Pterodactyls on the Road to Home

Laela and me in Balti

My sitemate Laela (meaning she is also a Peace Corps Volunteer living and working in Balti) recently invited me to join her for some activities at a center she works with called Drumul Spre Casa (DSC). In Romanian this translates to “the road to home.”  DSC is a temporary placement shelter for youth from at-risk family situations.  This includes such situations as single-parents without the means to support their children, drug or alcohol addicted parents, or absence of parents due to leaving the country to work abroad without taking their children.  Laela arranges one activity per week at the center and last week she invited me to lead a yoga class.  Walking into a new place to teach, no matter the subject, one never knows quite what to expect.  However I do know I will likely be the one to learn something.

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I had met Luda during a previous visit to the center.  She had seemingly flown out the front doors and leapt into Laela’s arms with a loud HELLO!  She had the energy of a fairy and her short pixie hair, sharp light blue eyes, freckles and slightly upturned nose, gave her the look of a sprite.  I loved her!  I joked with her in Russian about Laela’s blue nail polish hiding underneath her purple gloves.  “Surprise!” we giggled.  Yes, Luda is a spitfire. 

When we arrived  for the yoga class, we entered a scene of girls from the local university leading the children in a costume game.  They had all made head-dresses and were singing songs in Russian about friendship and home and then dancing around like “Indians” (yes-Native American is more PC I know).  Hmmm, I thought, this will be an interesting act to follow.  I sat down and watched as the activity wound down.  The college students handed out some treats and the children began to disperse.  The energy was still very high, very rowdy and here came hopping along, Luda.    She took my hand, opened it up and placed a raisin in it.  She was sharing her treat with me!  I was immediately hit with how incredibly generous this was.  Here was a little girl who couldn’t live at her home because her family was either too poor, had left the country or had other issues of abuse or violence, giving ME her treat.  And not only did she give me a raisin, she gave me the little plastic dinosaur toy they had given her too.  It was a blue Pterodactyl. 

I didn’t leave that day with the blue Pterodactyl, in fact I left with a pink one.  A little boy had seen me holding the blue one.  His was pink.  Without exchange of words, our eyes met, we nodded, and we switched.  Using the language beyond words. This entire exchange and relationship is common for a Peace Corps Volunteer-to experience this generosity and selflessness of a people who seemingly have so much “less” than us.

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 I tend to see my life symoblicly, seeing meaning in things others may pass over.   I won’t go into whether this a “right” or “wrong” way of thinking.  I do understand that life is just happening, and that I am the one adding meaning to it. However, I have always loved legends, prophecies, symbols, signs, omens, superstitions.  That’s the way I am and that’s OK. I like meaning.  So when Luda first handed me the dinosaur toy and I told her it was a Pterodactyl, my mind leapt to a reoccurring dream I have about…you guessed it…Pterodactyls… swooping  over me.  It is always an intense dream with me having thoughts of first incredible fear followed by reasoning that this cannot be happening as these animals are long extinct, followed by me realizing I must be someplace really crazy, or that I must be dreaming.  And so at this point I gain the ability to begin to lucid dream-to take control of my experience.  But I always wake up before I can begin...

Luda’s generosity was in turn also a gift in that it encouraged me to finally decipher what it was my soul, my inner knowing, was trying to teach me in my dream state.

I looked up what it can mean to dream about dinosaurs.  Not surprisingly I got this:

”To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. You may need to discard your old ways of thinking and habits. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you”

For me this signifies the outdated ideas I carry about who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, how I should look ect.- based on what others around me say.  It’s a mistake-I know.  It’s our families, our friends, our coworkers, the media…all sources outside of us, and our relationship to them, shaping how we in turn shape our lives, our perspectives.  When I get caught up in the “should” way of thinking, in swoops the Pterodactyl to remind me to rid of that thinking.  Just like the emotions of my dream, these thoughts come out of: first fear (of not being accepted, of not belonging) and then are hit with my reasoning, usually convincing me of why these outside sources must be right, and then the eventual realization that…it’s all an illusion.  The truth is I am in a pretty crazy place here on Earth. But also, I am free to control how I see it, how I perceive…I am in control of me.  And so, I am on the road home.

Om tat sat. 
XOm

10 Things to Make Besides Money

1. Time
2. Merry
3. Friends
4. Amends
5. Love
6. Sense
7. Room
8. Waves
9. Love
10. Believe

What else...?

XOm

Technique 5: Solar (or 5 Perspectives on Free Will & Desire)

In developing my approach to the Solar technique, I found myself immersed in a LOT of information. The explanation from the Ascension manual was a bit out there even for me, leaving me with a wide angle:

The result of the Solar Ascension Attitude is to begin to awaken the highest function of human consciousness. Mastery of the Solar Technique gives complete knowledge of each of these severally and individually. It is also a powerful tool for the development of the highest degree of human enlightenment, Unity Consciousness. Mastery of the Solar connection opens one to the Causal Worlds; upon death, this is where one goes. This is called the Path of the Sages.

I had expected something more along the lines of what I understand of SOLAR: the will, power, vitality, masculine, yang, the basic drive for significance, psychic and physical energy, stamina, rulers and authority figures, individuality.

