A Case for Chaos: A Day in My Life as a PCV

It's just a ride.  Swings at the park near my apartment.

As I sit to write this post, it is unlike most times when I do the same thing.  You see, I typically sit down to write when I feel moved to do so.  Something stirs in me.  An idea at first, and then I start connecting the dots.  And then I must share whatever revelation I feel I just made.  It's kind of chaotic.  And so today will be a little different.  I am sitting down with the intention to write, though I am not sure what quite about.  The reason is twofold.  One, this post will appear on 365 Days of Peace and Friendship, a website created by Peace Corps Volunteers (PCV) here in Moldova celebrating Peace Corps' 50 years of service.  I signed up to post on this particular date.  And second, a friend from home, a beautiful fellow yogini, requested that I write about my day-to-day life as a PCV.  And so rather than first having a chaotic mind lead me to some revelation that I share, today I have an assignment, which is making me have a chaotic mind!  Isn't life just one paradox after another?

As I try to come up with a daily schedule to share, I stumble upon the fact that no day is quite like the other.  The typical day two months ago was quite drastically different than a typical day this month.  And then there is my "ideal" typical day versus my "did I just waste the whole day" typical day.  So which do I share?  Of course part of me wants to share with you the ideal day.  The day where I do exactly what I know is best for my well-being and henceforth for the well-being of my community and service.  But then the honest part of me, the authentic Julie won't allow for that.  So here I have put together each.  

IDEAL TYPICAL DAY:

6AM:  Wake up, rinse face, meditate.

7AM:  Yoga asanas

8AM:  Shower

9AM:  Breakfast, read news, write

10AM:  To the office where I work on strategic plan for my organization, work on the project I am writing, meet new community members and speak only in Russian to them, eat a healthy lunch, do some yoga stretches to help loosen up those office-bent shoulders.

5PM:  Home

6PM:  Eat a nutritious/delicious dinner alone, with my host family or with my site-mate Laela

8PM:  Read/write/study Russian

9:30PM: Meditate

10PM:  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

REALISTIC TYPICAL DAY:

6AM:  Start to hear noises in my apartment building.  Too dark outside, still tired, put pillow over my head, turn over and go back to sleep.

7:45 AM:  Alarm clock I set to ensure I don't get up irresponsibly late goes off.  I hit snooze.

7:55AM:  Alarm goes off again.  I get up.  Shuffle to the kitchen and start hot water for tea.  Meanwhile lay down in the hall to stretch and do a few sun salutations.  Hear the teapot, steep my tea, take my vitamins. 

8:30 AM:  Take shower.

9AM:  Eat breakfast, turn on computer.  Get absorbed in stories on Facebook, get bored, go to Twitter, get absorbed in stories there.

10AM:  Oh my gosh, it's already 10AM?!  Get dressed, dry hair ect.  Did I do push-ups?  I should do a few before I get dressed.  

10:45AM:  Clean up the kitchen in a rush and collect my bags, coat, shoes, gloves, hat by the door.  Forget laptop converter in wall.

11AM:  To the office where I realize I forgot my laptop plug.  Back home to get it.  Ask questions all day that sometimes get answered.  Everyone is too busy to sit with me and discuss ideas.  Keep working on things even though I am not sure if it is priority.  Ask again, priorities shift.  New projects pop up I know nothing about.  Everyone speaks to me in English.  New people come in and no one introduces me.  I eat bread, mayonnaise salads and cookies with my colleagues during our tea/lunch breaks.  My eyes hurt from being on the computer too long.  I shift between writing my project, trying to help my colleagues with emails and papers in English, figuring out how to get to Bucharest from my city, trying to speak in Russian, checking the ubiquitously distractive Facebook.

6PM:  Go home and eat whatever is easy.  This usually amounts to the carrot salad I obsessively buy at the grocery store, some Danish cheese, whatever other veggies I have around and maybe some nuts.

7PM:  Check email as now my friends and family back in the states are up and writing.  Get absorbed in that.

10PM:  What, it's already 10?!  Where did that day go?  Try to fall asleep, hear every sound in the entire building, have difficulty to find a comfortable position for my head on the pillow and eventually...zzzzzzzz.

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Surely you can see the discrepancies between my ideal and realistic "typical day".  Neither one is exactly how my days actually go.  Within all of this includes interactions with my host family, dinners with friends, visits to other organizations, trips to the capital, yoga classes, belly-dancing when I am motivated and more.  But you get the point.  There are ways, within my own control, that I can improve my life simply by bringing my reality up to my ideal.  It takes a bit of self-control; to get up and meditate, to eat right, to be our own best advocate.  I am keenly aware that I will be of my best service when I am serving myself best.  

