Birth Story

The nurses and midwives at the birth center strongly suggested I write down my birth story right away so that I didn't forget anything. In fact, they suggested that each my husband and myself do this, share with one another, then keep what we want and throw out anything that was painful. Well the reality is it's now two months later and I'm just finally getting to sit down at my laptop for the couple hundredth time to finish writing out and editing the words I've been playing over in my head as I nursed my baby boy at all hours. And getting my husband to write down his story was a non-starter so I'm not pushing that. And let's be real, a lot of it was painful-ha! So, here's my story:

The photo above was taken about ten minutes before my water broke on Saturday night, December 22, 2018. I was taking mirror selfies and comparing them to previous days to see whether I had "dropped" yet ("no, not really," the photos told me). Alexander's due date was 12/21, the winter solstice. I was born on the autumn equinox, a personal fact that I love, so of course I was stoked for his solstice debut. Statistically, most babies are NOT born on their due date. And so we were a statistic on the evening of the 22nd one day after his due date. It was a full moon so my expectations were high. After doing my photo comparisons, I walked from the bathroom to go ask my husband for a second opinion on the photos when en-route, I felt a warm fluid leave my body. I was pretty sure I wasn't peeing, but it certainly was not like in the movies where a ton of water comes splashing out in a dramatic way. So I wasn't sure. So I went to bed.

I woke up at 4am the next day, December 23. It was then that I was sure this was happening because I was experiencing what equated to the worst period-like cramps ever. I woke up my hubby and we called the birth center. They suggested I take a shower to relax and see if the contractions slow down. They didn't!  That was a difficult shower! I was having contractions about 3 minutes apart lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute. My husband called my parents who had been planning to drive from Massachusetts to spend Christmas with us no matter what, but were also on-call to try to make it to the birth.

We got into the car by 7am, at which point I was having pretty serious contractions. Like, anyone who pulled up next to us at a light and looked over would likely be able to understand what was going on, serious. Like, scene from a movie serious. After arriving at the birth center, and going into our room, everything becomes a bit of a blur. Time made no sense and was measured only in knowing that another contraction was coming no matter what. I remember sitting in a rocking chair for a while and just moaning through it. I had read about "toning", which is using sound currents to help move through the pain. It was explained that the throat is energetically connected to the cervix and that making sounds and loosening the throat would help to also relax and open the cervix. I was 3 centimeters dilated when we arrived and after a few hours of rocking chair, I told the midwife that I was ready for the tub. She filled the birthing tub with warm water and OH MY GOODNESS it was the BEST. It immediately brought me relief. I can't say how long that relief lasted though, because soon enough I was back in the throws of the contractions, though this time they were even more intense. The relaxation of the water seemed to have accelerated my dilation.

Something wonderful happened around noon: my mom arrived from Massachusetts. Leaving so early in the morning, my parents made the journey to Delaware in a record 4.5 hours! My mom quickly joined the midwife and my husband in coaching me, holding my hands, and cheering me on. Meanwhile my dad was in the waiting room down the hall. I was the only laboring mama at the center, so my room's door was open and I later was told he could hear all of my toning (I'm pretty sure I was sounding like every animal in the zoo with all of the OHHHH, AHHHH, WAHHHH and such sounds I was making!), and he was very concerned. He didn't know about toning and when my mom would check on him he was asking, "what are they doing to her in there?"My mom reassured him that it was just my reactions to the contractions and I was helping to move the process along using a technique I had read about.

I believe the combination of the water and the toning worked because from waking at 4am to starting to push at 2pm, my entire labor and delivery lasted just under 12 hours. I'm told this is pretty good for a first baby and my goodness, I cannot imagine going longer. While I had planned a water birth and did spend a number of hours in the water, I actually  ended up giving a "land birth". After failing to successfully get into a good position to really bear down in the water, the midwife decided she wanted to move me onto the bed. In hindsight, I have no idea where I found the power to get out of the tub, walk to the bed and start to push again. But I did! With lots of help of course. I believe it was  about 3-4 pushes on the bed, lying on my rights side, and then I had my baby boy handed to me. Now THAT was a moment. I couldn't believe it was finally over. What a relief! What a joy! I was so overwhelmed and so glad to have the process over with but I was having trouble to just focus on the baby because of how I was feeling: still  in pain. The midwife and nurse did their thing cleaning me and the baby up, cleaning the bed and then getting Alexander to start feeding right away. This was special, he did a great job latching, but I quickly began to notice that my contractions hadn't stopped. Of course not, because there is the afterbirth. This definitely isn't nearly as intense as pushing out a baby, but it's still having to push again, which seemed like last thing in a million  years I wanted to do. But I did want it over. So we moved through that quite well. And again I thought, "phew it's over!". BUT...as I was nursing I again started to feel strong contractions. My mom was with me and checked on me and noticed a lot of blood. Rather than tell me about what she saw, she just said she would go and get the nurse. They came into the room and did this awful, terrible, no  good thing that I'm sure every woman gets where they press hard on your belly to get any blood clots out. OUCH. I was apologizing as I was swapping the midwife's hands away. It was a biological reaction to hit her but I logically felt bad. 😬 At the birth center, mamas usually go home about 4 hours after birth. The way that they gauge whether you're ready to leave is based on your ability to get up and take a shower. Well, when I tried to get up, I passed out. SO, it turns out I had lost quite a bit of blood via clots and needed an IV of fluids and hormones to both hydrate me and make my uterus contract and stop bleeding. I believe at this point I slept for about an hour while that baby slept in his daddy's arms. I think? I can't remember! (I'll need Costea's version after all!) When I woke up the nurse asked me if I was ready to try for that shower again. With some assistance, I successfully washed myself in what was definitely one of the best showers of my life. I felt so raw.