And so I have attempted to reconcile what I extracted from the document with my own research, analysis and experience around the Solar force in our lives.  (And using my own SOLAR power-my will to do such!) Specifically, I want to focus on one's will.

In Hatha yoga, the "Ha" stands for Sun and the "Tha" for Moon. You can also say it stands for Yin/Ying, Masculine/Feminine, Force/Surrender, Right/Left. It is all the same idea of a balance between two opposing forces.   I was particularly intrigued by this topic after a recent conversation with a friend where I told him that I was still waiting to hear back from a group I wanted to work with. It went something like this:

friend: you know whatever happens is what needed to happen

me: exactly

friend: wait, wtf, i don't believe in that sentence

me: oh shut up

friend: seriously i don't- you know that right?

me: so what's your take? not that we are exactly where we need to be? of course we have free will and we can always change it up. it's the fine balance between surrender/acceptance and force/will...so I believe in both I suppose

friend: i'll tell you what-i believe you shape your world, don't wait for an answer, make it happen instead

me: like I said, I think it's a balance between shaping and surrender and the wisdom comes in when to do which

friend: i'm more of the 2nd part, pushing your future into your hands

me: lol-so what happens when you don't get what you pushed for?

friend: i push harder. it usually works very good

me: I suppose it depends on how much you want something...

we humans are full of desires

At this point, adding the topic of desires takes us from talking solely about the two opposing forces we face in our lives-our free will and "some other will"/that which is beyond our control-to the inclusion of WHY we want to push for what we push for. I have been reading and re-reading some of my favorite texts on life and have gone ahead to curate a number of perspectives on will, acceptance and desire for your reading pleasure as well as to encourage you to join me in this conversation. I have a feeling this is a conversation I won't end anytime soon. In fact, I am feeling as though this very subject is at the base of my soul's desire for understanding in this lifetime: "perfect balance".  Is there such a thing?

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1.) CHRISTIANITY

Though its authorship is questioned, the Serenity Prayer is what came to mind when I considered the topic from my own Christian upbringing.   So while this isn't directly from the Bible and maybe it’s a cop-out, I am choosing to use this to represent this segment of thought:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

That sums it all up quite nicely. Notice that here there is talk of Serenity (grace, surrender, lunar) and Courage (power, will, solar).

2.) YOGA

“When the waters of bhakti (adoration, praise, compassion) are made to flow through the turbines of the mind, the result is mental power and spiritual illumination. While mere physical strength (Solar) without bhakti is lethal, mere adoration (Lunar) without strength of character is like an opiate. Addiction to pleasures alone destroys both power and glory. From the gratification of the senses as they run after pleasures arises moha (attachment) and lobha (greed) for their repetition. If the senses are then not gratified, then, there is soka(sorrow)” -B.K.S. Iyengar in his book, Light on Yoga with a little input from me in (green)

In essence:

Once sorrow/suffering sets in, we are often sent right back to using the mind alone, with power alone, to get what we want (greed) while with mindless adoration, addiction rages. This back and forth swinging is incredibly unbalancing and incredibly “normal”. Yoga seeks to stop this swinging and to reunite and reconcile the want and the appreciation.  So as to know when to implement and when to forgo, when to push and when to accept. Yoga encourages the finding of wisdom.

3.) BUDDHISM

Buddhist psychology says, “There are both healthy desires and unhealthy desires. Know the difference. Then find freedom in their midst." From Jack Kornfield's The Wise Heart:

"Our world runs on desire. We would not have been born if not for sexual desire. Without continuing desire, we would die. There is a desire for love, connection, growth, understanding. When people lose their desire to live, they jump of a bridge or swallow pills. We need desire. And yet desire is a great challenge for us.

The idea is not to be without desire, but to have a wise relationship with desire. As William Blake once said, “Those who enter the gates of heaven are not beings who have no passions or who have curbed the passions, but those who have cultivated an understanding of them.”

So how do we develop this wisdom? Buddhists connect to the root of the desire with neutral thought called “the will to do”. When this will is directed in healthy ways, it produces healthy outcomes. And vice versa. Classic examples of unhealthy desires are not different from any other religious or philosophical view: greed, addiction, lust, and overwhelming ambition. Whereas healthy desires allow us to feed, clothe and care for ourselves, tend to others and to develop our communities. Simple.

4.) JUDIASM

First a quick glance at the Jewish views of Human Nature:

• Humanity was created in the "image" of the Creator
• The "image" of the Creator is the ability to discern and reason
• Humanity has an inclination to both good and evil
• Free will is the ability to choose which inclination to follow

In Judiasm there is what is called the yetzer tov. This is the moral conscience, the inner voice. And there is also the yetzer ra, usually seen as the selfish nature, the desire to satisfy personal needs (food, shelter, sex, etc.) without regard for the moral consequences of fulfilling those desires.