A few months ago I read a wonderful piece in Whole Living Magazine.  The premise of the article, which I highly encourage you to read, is that the chaos in our lives is what catalyzes positive change.  It is in times of confusion and "figuring out" that we are inspired to come up with solutions.  It is when we aren't quite sure what to do, that we research, we learn and therefore gain further clarity and have something to teach others. In the article, psychotherapist and author Mel Schwartz states that, "Confusion is the cusp of creativity." 

And so I know, after writing this "chaotic" article, I have gained the clarity to know exactly what I hope this new year will look like for me: more like my ideal day.  It's not really so far off.  I can reach it quite easily in fact.  I can make myself get up and meditate.  I can study more Russian and I can control what I put in my mouth.   But I can't control how people will react to me- at work, in relationships, in my community.  I cannot control whether my project will be funded.  I cannot control a lot.  And being OK with that, I gain everything.  As Ms. Schwarts also stated in the article, "The paradox is that when we're comfortable with not being in control, the chaos loses its grip".

My life as a PCV is just like your life wherever you are, a paradox constantly in flux between chaos and peace.  And I love it all!

Not quite sure where I am headed, but on my way indeed.

What NOT to Buy this Holiday Season: A Mindful Guide to Gifting

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched... but are felt in the heart.

Helen Keller

1.  A bunch of crap poorly made and cheaply priced, just so you have something to hand to someone.  Sorry, but our landfills, air quality, cheap (abused) labor force, and henceforth humankind's ability to remain on Earth, cannot afford it.  Don't believe me?  Watch The Story of Stuff, they can explain it much better!

2.  A bunch of really expensive crap (for example clothing from over-priced retailers making a killing on our desire to be perceived as someone "special enough" to wear their labels), that falls into the same category as above while also playing on your ego's sensitivity.  Double uh-oh!  The truth is you and your loved ones are much too fabulous to be prancing around sporting such non-original stuff that fills the pockets of few.

3.  A gift just to buy a gift.  Think about the person receiving your thoughts-because honestly that is what will touch their heart most dearly.  Your physical gift begins with a thought.  And since thoughts have power,  your thought of the person should be reflected in a gift.  So you despise your boss; this doesn't mean a gift card to Big Box Generic Crap Store will do. It's your boss you don't like, not the whole planet!  Have some compassion for this person and think about what they truly love, what lights them up.  Perhaps he/she plays golf, (you know just to be really stereotypical).  Is there a specialty golf shop around?  Say, owned by a member of your community?  Even better.  Go there, spend your money in your community and get a unique item that says, "I understand what you value, while also valuing our community and the planet."  Triple awesomeness!

So now that I think I have painted a picture about what NOT to give, let's take a look at some awesome gift ideas!

1.  Make a donation to a cause the person is passionate about.  Many organizations will offer some sort of holiday perk with these donations.  Or you can match up your donation with something small to put under the tree.  Aunt Sally is passionate about Womens' Rights?  Donate to Women for Women International and head to a local woman-owned shop and support her business with a small and thoughtful purchase.  Be sure to share with her your gift idea, you never know, the power of suggestion is strong and she just might spread the word!  And if you aren't sure where a person's passions lie, you can always give a gift certificate so they can pick the charity of thier choice. Go to Just Give where you can purchase a gift certificate for any amount.

2.  Purchase an item from a social enterprise, such as Toms Shoes or Roma Boots.  These companies will both donate a pair of footwear to a child in need, with each pair that you purchase.  There was recently a Roma Boot drop here in Moldova, coordinated by a  group of Peace Corps Volunteers.  I got to see many pictures of just how touched these children and their families were to receive the gift of warm, dry feet. 

3.  Visit a shop that specializes in "commerce with a conscience" such as 10,000 Villages.  What does this mean?  From their website:  "They market products from handicraft and agricultural organizations based in low-income countries, providing consumers with products that have been fairly purchased from sustainable sources."  Explain this fact to the gift recipient or include a card about the shop so that they can further appreciate the concept.  10,000 Villages has retail stores as well as alliance stores throughout the U.S. and Canada as well as their beautiful online shop.

4.  Make a trip to your local flea market/farmers market/artist co-op.  You get the idea.  Buy something beautiful and unique that jives perfectly with your loved one's style while also supporting the arts in your community.  Whether it is baked goods, jewelry, paintings, knits, bamboo cutting boards or fun vintage items, you are sure to find something that perfectly suits your need to express that  you understand your loved one's style and listen to what they value.  Can't find something you like there?  Browse the online version, Etsy, where you will be sure to find something fabulous.  Just make sure you have time for shipping!  (There is still time now!)

5.  Make it yourself!  Are you crafty?  No need to purchase product if you already know how to make them yourself!  Save money by putting your own talents to use.  You not only pass on a gift, but a piece of your self.  This is ultimate generosity.

