Coming Around Again

I just read that quote on Facebook (oh yeah, I am meaning to get off that dreadful site, but I'm not ready ;)). The person who shared it was pointing to procrastination and how feeling that we need to have everything figured out and in its place often stops us from getting started in the first place.

This sentiment is oh too true in too many areas of my life. For example, even writing this blog post. I have been thinking, "I want to write again" and even telling people, "I want to share my thoughts on this," or "I want to write a book on that", the advice is often,"Why don't you first start with some blog posts?". Seems easy. But having stepped away from writing (sharing) here for almost a full year, I feel sheepish as I log in and face my Self. I mean, it's hard enough when you reach out to that person or contact you've neglected, "Hey, it's been waaaaaayyyy too long, how ARE you?" and it's no different than when have to look at yourself and say, "Yes, I neglected you."

I know that I need a creative outlet. And if I am not going to sit and write a darn book, I had best be writing this darn blog!

So a check-in. Somewhere to start.

Last time I wrote here I was leaving Moldova to return to the USA after my 2.5 years with the Peace Corps. Since then, things have been weird. It's a period of time when I have looked around me and said, "well heck, THIS isn't how I pictured my life". Truth be told (and yes it pains me to share this, because these are those types of thoughts people don't usually share with others, but perhaps what sets apart a writer/sharer/blogger?) I LOVED to babysit in college and assumed that by the age of 33 I would have my own home and family. Stay-at-home-mom, 2-3 kids, rescued dog, darling husband who worked in something in finance and required me every so often to host a fancy dinner party where his boss and his wife would attend and I would have to buy a new dress....you know. The stuff I saw around me, the stuff we see on TV.

Of course I have now seen many, many, many versions of this "normal life". Extremes even. Everywhere from in a Moldovan village where kids were 1-2, dog was "rescued" only to be tied to a stake in the yard for life, and husband was actually in Russia building a pipeline or driving a truck. No boss for dinner except maybe her's because she took care of the home and children probably with the help of her mother and then also worked. So she had her boss and his wife over for the nicest meal she made all year. Maybe. Or maybe the family in Maine enjoying the sweetness of summer. Dad flying home on the private plane to attend to some business but returning with the chairman of the board of the fund he invests his family's dwindling trusts, but no fear, he married her and her family has got plenty of money (who cares if it's "new" anymore?!). Mom will host an amazing dinner of fresh crab salad and a real lobster bake with bibs and everything. It will be so quaint!

Yes, I have been privy to witnessing this play out on so many layers of life. And so maybe that's why I expected to be experiencing that same thing. But alas, I am not. I have no children and I work full-time. And I swallow that. It might be different if my full-time work was for myself in one of the many ventures I planned and plotted along the way but never found the partner, time, money etc. Only myself to burden and blame with that silliness.

As you know, if you've read my other blog posts, I did get married. But my husband is not a banker or investor, he works in construction. He loves to make things with his hands and to be outside in the freshness of the world, not in an office in front of a screen. And how can I blame him? Yet I do. When I am scared and reeling from the fact that we don't have a home or kids or bosses coming for dinner, I start to feel angry towards him for not being a computer programmer or banker. But I married him for who he is. How dare I think those things? I love him BECAUSE he is who he is with no airs, to pretense, simply doing what he loves to do and trusting that the universe will provide when the time comes for things like children, homes, and dinner parties.

I won't lie. It's been rough. He's foreign, no US degrees, a heavy accent. He's with his third construction team now. I'm SO thankful he has found work as quickly as he did upon arrival in July, because he's not a person who can sit home for long. I have so much to be thankful for and so now, after many journeys to many places, karma has brought me back only 45 minutes from my hometown to where I found work, with a university managing programs for youth in entrepreneurship. I had done projects while in Moldova to inspire people to take control of their own lives through the entrepreneurial mindset, after their past with communism, which seems to have leeched into their hearts and minds.

I'm coming around again.

Oh and so back to the quote above...so much of what we teach in the entrepreneurship program where I work is based on lean startup methodology. This says that you NEED to get started before you're 100% ready so that you know that what you're building is the right thing. You need to put it out to the world for which you're creating, so the world can respond and get you on the right track. There is no one-man-show. There is no ready.

Om tat sat.

Before and After

Before

Of course after 2 1/2 years a person ages somewhat. So we can see those changes. But what about the changes we can't exactly see but we know are there?

I made a quick trip to the Sivananda Yoga Farm right before embarking on my Peace Corps experience. I wanted to touch base with the silent inner voice I had gotten to know better while there, and to gain some feeling of "blessing" from the director, Swami Sita. I was so happy when I found that the lovely and sweet Ambika, an Ayurvedic practitioner well known at the Farm, was also staying while I was there. Before I left, she looked deep into my eyes and told me to be sure to take a before and after photo with a clear look into my eyes, so I could see the profound changes that were sure to occur, even, and especially, at the soul level.

