Coming Around Again

I just read that quote on Facebook (oh yeah, I am meaning to get off that dreadful site, but I'm not ready ;)). The person who shared it was pointing to procrastination and how feeling that we need to have everything figured out and in its place often stops us from getting started in the first place.

This sentiment is oh too true in too many areas of my life. For example, even writing this blog post. I have been thinking, "I want to write again" and even telling people, "I want to share my thoughts on this," or "I want to write a book on that", the advice is often,"Why don't you first start with some blog posts?". Seems easy. But having stepped away from writing (sharing) here for almost a full year, I feel sheepish as I log in and face my Self. I mean, it's hard enough when you reach out to that person or contact you've neglected, "Hey, it's been waaaaaayyyy too long, how ARE you?" and it's no different than when have to look at yourself and say, "Yes, I neglected you."

I know that I need a creative outlet. And if I am not going to sit and write a darn book, I had best be writing this darn blog!

So a check-in. Somewhere to start.

Last time I wrote here I was leaving Moldova to return to the USA after my 2.5 years with the Peace Corps. Since then, things have been weird. It's a period of time when I have looked around me and said, "well heck, THIS isn't how I pictured my life". Truth be told (and yes it pains me to share this, because these are those types of thoughts people don't usually share with others, but perhaps what sets apart a writer/sharer/blogger?) I LOVED to babysit in college and assumed that by the age of 33 I would have my own home and family. Stay-at-home-mom, 2-3 kids, rescued dog, darling husband who worked in something in finance and required me every so often to host a fancy dinner party where his boss and his wife would attend and I would have to buy a new dress....you know. The stuff I saw around me, the stuff we see on TV.

Of course I have now seen many, many, many versions of this "normal life". Extremes even. Everywhere from in a Moldovan village where kids were 1-2, dog was "rescued" only to be tied to a stake in the yard for life, and husband was actually in Russia building a pipeline or driving a truck. No boss for dinner except maybe her's because she took care of the home and children probably with the help of her mother and then also worked. So she had her boss and his wife over for the nicest meal she made all year. Maybe. Or maybe the family in Maine enjoying the sweetness of summer. Dad flying home on the private plane to attend to some business but returning with the chairman of the board of the fund he invests his family's dwindling trusts, but no fear, he married her and her family has got plenty of money (who cares if it's "new" anymore?!). Mom will host an amazing dinner of fresh crab salad and a real lobster bake with bibs and everything. It will be so quaint!

Yes, I have been privy to witnessing this play out on so many layers of life. And so maybe that's why I expected to be experiencing that same thing. But alas, I am not. I have no children and I work full-time. And I swallow that. It might be different if my full-time work was for myself in one of the many ventures I planned and plotted along the way but never found the partner, time, money etc. Only myself to burden and blame with that silliness.

As you know, if you've read my other blog posts, I did get married. But my husband is not a banker or investor, he works in construction. He loves to make things with his hands and to be outside in the freshness of the world, not in an office in front of a screen. And how can I blame him? Yet I do. When I am scared and reeling from the fact that we don't have a home or kids or bosses coming for dinner, I start to feel angry towards him for not being a computer programmer or banker. But I married him for who he is. How dare I think those things? I love him BECAUSE he is who he is with no airs, to pretense, simply doing what he loves to do and trusting that the universe will provide when the time comes for things like children, homes, and dinner parties.

I won't lie. It's been rough. He's foreign, no US degrees, a heavy accent. He's with his third construction team now. I'm SO thankful he has found work as quickly as he did upon arrival in July, because he's not a person who can sit home for long. I have so much to be thankful for and so now, after many journeys to many places, karma has brought me back only 45 minutes from my hometown to where I found work, with a university managing programs for youth in entrepreneurship. I had done projects while in Moldova to inspire people to take control of their own lives through the entrepreneurial mindset, after their past with communism, which seems to have leeched into their hearts and minds.

I'm coming around again.

Oh and so back to the quote above...so much of what we teach in the entrepreneurship program where I work is based on lean startup methodology. This says that you NEED to get started before you're 100% ready so that you know that what you're building is the right thing. You need to put it out to the world for which you're creating, so the world can respond and get you on the right track. There is no one-man-show. There is no ready.

Om tat sat.