And remember, there is no gift more impressive, than one that respects the receiver, the giver, and the community surrounding both.  Give from your heart and you will know exactly how to light up your loved ones! 

Happy Gifting!!!  XOm.

Technique 6: Lunar

This part was written during my recent trip to Greece:


In the background I can hear an accordian, as someone, most likely a child, walks up and down the streets of Athens begging for money.  Next door I hear the voices of men in their work day chatter as they together build what will be a stack of condos, ushering new neighbors into my friend Shiva-Shakti's life.  Noticing, noticing.  


In my own mind, I can hear the chatter around not doing my November Acension post, the Lunar one.  Life picked me up and carried me around for a bit, unsettled so as to write my thoughts on such a vast subject.  But today, in my friend's house in the ancient city of Athens, freshly returned from a magical trip to the island named after the ancient Greek word for water, Ύδρα (Hydra), I turn my attention first inward to find the truth of water and the moon, and then outward, to share that with you.


So what do we know about the Moon?  Well, she is like a mirror.  She reflects to us the light recieved from the sun.    She gives and takes, but does not create.  She moves in cycles.  So, what is the knowledge here?  What might we digest of this that allows wisdom to grow in each of us?  I read the passage from the Ishaya's Ascension document:


The Lunar Attitude develops the intuitive power of the sixth chakra, Ajna, the “Third Eye.” Patanjali describes the result of mastery of the Lunar Technique as complete knowledge of the firmament. Another result of this Attitude is the development of Soma, the glue of the Universe that is responsible for the celestial perception of the second stage of enlightenment, Exalted Consciousness. The Moon is called the “Vat of Soma” in the ancient literature, because the focus on the Moon naturally produces this molecule in the body. Mastery of the Lunar connection opens the aspirant to the worlds of the virtuous, to the Heaven of the Forefathers, to the Path of the Gods.


And once again...I wasn't able to "finish" and so now I add even later from my bed in Balti:


I try to make some sense of the above: "complete knowledge of the firmament" seems to speak to a state of knowledge of all that is so vast that the un-attuned mind cannot comprehend.  And Soma seems to be the stuff that binds all together...echhh...who am I kidding?  This is hurting my brain to try to extract some meaning from that...and so...I will just say what I think of the moon!  I do love that orb in the sky!  Last night we had her full and a 2nd lunar eclipse following the one back in June.  


When I think moon, I think surrender.  I accept this light, I shine it.    That we should strive to develop more peace, faith, receptivity, openness and surrender-like the moon.  And for those who sort of hate the idea of surrender, because it sounds something like "losing" or giving up?  Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom.  


And when I think of surrender, I think of water.  The flow.  I recently read a beautiful description of water, flow, and surrender by Osho.  And so I will finally finish this blog post with his words of knowledge, imparting more wisdom into each of our souls:
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When I say 'become like water' I mean become flow...Move, and move like water.  


Lao Tzu says: The way of the Tao is a watercourse way.  It moves like water.  What is the movement of water?  One, it always moves towards depth, it always searches for the lowest ground.  


It is non-ambitious; it never hankers to be the first, it wants to be the last.  Remember Jesus says: Those who are the last here will be the first in my kingdom of God.  He is talking about the watercourse way of Tao.  Be the last, be non-ambitious.  Ambition means going uphill.  Water goes down, it searches for lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity.  It does not want to declare itself unique, exceptional, extraordinary.  It has no ego idea.
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And here the moon is like water, having no ego.  The moon doesn't shine bright like the sun, producing it's own worth.  And yet in this non-ambition, the moon still functions fully for its exact purpose.  It still provides light and remains steadfast.  All without trying.  The moon reminds us, to let go more.

Om tat sat.

The Day of the Kittens

It has taken me a while to share this post.  It was written back in July, towards the end of my Pre-Service Training (PST).  It can be so hard to be so vulnerable.  But today, today I am ready.  I am OK to bare it all.  You see, for one reason or another, today I have decided that you love me.  In the past I might have instead thought that you may find me interesting but perhaps odd, perhaps wish I was a different way.  Or more likely, that you don't really like me.  But not today.  From now on you love me.  And regardless of all of that, whatever you do feel is your business, and none of mine.  But in my mind, yes, you love me as I love you.
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Monday was a strange one.  It never ceases to amaze me the way that the Universe delivers messages....

I decided to take a different route to school for my Russian lesson.  I left early so I would have time to check my email at a Wi-Fi spot near the town market and to look over my homework before class.  I like to be prepared.  But certainly we cannot be prepared for everything.