OK, so there are many levels on which we change. They can actually line up exactly with the 3 bodies: spirit, mind, body. And yes, all of those have changed. So let's look at each of those for this post :)

The easiest to notice are the physical changes:

1) My hair is longer. I cut it short right before I left for Moldova as I didn't know what I could expect for hair-care. Well, little did I know that I would be living in a city and there would be plenty of places for haircuts and even highlights. But I didn't exactly find a stylist I loved and sort of decided to let it grow out!

2) I am 3-5 pounds lighter. At one point, I had put on a good 7 pounds. That was almost a year into my service. I remember taking a trip with my friend Natashia to Budapest and we were visiting a spa that had hot spring baths and waters to drink. I wanted to cleanse. I stepped on the scale and saw 60 Kilo and it didn't take too much calculating to realize that was more than I usually weigh. Of course this was the beginning of spring and I always gain weight when it's cold (and the Peace Corps doctors and all of the women here would also remark I needed to be more sturdy for winter). I am closer now to my "healthy weight" but I do fear that is more fat than muscle since I didn't keep a regular workout routine...ugh.

3) I look older. Apparently I look young for my age because people in Moldova always thought I was 25 (I am 32). But when I look at photos from 2011 and now, I guess I can see some new lines. I also think I see some circles under my eyes...

4) I might possibly be toxic. This one is out for the jury. On one hand, I ate quite "clean" in Moldova in the sense that I didn't eat a lot of packaged or processed foods. Moldova also has incredibly rich "black" soil. The fruits and veggies are unbelievably juicy, tasty, amazing! So this makes me think that the micro-nutrients that go into the foods from the soil are higher there. But on the other hand, there is no great organized waste management in Moldova so who knows what's going into the soil really. The water is heavy in minerals and I have no idea if some of those are the dreaded "heavy metals" that come with industrial wasteland type environments. With no place to put your trash, a lot of people burn their trash, including plastics, so who knows what I was breathing on many days. I didn't do any sort of toxicity testing before Moldova so I have no baseline data to compare, but I will definitely be doing some sort of cleansing when I get home.

And next comes the mind...

A little harder to take notice to, but comparing to my thought patterns of the past:

1) I am less self-important. I can't say how I was before I left, but I can say that is something that hit me when I would meet new Americans well into my service. I often felt they were really loud, open, and sharing strange details about their lives that didn't seem to be relevant or necessary. This was overwhelming to me. When I shared this with my work partner, Inesa, she said that I was probably just the same as them but then I got used to the Moldovan ways of being which are typically more reserved with personal life details. I am not so sure if this is exactly "self-importance" but it does seem that I have taken to the Moldovan way of remaining a bit more reserved until appropriately accustomed to a person or group of people and it's not out of shyness but more out of not feeling like everything I say or share is the most important. I have learned to listen more.

2) I compare myself with others less. I won't call this phenomenon an American thing, because truly it's a human thing. We tend to see where others our age are in life, what our neighbor has done to their home, and so on, and compare that to where we are. It's like trying to stick in a life thermometer and ensure we are somehow OK. But living in a place where I understand how difficult it is for people to "get ahead" and living with people who don't have much but offer everything they have, has truly shown me that the things in a person's life are nothing compared to the way a person conducts themselves within that life. Comparing the way we look, what we own, where we are in our careers with others, can be both useful and harmful .There is nothing wrong with seeing some life aspects that we want to reach for, but to understand that we all have our own path in life and that is not a linear and defined path, but an amorphous and evolving process, will help us to just love who we are and where we are...and have respect and love for that!

3) I have less anxiety. I wish I could say I somehow rid myself of all fear and anxieties but heck if that were true, I could probably convince every American to join the Peace Corps ;) My mind still plays plenty of it's same old games of self-doubt. Did I try hard enough? Do I do that the best I could? Did I waste time? Am I on the right path? These questions don't go away but they can lessen and quiet down. One thing Moldova has done for me is to significantly "ground" me. In this I mean that a lot of those high-flying, spinning fears and self-doubting thoughts were probably from being in such a fast-paced and highly critical society coupled with a seemingly unavoidable food system of highly processed inputs. (This is an Ayurvedic or "energy of food" concept that the more whole and local your foods, the more grounded and whole you will feel). Feeling more grounded and whole means feeling more comfortable in one's body, life, and choices. For this I am incredibly grateful.

And finally, the soul...

It's so hard to know how we've changed on the soul level. Of course I have but I won't be able to see that until I have my life review or however that process works towards the time of leaving the physical body. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and there we might see the change. I am not sure this is the best picture but it was taken the day I finished with Peace Corps, my "Close of Service" date. The picture at the beginning of the post was taken the day I swore in as a volunteer in  Moldova. Om!

After