 I chose a natural birth because I had read that it was what was best for my baby and for my own recovery. And I made a deal with myself that so long as my health was cleared for birthing at the birth center, I would do it. BUT. There were definitely moments during labor where thoughts such as, "OK, if we want another child, we're adopting" and, "OK, I've done the natural thing, next time I can get an epidural" did pass through my mind. Childbirth is so...REAL. It's a journey like no other and yes, at the end we get our little miracle, our baby boy or girl.The entire journey from conception to pregnancy to birthing to recovery to caring for a newborn is seriously intense. Yes, it's beautiful in so many ways but it's also the most difficult thing I've ever done and I have a totally new level of respect for all moms! And for all dads and partners who are supportive of their queens! It was not too long ago in history that men were not really participatory in the pregnancy, birthing, or care process at all. Pretty much just the conception-ha! 😜

Now that my son is passed the newborn stage, we're finding a bit of a groove, a new way of living. And I can't remember life without him. Welcoming a new person into your family, into your life, is a major change. It requires an opening of the heart, no matter how this new person enters. And so I bow to my son for his role in opening my heart even wider. 💖

On Beauty

Onto the ninth technique, meaning that I have been here in Moldova for nine months-wow! Hard to imagine the day when I will be writing about the 27th technique (which is "Omnipresent Splendor" so good thing I have plenty of time to chew on that)! I decided to stop titling these Ascension posts as "Techniques" and am moving to simply using the technique as a topic and in doing so, relating that topic back to how it leads us straight to our highest Self.

Beauty

The word itself can conjure up a vast array of images.  Close your eyes and silently repeat the word.  What do you see?  Perhaps a woman with any number of appealing physical traits, a flower, beauty products like cosmetics and perfume, the goddesses Venus and Aphrodite, a beauty salon, a sunny beach, a mountain view...and the list goes on.  What each of these images or ideas has in common is that they ignite something within us that is either pleasing, painful, or both.

Beauty is actually very useful, as I discovered in pondering my own karma with the subject. I used to think it was shallow. "Beauty is only skin deep" is a saying many of us liken to when we have been hurt because something we thought was beautiful/nice/kind turned out to be quite the opposite. But here's the catch 22...everything is beautiful and everything has the potential to be painful.  That is the duality of the world we live in.  You want to look beautiful, so you feel sad if you don't.  You want to live in big beautiful home, but your small apartment makes you feel cramped and unsuccessful. Whatever your longing may be, it is the beauty that we imagine outside of us that lures us to that thing.  And henceforth, when we realize that the beauty we see around us is just a reflection of our inner beauty and that the ugly we see around us the same, we can embrace that all is both.  But beauty draws us, hopefully in the end, to truth/love/peace.

"A candle loses nothing of itself in lighting another candle" ~Thomas Jefferson

As I began to point to earlier, beauty can stir us some not-so-appealing emotions, usually in the form of envy or jealousy. To tackle this broad subject I once again turn to my sixteen-year-old self for a piece of writing that came about when in the abyss of a time of jealousy, high school:

-----How do we become lonely, surrounded by the constant beauty, that of the earth? No matter where we may find ourselves, there is beauty. There is beauty in life. All aspect of what gift we have been given as living on this earth, are beautiful.

Now there are factors that can mask the beauty that lies beneath. Hatred, jealousy, and most of all hurt and pain. The hardest thing of all is to rise above these emotions. To rise above all these things and to make special care to notice the light, the love, that surrounds our planet.-----

The Buddha said, “When we find the way, we find the beautiful here and now, and know what beauty really is.”  To me this says that when we find our way, when we “ascend”, we are no longer grasping for some elusive ideal outside of ourselves. When our heart is no longer grasping, beauty is all that is left.

In the end, beauty attracts us and so draws us to connect-with one another and with our world. Let kindness be your beauty secret!

Om tat sat.

Can't Help Falling in Love...

I do a lot of contemplating about desires, wants, satisfaction, peace of mind, happiness, and in the end...love. Because that is what it all boils down to in my book. I have spent most of my life either dreaming about "falling in love" or going through the process, only to oh-too-soon be moving through the painful process of having that "love" taken away, fall apart, or simply seem to vaporize.  


Earlier this week, as a legend in music's death hit the news, a friend sent me a link to the one song that Whitney Houston shared with the world that really hit us all over the head. In my dear friend's words, "I will remember her as bringing one of the most powerful, positive songs into the world. She was meant to sing this song. The words so beautifully describe falling in love with the Divine within- truly the greatest love of all." Of course she was referring to the song The Greatest Love of All. I remembered being a small girl in the back seat of my mom's station wagon listening to that song. I found the greatest, love of all, inside of me.


I decided to share some of those lyrics on my Facebook wall as way to commemorate the late singer, but also as a reminder to myself and others about self-love. It's a topic that seems to be gaining mainstream popularity with articles about people never finding love (and living to tell about it-haha) and TED Talks about what actually makes marriage work (and how 50% fail within a decade). As I read through Houston's song lyrics, I decided to post the following lines:


The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all


What our minds leap to most quickly on the topic of love, is more accurately, relationship.  Love, as will be explained a little further down, exists within everything. Or in other words, life IS love.  They cannot be separated. It is only our minds that make up a story about us either having or not-having love. And as a friend commented under my post on Facebook, "It's not so easy to achieve!" And she is right. Learning to love ourselves is difficult. We are so much better, so much more used to, and so much more "rewarded" for being self-critical. While no one wants to hear another bragging about how wonderful their life is, it seems to be completely normal to discuss how horrible, dreadful our jobs, bodies, families  are. Where did this come from? Why is it so bad to be appreciative of all we have? To be IN LOVE with our lives?