It was about 7:50AM and I spotted a small dog in the road.  I spoke to him in the baby voice I tend to take on when talking to animals, as if they just might understand me. At the least it must be some way to convey that I am there to love and nurture and not harm.  Well this little pup, though I thought was cool with me, decided to give me a little nip in the back of my leg after I had passed him.  What?  I whipped around, threw my hands in the air and said, “Ayyy!  Pachemu?”  (Russian transliteration for “why?”).  He just stood there looking at me, wagging his tail as if nothing had happened. 

A few steps ahead, I stumbled upon what I believe the Universe was “preparing me" for, a message my heart was ready to receive.  Since I had already had my run-in with dog #1, all dogs and small things moving were pronounced and calling my attention.  I quickly spotted another dog that seemed to be sniffing and pushing around with his nose a little bird of some sort.  But wait…if it was a bird it would fly away.  I picked up my pace.  It was no bird but a very small kitten.  And the events that unfold from here.

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I saw that the kitten was so small and figured it must have been born very recently.  I shooed away the dog and began to look around, perhaps hoping to spot the mother.  But something else had caught my attention-a sound.  It sounded like crying…it was coming from the dumpster.  Could there be more kittens in there?  I bent to look more closely at the small kitten and noticed she was very dirty.    I was a sort of afraid to touch her, what if she was sick?  Could I get sick?  But she was in the road and crying so I quickly swept her to the grass before heading to investigate the dumpster.  I followed the sound to find another small kitten on top of the trash heap.  This kitten was in much worse shape than the first.  I saw some blood in its neck.  This kitten was crying so loudly and trying so hard to move, “anywhere but here” it seemed to be calling.  I agreed.  You will die small being, anywhere but here.  I found a plastic bag in my lunch sack and used it to scoop up the kitten from the dumpster and transferred it to a shady spot in the grass under a tree down the road a couple of meters.  It didn’t cease the cry or to stop writhing.  With legs that seemed broken, this little creature, so new to the world and yet so close to leaving, had no balance.  The emotions which had been brimming like a cup about to overflow, came.  My cup runneth over.

The other kitten, who was moving with some health but whose tail shook with the trauma of her situation, moved to my side and there she stayed.  I cracked open a boiled egg from my lunch giving half to the healthy kitten and placing half with the dying kitten.  Both tried to eat but the dying kitten soon lost the energy to try and the healthy one seemed to choose being close to me over the immediate nourishment.  I began to cry.  “It’s OK little one, it’s OK to surrender.  It’s OK to go.  Just close your eyes and be at peace”, I told the dying kitten.  I began to pray, “Please God, take this small creature of yours into your hands and ease her suffering.  Please let her feel your love and help her to surrender to the peace that is to come.”  And the other kitten was climbing up my leg, desperate to have some protection, something to hold on to.  Together we went to my bag for water to wash the sick kitten of filth and blood.  How did this happen?  The sick kitten cried as I bathed her and slowly she began to inch towards the plastic bag with which I had carried her.  Her head resting inside the bag, and the healthy kitten curled upon my foot.  I sang a bhajan I had learned at the ashram:Mother Ma 

Mother Ma Mother Ma Mother Ma
Be with me, Be with me, Be with me, Be with me
Set me free, set me free, set me free
Mother set me free….

With one life passing, and another so fragile looking for some comfort and nourishment, somewhere to belong, I began to see the message.

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My parents moved from my childhood home on Sunday.  They walked out the doors of the home where they raised their three children, one last time.  They pulled out of the driveway where we played tennis and basketball, one last time. 

In the dying kitten, as one life was passing, I saw my old life, and parts of my ‘self’ that were indeed, passed on.  “Tell her it’s OK to let go…”  And in the healthy kitten, I can see parts of myself now: healthy enough and trying to make it.  Perhaps a little roughed up, a little naïve and scared, yet strong and capable. 
As I departed from my childhood home in June, from the country where I have lived for 29 years, from my friends and family, one life passed.  And as I prepare to swear in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in a strange land surrounded by new people and places, I will pray for nourishment and I will dole out all I have to offer.  Surrendering to the cycle of life. 

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I could see the sick kitten's breathing becoming less labored-slower, calmer.  I picked up the healthy one, knowing I could not take her with me, that I had no more to offer her than this short time of love, and I laid her next to the sick one.  In my mind they stayed together until the one passed.  I quickly picked up my bag and walked to class.

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Sometimes the messages are harder to hear and sometimes they are loud and clear.  The key is to listen.  Can you hear?

I dedicate this post to the people of Moldova, whom I hope will take me in like the small kitten and whom I hope to nourish in return.

 Om tat sat.

All in This Together?

