cried and I let myself cry. Then I asked the question, WHY was I crying? They weren't sad tears. They were happy tears. Wait...and sad tears. I was crying knowing that my Peace Corps experience would end. That I would have more goodbyes than I wanted to think about. But I was also crying (and still am) because I realized something today. I realized that I really am creating my life. Three years ago at the Yoga Farm I promised myself to learn about karma yoga. For me this came in the idea of Peace Corps. And I did it. The idea came and I made it happen. And now I am here in the Republic of Moldova and am crying because I realize why I am here. And I am crying because I realize I haven't cried like this in a long time. And I am a crier. 

And so, after all of this rambling, I learned something about myself today. My crying and feeling and sensitivity, like in this night of crying over a line in an email, this is a great gift. All along I thought I was overly-sensitive and over-reactive, but in reality, I am processing what I am experiencing. And when I process instead of holding back, I am able to move. I can move through and on. I can flow. I know many people who do not process their emotions. They are stacked and packed, perfect packages or bombs ready to explode. I hope to share the gift of embracing the flow. I know I am creating my life, and I know that I am good at processing and moving through. I am still no expert, but I learning every day and getting stronger and stronger...SO GRATEFUL!

Celebrating my birthday with colleagues in Balti, Moldova

Just Because

This is what came up today.

We all go through hard times. Dark times. Life is both. Light and dark. Finding a graceful way to move between these two places...that is true success.

Someone is in that dark place right now. Maybe it's you.

Here's my letter to you:

Dear Beloved,

I am not sure exactly what you're going through but I can sense it. What I know is that all great souls have to reach some place of darkness before a period of intense light, so that they may recognize and go after that light. So that they will remember the other side of the coin. We have heard of "the dark night of the soul".

My own first deep dive into the dark was when my brother died. It was sudden and traumatic and took a long time to process. And that's OK. Life is just an experiment for processing all that happens around us. We experience things as happening "to" us but really we're all just trillions of mattered-particles spinning around and bumping into eachother and it's our emotions that start clinging to "things". The harder the clinging, the bigger the lesson. It sounds so cold...that the great sages could move through deaths and losses without showing emotion. However, this was just out of a place of complete understanding that all that was happening was in many ways an illusion and quite temporary. That all that is "real" lasts forever. And when something is lost or changes, it wasn't "real" and just an experience.

So that is the question? What does actually last forever? Really? Not our bodies, our jobs, our homes, even our relationships (although I like to think some carry on with us!). What is left? Our Selves. Everything else can go in a split second.

Life seems to offer us these sometimes seemingly "terrifying, paralyzing, how-the-heck will I survive?" lessons. And I ask myself, WHY?! WHY THIS LESSON? WHAT DO I NEED TO LEARN HERE? I cry, I feel sad, sorry...but then...finally...I remember how many lessons I have payed for in my life: yoga, cooking, nutrition, dance...all areas I want to learn more about for my personal growth and to in turn help others. And what I have realized, is that sometimes we don't get to sign-up for and attend lessons, they are simply brought TO us. And these are the ones that matter most. Because God/the Universe brought them and knew we needed them and they will shape our souls into exactly the shape they need to be. IF we pass of course.

How do we pass? Well, I guess only we can know if we have moved through something with the most grace, surrender and acceptance we can muster. And each time we go through that darkness we pick up a new strength, a new tool.  I wish you all of those things right now.

Be gentle with your Self. It will get better. I promise.

XOm