Today, on Valentine's Day, a day where we celebrate this "relationship love", I have been listening to the Ingrid Michaelson remake of Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Aside from that I really like the artist's voice, I went into the listening with an open mind and heart. Where would my mind take me as I let it wander? I knew going into push play, that I might start to have those thoughts that say, "Why doesn't anyone ever fall in love with me?" and, "I wonder if I am lovable?" But I also knew that I was embracing the fact that I am where am in my life and relationships by choice. And knowing that I have an open heart...could I rise above those thoughts? I will "brag" here that I did :) As I listened to the words, I can't help, falling in love with you, I realized that the one person that I wanted to love more than anyone, and the one "person" I wanted to love "me"...more than anything, was me. 


I can remember being a little girl, perhaps around 5 years old. I was a goofy little thing. All smiles, laughter and mischief. She was aware of the love that she was full of. And then life happened and she started listening more and more to what the world outside of her said. She took those things and reflected back to herself that she wasn't "good enough" in so many ways. Today, I remember being her, being wonderful, and I accept that I am still her. And I love her.


I will close this post with the reminders I have posted here twice before, about love. These are the lessons of love I learned from my yoga teacher, Swami Sitaramananda:  


LOVE is:

1) Different than attachment. Attachment always brings along its friend fear. If we think it's possible to lose something, then we are attached. Attachment can indeed turn in to love-but only once fear is removed. 
2) Pure and Selfless. Love is to give and not to get.
3) Different than desire. Desire is insatiable. It can never truly be fulfilled. Desire implies something you don't already have (quite different from love which is in us all-at all times) and that you must look externally for it. This search leads to suffering.
4) Infinite. It is never damaged and it never dries up. Love has no beginning and no end. It is our natural state. It is our birthright.
5) Creative. It has the power to redeem, renew, transform. Once we open to love, anything and everything is possible.
6) Present in all conditions. It is the greatest wealth, the greatest peace, and it's yours NOW and forever.


I LOVE YOU!   OM tat sat.

The Day of the Kittens

It has taken me a while to share this post.  It was written back in July, towards the end of my Pre-Service Training (PST).  It can be so hard to be so vulnerable.  But today, today I am ready.  I am OK to bare it all.  You see, for one reason or another, today I have decided that you love me.  In the past I might have instead thought that you may find me interesting but perhaps odd, perhaps wish I was a different way.  Or more likely, that you don't really like me.  But not today.  From now on you love me.  And regardless of all of that, whatever you do feel is your business, and none of mine.  But in my mind, yes, you love me as I love you.
-----

Monday was a strange one.  It never ceases to amaze me the way that the Universe delivers messages....

I decided to take a different route to school for my Russian lesson.  I left early so I would have time to check my email at a Wi-Fi spot near the town market and to look over my homework before class.  I like to be prepared.  But certainly we cannot be prepared for everything.

It was about 7:50AM and I spotted a small dog in the road.  I spoke to him in the baby voice I tend to take on when talking to animals, as if they just might understand me. At the least it must be some way to convey that I am there to love and nurture and not harm.  Well this little pup, though I thought was cool with me, decided to give me a little nip in the back of my leg after I had passed him.  What?  I whipped around, threw my hands in the air and said, “Ayyy!  Pachemu?”  (Russian transliteration for “why?”).  He just stood there looking at me, wagging his tail as if nothing had happened. 

A few steps ahead, I stumbled upon what I believe the Universe was “preparing me" for, a message my heart was ready to receive.  Since I had already had my run-in with dog #1, all dogs and small things moving were pronounced and calling my attention.  I quickly spotted another dog that seemed to be sniffing and pushing around with his nose a little bird of some sort.  But wait…if it was a bird it would fly away.  I picked up my pace.  It was no bird but a very small kitten.  And the events that unfold from here.

-----

I saw that the kitten was so small and figured it must have been born very recently.  I shooed away the dog and began to look around, perhaps hoping to spot the mother.  But something else had caught my attention-a sound.  It sounded like crying…it was coming from the dumpster.  Could there be more kittens in there?  I bent to look more closely at the small kitten and noticed she was very dirty.    I was a sort of afraid to touch her, what if she was sick?  Could I get sick?  But she was in the road and crying so I quickly swept her to the grass before heading to investigate the dumpster.  I followed the sound to find another small kitten on top of the trash heap.  This kitten was in much worse shape than the first.  I saw some blood in its neck.  This kitten was crying so loudly and trying so hard to move, “anywhere but here” it seemed to be calling.  I agreed.  You will die small being, anywhere but here.  I found a plastic bag in my lunch sack and used it to scoop up the kitten from the dumpster and transferred it to a shady spot in the grass under a tree down the road a couple of meters.  It didn’t cease the cry or to stop writhing.  With legs that seemed broken, this little creature, so new to the world and yet so close to leaving, had no balance.  The emotions which had been brimming like a cup about to overflow, came.  My cup runneth over.

The other kitten, who was moving with some health but whose tail shook with the trauma of her situation, moved to my side and there she stayed.  I cracked open a boiled egg from my lunch giving half to the healthy kitten and placing half with the dying kitten.  Both tried to eat but the dying kitten soon lost the energy to try and the healthy one seemed to choose being close to me over the immediate nourishment.  I began to cry.  “It’s OK little one, it’s OK to surrender.  It’s OK to go.  Just close your eyes and be at peace”, I told the dying kitten.  I began to pray, “Please God, take this small creature of yours into your hands and ease her suffering.  Please let her feel your love and help her to surrender to the peace that is to come.”  And the other kitten was climbing up my leg, desperate to have some protection, something to hold on to.  Together we went to my bag for water to wash the sick kitten of filth and blood.  How did this happen?  The sick kitten cried as I bathed her and slowly she began to inch towards the plastic bag with which I had carried her.  Her head resting inside the bag, and the healthy kitten curled upon my foot.  I sang a bhajan I had learned at the ashram:Mother Ma 

Mother Ma Mother Ma Mother Ma
Be with me, Be with me, Be with me, Be with me
Set me free, set me free, set me free
Mother set me free….