I went out this morning to buy a new hair-dryer.  The first one I bought (used from a leaving volunteer) had melted from the inside out during my recent gig as a counselor at as a girl's empowerment camp. We were a lot of girls and we needed dry hair!  The campground where we stayed was built for summer use and so our autumn descent on the premises created some challenges-mostly towards being warm enough.  And so the hair dryers were necessary for anyone planning to shower.  Overuse and age in combination with the inexplicably strong electrical current that seems to spew from some outlets here in Moldova, was simply too much for my little machine. 

I didn't bring a hair-dryer to Peace Corps for two reasons.  Number one was the electrical current and adapter issue and number two I was hoping to "not need" this modern day tool for "beauty"-you know, in my village/hut/milking cows life.  And since I now DO need one, I had to shop.  The store where I decided to purchase my glorious heat machine was across the street from the Balti Primaria (mayor's office and where the city officials work).  There was a large gathering outside of the building, at least 100 people, and a man standing on a box speaking into a megaphone in Russian something about utilities, payments, and otherwise I am not sure.  I'm pretty sure these were my other sitemate Ross's neighbors.

Ross lives in an apartment building as do Laela and I.  However, unlike us, Ross's heat hasn't been turned on yet.  He is quite literally freezing in his apartment.  He got a space heater for the meantime but what was frustrating him more than the cold is the reason why the heat had not been turned on and further, that he couldn't find out the real reason.  Finally last night, his landlord who lives in a village outside of the city, came to investigate and told Ross there would be a gathering the following day at the mayor's office to get some answers.
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Moldova is a former Soviet Republic.  A lot of the infrastructure here was built during that time.  The current Republic is the poorest country in all of Europe and there hasn't been much work done to improve this dinosaur of a system.  Let's look at how this problem is affecting Ross and his neighbors:  the apartment buildings we all live in are known as "Soviet Bloc Apartments".  Unlike in the States or other countries with more recent development, these apartments are linked to one main heating system.  This means that no one apartment has any control over their own heat.  There is a governing body (who I have no idea) who decides when to turn on the heat (after so many days of the temperature being below so many degrees-the actual I again have not a clue and can't seem to find one answer), how high it should be, and when it will be turned off.  The tenant simply receives the bill.  Now we can see where the obvious problems with this system are.  Let's look at some of the issues that come to mind:

Conditioning
Number one, this is no longer a communist nation yet this system of controlling utilities is completely communist with a big ugly twist; you have to pay for it.  So imagine now you have a babushka (grandmother) living in the same apartment since she was a teenager (fifty years ago).  For the large majority of her life she never paid these bills because it was "taken care of" by the government.  Times change and now she is responsible for this bill.  Does she pay it?  Does that register with her after a lifetime of a different way of acting...of thinking.  Because even if she doesn't pay, the heat stays on.

Opportunists
Does the single mother whose husband is in another country driving a truck or building infrastructure for richer nations even have the money to cover this bill? If she does, if her husband is sending back what amounts to a lot of money in Moldova, does she?  Because even if she doesn't, the heat stays on.

Fatalists
Similar to the issue of conditioning, a predominant thought in Russia has long been fatalist.  Whether this way of thinking came to Moldova with the communist regime or if it just became stronger I am not sure (but wanting and willing to look into), but if one has the thought that it doesn't matter what they do, they cannot effect the whole, will they take responsibility for their own lives let alone for the lives of others? Because even if they don't, the heat stays on.

Poverty
Unlike in the US or other more developed nations, there are people living on very little right next door to someone who is doing quite well.  Their apartments have been passed down through generations and since this whole architecture was put together at a time where everyone was "equal", there were no class divisions.  No rich people/poor people buildings.  It was ALL government housing.  And so now, after twenty years of free markets, you literally have some people in the building who can and do pay their heating bills and some who simply cannot.  The money is just not there. So then who pays?

What Ross thinks happened in his building was that there were far too many people with passed-due heat debts.  And so it wasn't turned on.  Perhaps it is a way to communicate to the people in his building that they HAD to pay their bills, no more letting it slip.  No more handouts.  Is this tough love?  Perhaps for some, but torture for others.  What about those with no debt like Ross?  How fair is that for him?  And so the cyclical questioning of "where do old ways hamper us and how can we possibly afford to get out of them?" occurs.  How can these people come together to ensure everyone is paying for their heat?  Should they even have to do this?  It's like involuntarily living in a commune. 
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There is a lot of foreign money coming into a place like Moldova.  This is in the forms of foreign aid and remittances from citizens working overseas.  Wouldn't it make sense to combine these investments into helping people to physically live in a way that doesn't continuously remind them of their communist past, that doesn't encourage the kind of thinking that takes away personal responsibility?