The yetzer ra is not considered a bad thing.  Like in the Buddhist view of desire, it is understood that without the yetzer ra (the desire to satisfy personal needs), man would not build a house, marry a wife, beget children or conduct business affairs. Yet, the yetzer ra can lead to wrongdoing when it is not controlled by the yetzer tov. That seems to be the Jewish understanding of free will: People have the ability to choose which impulse to follow: the yetzer tov or solely the yetzer ra. It is also understood that we all have the ability to make our own choices, and we will all be held responsible for the choices we do make.

5.) TAOISM-verses from the Tao Te Ching

38

The Master doesn’t try to be powerful;

Thus he is truly powerful

The ordinary man keeps reaching for power;

Thus he never has enough.

The Master does nothing;

Yet leaves nothing undone.

The ordinary man is always doing things,

Yet many more are left to be done.

77

As it acts in the world, the Tao

Is like the bending of a bow.

The top is bent downward;

The bottom is bent up.

It adjusts excess and deficiency

So that there is perfect balance.

It takes from what is too much

And gives to what isn’t enough

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I must admit I am enjoying the fact that I don't prefer any one of these philosophies over another. (Well other than the obvious superiority of the Yogic...just kidding!)  They all say the same thing; you’ll notice there is one word I underlined in almost every perspective.

That word, even if not in the word itself, but rather the message, is wisdom. Wisdom , whose synonyms are discernment and understanding, is an inner knowing . Wisdom can be as simple as saying to oneself, "Remember last time I did that I felt horrible afterwards? I won’t do that again." To something as incredibly complex as in taking the role of a teacher and “knowing” how to guide students to their inner wisdom. In all of this, something I did learn quite concretely is that wisdom cannot be taught.

My greatest take-away from recently reading the Herman Hesse classic, Siddartha, was that knowledge can indeed be passed on, but wisdom must be cultivated within. This comes through applying what we know (or don't know) whether from past experience of our own or of another, a teacher. I dare to say that wisdom is innate. Perhaps it is covered up by our conditioning and deception of how life "is" in the illusory world. Perhaps over time we are simply peeling away layer after layer of our nonsense to get to the core of our wisdom. Or on the other hand, perhaps widsom is something we earn over time, through trial and error, through learning when to PUSH (Solar) and when to ACCEPT.

In these final words, I wish you great success in failure. In failing to push when you really wanted something. For failing to accept something you could not change and causing yourself undue suffering. I wish all of these for you, for in time, slowly, slowly, you will gain the wisdom of the Universe. After all, “the result of the Solar Ascension Attitude is to begin to awaken the highest function of human consciousness.”  Perhaps "the highest function of human consciousness" is wisdom...

Om shanti. Om peace.

-Sivakami

Moment by Moment

The apple crisp was vkucna (tasty)

There are defining moments in our lives, no doubt.  Life is just a whole lot of moments all added up to make a minute, an hour, a day...however we choose to measure.  But how do you measure the quality of a moment?  While some seem rather ordinary, others are extraordinary whether because they are painful or full of joy.  But they are full of life.  They are all equally important of course, adding up to make our lives, but some seem to be rather full of impact.  Perhaps here is the quality.

Today I had one such moment.  Full of impact, fully alive. 

It  was a gorgeously sunny fall day here in Moldova.  I woke up early to make my way to the capital for a meeting about GLOW, a volunteer-led organization intending to empower girls in leadership.  I spent the morning with some fellow volunteers, sipped some (instant) coffee and ate some cookies (very normal here, in fact I am yet to attend a meeting where there are no cookies...).  I was eager to get back to my training village, Cricova, where I am staying for another 2 weeks of language training, so that I could make apple crisp with my host sister.  And so I breezed out of the meeting and out the front doors.  However, I did take a moment to stop by the guard's desk to see if I had any packages.  It was recently my birthday and some friends from home had mentioned I should watch the mail.  Sure enough, there was a bright red box with Mickey Mouse on it from my friend Erin.  I picked it up and off I went to catch bus #2.

I was walking briskly as I didn't want to find myself spending too many moments waiting for the next bus, I wanted the 12:05.  So I, with my red box, moved down the sidewalk-all flashes of black sweater, blonde hair and red box.  At one point, I looked up and saw one of the Peace Corps language teachers, Angela, walking towards me on the opposite side of the street.  I called out to her, "Priviet Angela!"  She replied, in Russian, "Hello Julie, how are you?" as we each continued briskly towards our intended destinations.   

What ensued was a simple, fast and passing conversation, all in Russian:

Me: I'm good, all is normal, such beautiful weather!  And you?

Angela: Me too, all is good. 

Me: Bye, see you tomorrow.

Angela: Bye!

What was significant about this conversation was not what was said, but that it was followed by a moment where I realized I had spoken entirely in my new language without the premeditation of what I would say.  This doesn't happen very often, not yet.  It felt natural.  I felt like it was totally normal for me to be walking down a street in Chisinau, Moldova, seeing people I knew and exchanging pleasantries, in Russian.  I felt like I belonged. 

All in a moment.


Like watching a child grow, you cannot tell moment by moment, day by day, how they are changing.  But there are moments where a great leap in growth is realized.  And it's in reflection of these moments where we are gifted with understanding our growth and seeing the lessons this life has to offer.  Isn't is SO COOL to be alive?

Om tat sat.