With one life passing, and another so fragile looking for some comfort and nourishment, somewhere to belong, I began to see the message.

-----

My parents moved from my childhood home on Sunday.  They walked out the doors of the home where they raised their three children, one last time.  They pulled out of the driveway where we played tennis and basketball, one last time. 

In the dying kitten, as one life was passing, I saw my old life, and parts of my ‘self’ that were indeed, passed on.  “Tell her it’s OK to let go…”  And in the healthy kitten, I can see parts of myself now: healthy enough and trying to make it.  Perhaps a little roughed up, a little naïve and scared, yet strong and capable. 
As I departed from my childhood home in June, from the country where I have lived for 29 years, from my friends and family, one life passed.  And as I prepare to swear in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in a strange land surrounded by new people and places, I will pray for nourishment and I will dole out all I have to offer.  Surrendering to the cycle of life. 

------

I could see the sick kitten's breathing becoming less labored-slower, calmer.  I picked up the healthy one, knowing I could not take her with me, that I had no more to offer her than this short time of love, and I laid her next to the sick one.  In my mind they stayed together until the one passed.  I quickly picked up my bag and walked to class.

-----

Sometimes the messages are harder to hear and sometimes they are loud and clear.  The key is to listen.  Can you hear?

I dedicate this post to the people of Moldova, whom I hope will take me in like the small kitten and whom I hope to nourish in return.

 Om tat sat.

10 Things to Make Besides Money

1. Time
2. Merry
3. Friends
4. Amends
5. Love
6. Sense
7. Room
8. Waves
9. Love
10. Believe

What else...?

XOm

Techniques 1-3, All is Love!


Welcome to the first "Techniques" post.  As I said in my last post, I would have to fit the first three (of the 27) techniques into one month since I have been in Moldova for almost three months now-crazy!  I really gave myself a challenge in writing this up so quickly but when I started to read the document in-depth, I found much of what was being said quite familiar!

 A few notes on how I am doing this:

• Explanations directly from the document, Ascension: The analysis of the Art of Acension as taught by the Ishayas,will be underlined and anything that is a direct quote with be in parenthesis.
• I will typically start with the explanation from the document and then either delve right into my interpretation, or take you along my thought process in my attempt to make sense of it! 

Technique #1: Praise
Praise corrects the fundamental stress of the modern world, that "something is wrong."  This root stress begins when we are very young and continues to happen again and again, always assuring us that in some way, we are "not enough".  Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough...enough, enough....something WRONG.  Sound familiar?  These are the very basic stories that we tell ourselves based on an observation we obtain from our external environment.  Except if they were truly just observation, they wouldn't be harmful.  It's that we turn these observations, "Johnny didn't sit next to me today" into judgements: "Johnny didn't sit next to me today, because I am not good enough for him."  You see how this works?  We therefore use praise- praise of ourselves, praise of those around us-to correct this terrible imbalance we place on ourselves.  Reminding ourselves and others of how truly wonderful we simply ARE.  I think you are wonderful.  In fact, you were perfect the day you were born, and when we converse, when we laugh, when I look into your eyes, I see all the beauty of the world.

"Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God." -Eckhart Tolle

Technique # 2:  Gratitude 
The attitude of gratitude is focused on the objective world, "designed to cure all erroneous beliefs and concepts" about the body and the external world.  Gratitude is the first step towards  mastery of the outer world, and therefore "invaluable for healing disease of all kinds."  That last part took me a while-gratitude healing all disease....but what I came up with is that when we live through gratitude, we further nurture this objective side of our reality, the pure observation.  If we battle the subjective judgements with praise, then we nurture WHAT IS with gratitude.  The sun rises...THANK YOU SUN.  The neighbor's dog barks...I AM SO GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO HEAR ALL THE SOUNDS OF THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE...and so on and so forth.  Yes, our bodies and even our thoughts (mostly them), our homes, our neighbors may not be exactly as we want, as we expected, as we desired.  BUT (always a but-huh?), once we are able to stop judging these things (via praise) and start to just feel gratitude for them, all negative thoughts and intentions slip away and we are left only in the glow of positivity and life-promoting thought.  This heals all indeed.

"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. " -Dalai Lama

 


Technique # 3: Love 
An attitude of love (and opposite of fear) is designed to "heal all misconceptions about our relationship" with the True Self/Spirit/Connection.  Love is something we absolutely cannot prove, but know we feel.  It's the sweetness of life.  It's pure connection with other people.  When I was in high school, I would doodle on my book covers incessantly.  And one little phrase that I would write on every single book?  "Life is love".  This came through clearly to me at a young age.  So much so that in fashion class, I made a jean skirt with the same slogan embroidered into the pocket.  I have always believed that the end all, be all of this experience, life, is to to experience truly unconditional love while in human form.  I say it this way because I believe we come from and return to a source of unconditional love.  And if we can acquire the wisdom to hold onto that feeling, to act out of a place of love rather than fear, we have accomplished our greatest goal.  Indeed we do experience moments of this, if we did not we would not want to continue to live.  That's how sweet love is.  It's what keeps us motivated to keep going day in and day out.  Even when we don't recognize what it is that motivates us, in the end it's either love or fear.  A lot of the world, a lot of the time, is operating out of fear, which is why we have so many issues that are basically due to greed (war, famine, starvation, poverty) which basically is born of fear, " I will take  yours too in case I do not have enough for me." 


"Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand." -Mother Theresa



Summary of first three techniques towards "Ascension"? (I will have another post around the meaning of Ascension soon!):  With these three attributes or attitudes, we are able to remove beliefs and judgements about the limited nature of the three primary divisions of life:


1.  The subjective (Judgement), Praise--->helps us to cease to judge
2.  The objective (Observation), Gratitude---> for what we observe
3.  The spiritual, Love--->the sweetness of life, the nectar.  What life is worth living for, what keeps us going.


-----



Life is love.  Om tat sat.

If you're really feeling the love, go to this link and turn up the volume on your computer :)

The Next Big Thing

I wrote this blog post first in my head last night while I was lying in bed, mind spinning, unable to sleep.  This is a common problem among people and I know for me it's usually the first sign that I am getting off-balance.  When I have had too many nights in a row of mind-racing, I know there are some big changes ahead.  The hardest part is that these changes are ones that I need to implement.  Sometimes we just need some guidelines, whatever they might be, to tack us along, to stoke the fire of motivation...

At the ashram, Swami Sita would tell the story of the mind being like a lake.  When it's still, we can see straight through to the bottom of the the clear waters, into the depths of what lies beneath.  We can also see the reflection of the trees, mountains, hills, plains, buildings...whatever is of our world, we see in a clear reflection.  And so once this lake is disturbed, with waves (thoughts), the water gets to be murky and the view of the world around us, distorted.  In other words, the more thoughts we have and the more excited our thoughts are, whether happy/sad/angry ect., the more we disturb the mind and induce the forgetting of "that which lies within" or, our purpose, and begin to distort our world, bringing on a need for judgement rather that pure observation.  It's the cycle.  We are all intimate with these fluctuations.  

And so it's time for me to get this lake of mine to calm down.  I canfind some empathy for myself.  I did just move halfway across the world two and a half months ago, and I am looking at 24 more months of living in this new place, without familiar faces of friends and family, not knowing what my work will look like and so on and so forth.  Last night was my first real "fight" with myself about this.  As tears welled up about all of the things I would miss in the lives of many of the people whom I love, I moved further from the sleep I desperately needed.

And with this blog, with you, the beautiful soul sharing  in these words, I want to retain a space where I can transmute some of this "excitement".  These pages are not only a journal, but a place for me to take those waves from my lake, or better to prevent the winds from ever reaching its shores.  And so that means I share truth, my truth, and this makes me quite vulnerable to you-doesn't it?  But I am going to be OK with that (over time).  I trust you and I love you.  We are all in this together.

And so, also with this blog, I hope to have a place of consistency and regularity.  After recieving my placement in Moldova with Peace Corps, I scanned the web for blogs of volunteers already in-country.  I noticed many blogs having large gaps-sometimes for months at a time.  "Hmmmm", I thought, "I wonder why?"  I had my suspicions of course.  People get complacent, tired, lazy, busy, bored...depressed.  And once I got here and spoke to the volunteers (many of whom did admit to not keeping up with their blogs), coupled with my own apathy to share what amounts to, at times, more hearthache and lonliness than sunshine and rainbows, my suspicions were confirmed.  Moldova is a tough place.  Though most of us have toilets and running water, there is a layer of mental stress here that can be more difficult to overcome than the hardships of physical infrastructure and economic constraint.  These "thought waves" that we are swimming in here are of a calliber that will take some strengthening of ones own mind to overcome.  I have heard numerous accounts of depression, especially in the dark and cold days of winter.  I anticipate that my own mind will take some downward turns.

And so last night, as I didn't sleep, I began to plan a way to ensure that I stay on top of myself mentally (and physically will be good too!) to ensure that at the very least I am posting on this blog once per month.  Yesterday, I came accross a free Ebook on a Twitter post.  It was called Ascension.   Being the new-agey type that I am, I have an interest in other's views of how our world is changing in the more sublte realms.  And this link came from a yogi I follow so I indugled.  I began to look over the document last night and found that it provides, "27 steps towards The Art of Ascension as taught by the Ishayas".  The who?  Their website states, "The Art of Ascension is a systematic mechanical process that directs the mind to the stable point of reference...the home or seat of consciousness itself....Ascension is simple and effortless.  It takes more energy to maintain our fear and illusions of life than it does to relax into the simplicity of the present moment."  Ok, it's yoga.  Just a different taste.  Yoga is like this...like ice cream, like religion, like shoes...there are all different kinds but ultimately the function is the same.  For yoga, the function is to still the mind. 

And so, no I am not subsrcibing to some new sect of anything, I am simply noticing the relevance of a 27-step philosophy towards this end and the fact that Peace Corps is a 27-month endeavor.  And so, the next big thing for me is to use one step as my theme for each month that I am here.  This guarantees I write AND points my mind and thoughts in some direction...ultimately towards my inner Self.  Now since I have already been in Moldova for almost three months, I will have to post about those first three steps before September . The first four of these "techniques" as they are referred to in the book, are what they call Root Stresses, with the first three being:

1.  Praise
2.  Gratitude
3.  Love

You will know when I am posting about one of the 27 techniques because I will call the post "Technique #  ____".  Some of these will certainly be a little "out there" as I look ahead at techniques titled "Lunar" and "Glory" but it is my challenge to myself to find a way to make it all tie in to my life, your life, and ultimately to some Universal truth towards human happiness and peace of mind.  We're all in this together...so happy to have you along for the ride (Praise!), for this is am so GRATEFUL.   I LOVE you!

XOm,
Julie

Eat, Sleep, Love: The 3 most important verbs I have learned in Russian



I was in charge of folding the napkins...eat your heart out Martha ;)

 



The masa spread







Birthday gal (my host sister) Diana with her Godparent's grandson, Lucas



During my first meal with my host family my host mother motioned with her hands, “Kuchite, Kuchite”, so I knew off the bat what it meant. I thought I would focus most of this post on the food I am enjoying here in Moldova thus far. Again, my first word was dill (ukrop) and first verb: EAT!