Two ideas at a more micro level:

1).  Renovating the current systems to give individual control over one's heat.   This involves a lot of material and workforce investment and would also create a lot of jobs. OR

2).  Assisting to develop communities within these buildings where the citizens work together to solve the issues of debt and do what needs doing to ensure each person can take care of their bills and if not form some sort of loan/assistance/social program. 

And from the WAY "macrocosmic" view I cannot help but see, it's truly an issue of the individual vs. the whole.  Are we all in this together?  Though I haven't fully developed the idea yet, here is another concept I am researching:

Is it better if people:

• Do what is best for one's self in order to contribute positively to the greater good? For example taking good care of your health and home so that you have energy to contribute to the whole.

or

• Do what is best for the greater good in order to positively contribute to your own life?  For example helping to create better public policy, being an honest public servant, creating businesses that respect the earth and its people.

What do you think works best?  I see that it's a balance of each.  But are we living in different imbalances in different cultures as a whole?

XOm

Pterodactyls on the Road to Home

Laela and me in Balti

My sitemate Laela (meaning she is also a Peace Corps Volunteer living and working in Balti) recently invited me to join her for some activities at a center she works with called Drumul Spre Casa (DSC). In Romanian this translates to “the road to home.”  DSC is a temporary placement shelter for youth from at-risk family situations.  This includes such situations as single-parents without the means to support their children, drug or alcohol addicted parents, or absence of parents due to leaving the country to work abroad without taking their children.  Laela arranges one activity per week at the center and last week she invited me to lead a yoga class.  Walking into a new place to teach, no matter the subject, one never knows quite what to expect.  However I do know I will likely be the one to learn something.

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I had met Luda during a previous visit to the center.  She had seemingly flown out the front doors and leapt into Laela’s arms with a loud HELLO!  She had the energy of a fairy and her short pixie hair, sharp light blue eyes, freckles and slightly upturned nose, gave her the look of a sprite.  I loved her!  I joked with her in Russian about Laela’s blue nail polish hiding underneath her purple gloves.  “Surprise!” we giggled.  Yes, Luda is a spitfire. 

When we arrived  for the yoga class, we entered a scene of girls from the local university leading the children in a costume game.  They had all made head-dresses and were singing songs in Russian about friendship and home and then dancing around like “Indians” (yes-Native American is more PC I know).  Hmmm, I thought, this will be an interesting act to follow.  I sat down and watched as the activity wound down.  The college students handed out some treats and the children began to disperse.  The energy was still very high, very rowdy and here came hopping along, Luda.    She took my hand, opened it up and placed a raisin in it.  She was sharing her treat with me!  I was immediately hit with how incredibly generous this was.  Here was a little girl who couldn’t live at her home because her family was either too poor, had left the country or had other issues of abuse or violence, giving ME her treat.  And not only did she give me a raisin, she gave me the little plastic dinosaur toy they had given her too.  It was a blue Pterodactyl. 

I didn’t leave that day with the blue Pterodactyl, in fact I left with a pink one.  A little boy had seen me holding the blue one.  His was pink.  Without exchange of words, our eyes met, we nodded, and we switched.  Using the language beyond words. This entire exchange and relationship is common for a Peace Corps Volunteer-to experience this generosity and selflessness of a people who seemingly have so much “less” than us.

-----

 I tend to see my life symoblicly, seeing meaning in things others may pass over.   I won’t go into whether this a “right” or “wrong” way of thinking.  I do understand that life is just happening, and that I am the one adding meaning to it. However, I have always loved legends, prophecies, symbols, signs, omens, superstitions.  That’s the way I am and that’s OK. I like meaning.  So when Luda first handed me the dinosaur toy and I told her it was a Pterodactyl, my mind leapt to a reoccurring dream I have about…you guessed it…Pterodactyls… swooping  over me.  It is always an intense dream with me having thoughts of first incredible fear followed by reasoning that this cannot be happening as these animals are long extinct, followed by me realizing I must be someplace really crazy, or that I must be dreaming.  And so at this point I gain the ability to begin to lucid dream-to take control of my experience.  But I always wake up before I can begin...

Luda’s generosity was in turn also a gift in that it encouraged me to finally decipher what it was my soul, my inner knowing, was trying to teach me in my dream state.

I looked up what it can mean to dream about dinosaurs.  Not surprisingly I got this:

”To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. You may need to discard your old ways of thinking and habits. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you”

For me this signifies the outdated ideas I carry about who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, how I should look ect.- based on what others around me say.  It’s a mistake-I know.  It’s our families, our friends, our coworkers, the media…all sources outside of us, and our relationship to them, shaping how we in turn shape our lives, our perspectives.  When I get caught up in the “should” way of thinking, in swoops the Pterodactyl to remind me to rid of that thinking.  Just like the emotions of my dream, these thoughts come out of: first fear (of not being accepted, of not belonging) and then are hit with my reasoning, usually convincing me of why these outside sources must be right, and then the eventual realization that…it’s all an illusion.  The truth is I am in a pretty crazy place here on Earth. But also, I am free to control how I see it, how I perceive…I am in control of me.  And so, I am on the road home.

Om tat sat. 
XOm

10 Things to Make Besides Money

1. Time
2. Merry
3. Friends
4. Amends
5. Love
6. Sense
7. Room
8. Waves
9. Love
10. Believe

What else...?

XOm

Technique 5: Solar (or 5 Perspectives on Free Will & Desire)

In developing my approach to the Solar technique, I found myself immersed in a LOT of information. The explanation from the Ascension manual was a bit out there even for me, leaving me with a wide angle:

The result of the Solar Ascension Attitude is to begin to awaken the highest function of human consciousness. Mastery of the Solar Technique gives complete knowledge of each of these severally and individually. It is also a powerful tool for the development of the highest degree of human enlightenment, Unity Consciousness. Mastery of the Solar connection opens one to the Causal Worlds; upon death, this is where one goes. This is called the Path of the Sages.

I had expected something more along the lines of what I understand of SOLAR: the will, power, vitality, masculine, yang, the basic drive for significance, psychic and physical energy, stamina, rulers and authority figures, individuality.

And so I have attempted to reconcile what I extracted from the document with my own research, analysis and experience around the Solar force in our lives.  (And using my own SOLAR power-my will to do such!) Specifically, I want to focus on one's will.

In Hatha yoga, the "Ha" stands for Sun and the "Tha" for Moon. You can also say it stands for Yin/Ying, Masculine/Feminine, Force/Surrender, Right/Left. It is all the same idea of a balance between two opposing forces.   I was particularly intrigued by this topic after a recent conversation with a friend where I told him that I was still waiting to hear back from a group I wanted to work with. It went something like this:

friend: you know whatever happens is what needed to happen

me: exactly

friend: wait, wtf, i don't believe in that sentence

me: oh shut up

friend: seriously i don't- you know that right?

me: so what's your take? not that we are exactly where we need to be? of course we have free will and we can always change it up. it's the fine balance between surrender/acceptance and force/will...so I believe in both I suppose

friend: i'll tell you what-i believe you shape your world, don't wait for an answer, make it happen instead

me: like I said, I think it's a balance between shaping and surrender and the wisdom comes in when to do which

friend: i'm more of the 2nd part, pushing your future into your hands

me: lol-so what happens when you don't get what you pushed for?

friend: i push harder. it usually works very good

me: I suppose it depends on how much you want something...

we humans are full of desires

At this point, adding the topic of desires takes us from talking solely about the two opposing forces we face in our lives-our free will and "some other will"/that which is beyond our control-to the inclusion of WHY we want to push for what we push for. I have been reading and re-reading some of my favorite texts on life and have gone ahead to curate a number of perspectives on will, acceptance and desire for your reading pleasure as well as to encourage you to join me in this conversation. I have a feeling this is a conversation I won't end anytime soon. In fact, I am feeling as though this very subject is at the base of my soul's desire for understanding in this lifetime: "perfect balance".  Is there such a thing?

----

1.) CHRISTIANITY

Though its authorship is questioned, the Serenity Prayer is what came to mind when I considered the topic from my own Christian upbringing.   So while this isn't directly from the Bible and maybe it’s a cop-out, I am choosing to use this to represent this segment of thought:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

That sums it all up quite nicely. Notice that here there is talk of Serenity (grace, surrender, lunar) and Courage (power, will, solar).

2.) YOGA

“When the waters of bhakti (adoration, praise, compassion) are made to flow through the turbines of the mind, the result is mental power and spiritual illumination. While mere physical strength (Solar) without bhakti is lethal, mere adoration (Lunar) without strength of character is like an opiate. Addiction to pleasures alone destroys both power and glory. From the gratification of the senses as they run after pleasures arises moha (attachment) and lobha (greed) for their repetition. If the senses are then not gratified, then, there is soka(sorrow)” -B.K.S. Iyengar in his book, Light on Yoga with a little input from me in (green)

In essence:

Once sorrow/suffering sets in, we are often sent right back to using the mind alone, with power alone, to get what we want (greed) while with mindless adoration, addiction rages. This back and forth swinging is incredibly unbalancing and incredibly “normal”. Yoga seeks to stop this swinging and to reunite and reconcile the want and the appreciation.  So as to know when to implement and when to forgo, when to push and when to accept. Yoga encourages the finding of wisdom.