"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body." -Benjamin Franklin

Fun new foods. The foods that have made it into this post are sweet, of course. The first is chocolate flavored butter, or butter with cocoa and sugar. Spread on a piece of hleb (bread) with a cup of tea or cofee…heaven! The coffee situation is improving. Myself, an on and off coffee drinker, while learning Russian and adjusting to a new time zone, I have found that it is now indeed an “on” time for coffee. At first my, and all of my classmates families, were giving us instant coffee. This seems to be the norm here in Moldova. So we went with it. Considering Starbuck’s new move into instant coffees we knew this stuff existed. What we didn’t know, but soon became quite aware of, was that these instant coffees (particularly the green-labeled stuff that seemed to be served in every household AND at our Peace Corps hub days in Chisanau) didn’t have much, if any, caffeine. What were we going to do?!? WELL…talk about thought power, the very day our Russian teacher, Dasha, told us of this issue, I came home and as I washed my hands at the kitchen sink caught of glimpse of something very promising on the counter: a French press! Eureka! My host sister informed me that her mother had picked it up at the bizarre that very day. Sometimes you really do get just what you need.
 
On to the halva. A tradition food in many cultures, the halva here in Moldova is made of sunflower seeds.  Sunflowers are one of Moldova’s main crops. Moldovans proudly use sunflower oil in their cooking (a step up from Canola oil if you ask me), crunch on sunflower seeds, and have this ridiculously delicious sweet hunk of sunflower heaven halva. It seems to be just seeds ground with sugar and made into a thick, dry paste. Eating it alone reminds me of the inside of a Butterfinger…only with no artificial flavors or colors and the sweet nutty flavor of the seeds of sun. I asked Diana if they were cubing this stuff and dipping it in chocolate. She didn’t know and hadn’t ever seen it. I have now confirmed that if there is no one doing this we have a business plan to get working on (#2 next to the tea shop idea which I will discuss in another post). I am not sure where else you can get your hands on the stuff, besides Ukraine and Russia. Seems like a pretty good reason to visit Moldova to me…?


Yesterday was my host sister, Diana’s, 20th birthday. This meant preparing LOTS of food to share with guests. One of the most famous Moldovan dishes is plachenta (Pa-Russki is pronounced: plats-yenta) which is a thin, layered dough stuffed with savory or sweet fillings and baked.  It reminds me of a Dutch treat my grandmother makes with almond paste called bonket.  My host family seems to make it mostly with cabbage and dill or cheese and dill (maybe they are skipping the meat for me...) but for the party made it sweet with the halva and veeshnya (sour cherries-very good).

Cpot*.  Sleep.  So very important. My sleep has been tak cebye or so-so. Sometimes I have trouble to fall asleep because it is light here until about 10pm and then once the sun is down, the dogs throughout the neighborhoods seem to like to flex their barking skills. And then there are the dreams pa-Russki. My dreams filled with Russian words I am learning. I toss and turn, "Spasiba, Pajowlsta"….Sleep is when we are restored. Our cells and replaced, our organs detoxified. It is important and so I list it here. Eat, Sleep and….


Lubyet*.  Love. Of course. Do I really need to explain this one?


Om tat sat.

*Do note that these are transliterations and I do plan at some point to start using the cyrillic alphabet for my Russian words (also followed by transliteration of course!)




Platcentya with veeshnya & roll with halva

Old Letters, Kind Reminders

Attic attack.  Forced minimalism.  It's funny-I totally crave to be a "minimalist" but I find so many "things" so beautiful.  I don't own much at all, but even going through THAT stuff is proving taxing.  What to take with me, what to pack to keep for later, what to give to friends, what to donate, what to toss...and so on and so forth.  You know the drill.  (Though my drill is a bit a unique seeing as I will live from a suitcase or two for two years-yay!)

So not only am I going through this, my parents are too.  I am leaving in less than 3 weeks while they have 2 months until their big move (oh right did I mention they are moving out of my childhood home to Massachusetts?  Yes, there is quite a bit of untethering happening in our world) and my father is ravenous for the move and so there is daily purging, sorting, tossing around here. 

This morning he came to me with a folder full of papers he found on the floor in the attic off of my bedroom.  The first piece of paper was a handwritten letter by me...to the Universe I suppose.  It was written a week after I lost my brother in a car crash (late January of 2003) and my hope is that my raw and vulnerable state around death will bring some peace to you:

My Brother------>

Life is a small part of the journey of the spirit.

Our bodies are impermanent and earthly.  They coccon the butterfly inside-our soul.

That cold, icy night last week, God allowed Philip to be free of his cocoon and to join Him in the vast heaven.

Any one who has ever had a conversation with me of any depth knows I do believe all happens for the best, with "reason".

It sounds silly to think there could possibly be a reason for this...But I trust God.

My brother loved life, God made sure--

Have a beautiful Friday full of remembrance of how impermanent this life is.  Let go fo the past and have no fear for the future.  Enjoy now.

Love.

Alignment

When practicing yoga asana, they say that your alignment is of particular importance. Sure, we need to be breathing-through the nose-and perhaps reciting a mantra if more advanced, and certainly focusing. But if the alignment is off, then rather than a chakra-opening, muscle stretching, blood-circulating, mind-focusing posture, you may be creating injury.

And so it is with life.

When we are out of alignment with our purpose, our truth, we hurt ourselves and those around us. Simply put, we suffer.

I haven't written a blog post in a while because I haven't felt that anything I wanted to share was in proper alignment. You see, I have many varied interests. And seeing as we live in a society that seems to really love when we are all packaged-up and easy to pinpoint, I fall into the trap of feeling like there are certain "areas" I am "supposed" to cover. But is what I am sharing aligned with what I am experiencing?

I have never fit into a pretty package. I am rather a messy being. I am pretty sure that I have lost friends because of this. People get pretty uncomfortable with that which they cannot predict or understand.

"She is moving...again"...

"Why can't she just settle into a job, find a guy and STAY somewhere...have some babies"...

I can hear the thoughts. Sometimes they even manifest into words. But they don't sting. Not anymore. My strength is building.

My interests change with the moons. Not because I am desirous, or flaky. But because I need to keep learning. Am I dissatisfied? Sure. But I am not unhappy. There is more I want to experience, to discover, to uncover my hidden nature. I am learning to just move on.

And once I have learned something, I move on. Next!

A nutrition blog? MMM...too limited. Maybe focus on just yoga...JUST?! How about LIFE? How about humans?

When we, as humans, want to know something, we ask questions. And the universe brings us the answers. We stir shit up. We rock the boat. And so that is what this blog is about. That is what I am about. Asking questions, getting answers, sharing them. Period.

By settling in to the questions that occupy our minds, what stokes the fire of life within us...and then sitting with THAT and seeing where it takes us. This is alignment. Where do I feel this in my body? How is my heart rate? Is it fast because I am anxious, or because I am on to something?

My heart is beating...my stomach is tight...this needs to incubate.

My heart is beating...my throat is hot...this needs to be SHARED!

------------

My intention is to bring to this space, what I believe to be my aligned truths. When I notice, what fires me up, or as my friend Uma would say, what "turns me on", I query, incubate and share. God am I grateful to share. It's my greatest desire.

----------

As I shut the car door I glimpsed the children and they saw me. Running up the hill, them, running down the hill, me. We embraced and I kissed their cherubic faces. It had been a full year since I left the ashram and it felt so wonderful to be in the presence of some of the most beautiful souls I have encountered.

I made my way towards the office, excited at the prospect of which old friends I would meet. And then I saw it. Orange. The color of the Swami. Could it be? Could she, Swami Sita, be sitting right there in the office? My heart rate sped up. I felt like I was five years old going into kindergarten for the first time. What was it about her that makes me so nervous? Was I out of alignment? I can see where I still require strength.
---------

Food. Food was a topic that could be found upon my lips more often than not for many years. It has been one of my most prolonged topics of interest. But it's over. That's right-you heard me folks. I still have a LOT of information about it of course. If you ever need food advice, nutrition concerns, call me up, I am happy to share. But I know all I need to know. For now. I may come back to food and nutrition but right now I am all set.

My soul is satisfied. I have the answers I was looking for.

And what is that? That it's best to be vegetarian, and if you can, vegan. You see, we could argue until we are blue in the face for and against both meat and dairy. I could for sure. There are definite nutritional values in both. But that's not the point.

I have read enough literature about our global environmental situation. And THAT is not even my real interest. Sure, I am cool with saving the ecology of the planet. Yes, livestock use up a ridiculous amount of grain and water that COULD be going to humans starving throughout the globe. But that's not the point either.

The point is this: Cain and Abel. T-Rex and Brontosaurus. Throughout history there have been scientific, religious, philosophical texts and parables that all paint the meat eater as violent and the vegetarian as docile. THAT is the point my friends.

Ahimsa. Non-violence. And it's not even that I want to protect the cute bunnies and the resources from land, grain and water hungry cows. Nope.

And I will admit it right here. I like eating meat. It tastes good. THERE, I said it. But you know what I care about more than my cravings and taste buds? YOU. I care about your ability to be a human on this planet. To be here experiencing the wonders of the world: family, friends, sex, touch, sunlight, cool breezes, damp forest floors. Love.

We are here for a reason my friends. And the violent ways that began so long ago, we have the intelligence to turn around.

Alignment. Hari OM tat sat.

What is Love? (And What isn't Love)

In celebration of the day of pink and red and chocolates and L-O-V-E I am reposting one of my very first blog posts. The information in the post was inspired by a journal entry I had made while listening to a talk at the Yoga Farm. Swami Sita held an entire weekend course around the subject of love. I was living there at this time last year and I made pink vegan cupcakes. They were topped with a cashew cream frosting and made pink with fresh-squeezed beet juice. So good. I'll see what I can whip up today...

We all have an innate desire to feel loved all of the time, forever and ever...and this totally valid! (And possible!). I think it's the very basic desire the makes us tick, to get out of bed each morning. There is a knowledge deep within each of us that love is very real and that it is truly "all you need" and that it will make you happy forever and ever...and this is true! So why don't we all feel happy and loved all of the time? It is in our methonds of "finding love" (hint: it's within and all around us all of the time-we never need to look) that we fall short and instead find pain and suffering. It is in our ignorance that we find difficulty in seperating love and desire, love and attachment, love and lust...

So here is what to know about the best subject EVER:

LOVE is:

1. Different than attachment. Attachment always brings its friend fear because we think there is something to lose when we are attached. Attachment can indeed turn in to love-once the fear is removed. If there is fear, there is no true love. Period.
2. Pure and Selfless. Love is to give and not to get.
3. Different than desire. Desire is insatiable. It can never truly be fulfilled. Desire implies it is something you don't already have (quite different from love which is in us all) and that you must look externally for it. This search leads to suffering.
4. Infinite. It is never damaged and it never dries up. Love has no beginning and no end. It is our natural state. It is our birthright.
5. Creative. It has the power to redeem, renew, transform. Once we open to love, anything and everything is possible.
6. Present in all conditions. It is the greatest wealth, the greatest peace, and it's yours NOW and forever.

I love you. Om shanti.

On Being Transparent

Something of an epiphany came when someone spoke of our connection to God through each other recently. I heard this often at Sunday school growing up and every day at the ashram was reminded of the divinity of each human around (the bathroom signs read "Blessed Self please do not flush large objects down the toilet..."). But a new light has been shed on the subject for me. This is a common belief among many religious and spiritual circles. And I do believe it's true. Relationships are meant to expose us to the incredible amount of love and support that exists for us in this life. However...they don't always do that-do they?

No-instead we often end up with enemies that used to be friends, ex-lovers we used to swoon over, even family members we suffer through on holidays only. When and why did these "opportunities to experience God", become experiences with our deepest, darkest fears often marred with shame, regret and intense propensities for being the "right" one in a falling out?

As I revealed in my an earlier post, I took an internship in NYC recently in order to expose myself to some new information, experiences and growth. I am now coming to a close on week three. It's been hard, exciting, tiring, rewarding...all of the things that "work" is. And I am learning a LOT. It is a PR/Social Media Marketing role and something I keep coming across in my training and research is TRANSPARENCY. Like in this article I read today (thanks for posting Linda). The jist is that the more we present what is what in our ever-more real-time world of information and news, the less "clean-up" we have to do later, the more people trust our company's information, and the more likely they will be to become a "fan" and customer.

So now how does this link back to yoga and more specifically the yoga of relationships? It seems that the more we as people are transparent with our intentions, with who we truly are, then others will respond in an authentic way as well. There is no mess to clean up later because everything was clean from the get-go. When we give up looking good and being right all of the time, we end up looking vulnerable, sometimes ugly, but all together and entirely HUMAN. And guess what? People like this BETTER than the fake, "I'm always fine and good and happy don't really need you or anybody else" attitude we tend to take on when feeling that vulnerability. (Or conversely the "I'm a victim and will just DIE if you don't like me" attitude). In other words, when someone is being REAL, no matter how hard that is or how hard their truth may be to swallow, it's always going to be more attractive than inauthenticity. We will always line up to be in front of people who are themselves. Why? Because when we drop the ego and drop the games, what is left is our true Self. What is left is God. And guess what? We LOVE to be in the omnipresent, ultra-accepting love and warmth of God.

Open up, drop the BS, and let your true light shine. And then be prepared for the increasing number of people who want to be around you. They want to bathe in that light.

Om shanti. Om peace.

Mother's Wisdom

My mom took her first yoga class ever with me on Saturday. And by with me I mean that I was the teacher. She said she liked it a lot and that she thought I was an excellent teacher. It is a very cool experience to be able to share a talent, skill or accomplishment with those in your life that have made those very things possible for you. And while it was amazing for me to hear those things from my own mother, it was something else she said that morning that really showed me the deep wisdom that she has.

When I am driving to teach a class, I have a ritual of singing Kirtan on the way. This helps me to remember that everything I am doing in my life is practicing Yoga. And driving is one of them. You can practice Yoga while driving: go the speed limit. Let cars pass you. Sit on your sit bones ect. And breathe of course. Kirtan also helps to lift my spirits ensuring I arrive to class with a light heart. So I turned to my mom in the car and asked if she would mind if I sang some chants. She said of course.

I began with a chant about Ganesha, so obstacles could be removed (and because it's my favorite) and followed up with a Siva chant since it was Saturday (see last post) and it's a Siva day (Saturday=Saturn...and OK I am totally not an astrologer-still figuring that out). I began a chant I really like. "Hara Hara Mahadeva Shambo..." But then I came to a part in the song that goes really high. I did what I always do here and scrunched up my face, looked at my mom a little embarrassed and with eyes that said, "I don't think I can do this". And you know what she said, "Oh who cares Julie, just do it, you have to try. Just push through."

Om tat sat, Mom, Om tat sat.

Anthem Found

I am playing this song over and over and over and over...don't you just love when you find a song that speaks to you so loudly? I mean tears and realizations and laughter and that feeling of, "of course!" It's almost as though the song has been resounding inside of me my whole life and I am just remembering it now...does that ever happen to you?

Matthew Paul Miller, whose Hebrew name is Matisyahu, is an American Hasidic Jewish reggae musician. Now how's that for you? I LOVE IT! There are 3 different cultures intertwined and that is just so beautiful. I was doing a little research on him for this blog post and am freaking out a little bit because I tend to stumble upon the craziest 'coincidences' all of the time. In other words, synchronicity does not escape me and so I am aware of the many signs I am always receiving. If you ever wondered what it is like to have multiple epiphanies in a typical day, call me. It's a blessing I am sure but also demands many tears. I swear I have to stay extra hydrated to keep up with the flow. OK-so what were these synchronicities? Well, for one he was born in West Chester, PA a mere two years prior to my own arrival into the same town. And second, he has a younger sister named...you guessed it- Julie. Interesting!

Watch the video then download the song and blast it...let your heart SING..."ONE DAY"

-OM

Shanti Shanti Shanti

Peace Peace Peace

This Gives Me Goosebumps!

I love this kid! OMG! It so truly warms my heart and gives me so much hope as the generations coming up are totally understanding the craziness that is "frankenfood". This video brings together two things that I truly love: the sustainable agriculture movement and the TEDx conferences. When together there is a 'viral' ability to spread the good news that there are MANY people out there, young and old, that understand how many many many of the 'issues' we face in our world: climate change, fossil fuel reliance, the economy; are connected to the fact that we have too many over-chemicalized, under nutrient-rich foods circulating in our food chain. While many of the wealthier nations are stuffing themselves silly with these 'foods' that come in shiny wrappers, others are starving due to soils that cannot grow foods and unstable governments and environments that limit the ability to establish a sustainable growing system.

OK-as I step off my soapbox, I encourage you to WATCH THIS!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7Id9caYw-Y

Om Om

PS-I totally am aware of the possible 'brainwashing' people might see here. But Birke IS 11 and not 7 and that is totally a big difference. I choose to simply stick with the message :)