3.) BUDDHISM

Buddhist psychology says, “There are both healthy desires and unhealthy desires. Know the difference. Then find freedom in their midst." From Jack Kornfield's The Wise Heart:

"Our world runs on desire. We would not have been born if not for sexual desire. Without continuing desire, we would die. There is a desire for love, connection, growth, understanding. When people lose their desire to live, they jump of a bridge or swallow pills. We need desire. And yet desire is a great challenge for us.

The idea is not to be without desire, but to have a wise relationship with desire. As William Blake once said, “Those who enter the gates of heaven are not beings who have no passions or who have curbed the passions, but those who have cultivated an understanding of them.”

So how do we develop this wisdom? Buddhists connect to the root of the desire with neutral thought called “the will to do”. When this will is directed in healthy ways, it produces healthy outcomes. And vice versa. Classic examples of unhealthy desires are not different from any other religious or philosophical view: greed, addiction, lust, and overwhelming ambition. Whereas healthy desires allow us to feed, clothe and care for ourselves, tend to others and to develop our communities. Simple.

4.) JUDIASM

First a quick glance at the Jewish views of Human Nature:

• Humanity was created in the "image" of the Creator
• The "image" of the Creator is the ability to discern and reason
• Humanity has an inclination to both good and evil
• Free will is the ability to choose which inclination to follow

In Judiasm there is what is called the yetzer tov. This is the moral conscience, the inner voice. And there is also the yetzer ra, usually seen as the selfish nature, the desire to satisfy personal needs (food, shelter, sex, etc.) without regard for the moral consequences of fulfilling those desires.

The yetzer ra is not considered a bad thing.  Like in the Buddhist view of desire, it is understood that without the yetzer ra (the desire to satisfy personal needs), man would not build a house, marry a wife, beget children or conduct business affairs. Yet, the yetzer ra can lead to wrongdoing when it is not controlled by the yetzer tov. That seems to be the Jewish understanding of free will: People have the ability to choose which impulse to follow: the yetzer tov or solely the yetzer ra. It is also understood that we all have the ability to make our own choices, and we will all be held responsible for the choices we do make.

5.) TAOISM-verses from the Tao Te Ching

38

The Master doesn’t try to be powerful;

Thus he is truly powerful

The ordinary man keeps reaching for power;

Thus he never has enough.

The Master does nothing;

Yet leaves nothing undone.

The ordinary man is always doing things,

Yet many more are left to be done.

77

As it acts in the world, the Tao

Is like the bending of a bow.

The top is bent downward;

The bottom is bent up.

It adjusts excess and deficiency

So that there is perfect balance.

It takes from what is too much

And gives to what isn’t enough

----

I must admit I am enjoying the fact that I don't prefer any one of these philosophies over another. (Well other than the obvious superiority of the Yogic...just kidding!)  They all say the same thing; you’ll notice there is one word I underlined in almost every perspective.

That word, even if not in the word itself, but rather the message, is wisdom. Wisdom , whose synonyms are discernment and understanding, is an inner knowing . Wisdom can be as simple as saying to oneself, "Remember last time I did that I felt horrible afterwards? I won’t do that again." To something as incredibly complex as in taking the role of a teacher and “knowing” how to guide students to their inner wisdom. In all of this, something I did learn quite concretely is that wisdom cannot be taught.

My greatest take-away from recently reading the Herman Hesse classic, Siddartha, was that knowledge can indeed be passed on, but wisdom must be cultivated within. This comes through applying what we know (or don't know) whether from past experience of our own or of another, a teacher. I dare to say that wisdom is innate. Perhaps it is covered up by our conditioning and deception of how life "is" in the illusory world. Perhaps over time we are simply peeling away layer after layer of our nonsense to get to the core of our wisdom. Or on the other hand, perhaps widsom is something we earn over time, through trial and error, through learning when to PUSH (Solar) and when to ACCEPT.

In these final words, I wish you great success in failure. In failing to push when you really wanted something. For failing to accept something you could not change and causing yourself undue suffering. I wish all of these for you, for in time, slowly, slowly, you will gain the wisdom of the Universe. After all, “the result of the Solar Ascension Attitude is to begin to awaken the highest function of human consciousness.”  Perhaps "the highest function of human consciousness" is wisdom...

Om shanti. Om peace.

-Sivakami

Moment by Moment

The apple crisp was vkucna (tasty)

There are defining moments in our lives, no doubt.  Life is just a whole lot of moments all added up to make a minute, an hour, a day...however we choose to measure.  But how do you measure the quality of a moment?  While some seem rather ordinary, others are extraordinary whether because they are painful or full of joy.  But they are full of life.  They are all equally important of course, adding up to make our lives, but some seem to be rather full of impact.  Perhaps here is the quality.

Today I had one such moment.  Full of impact, fully alive. 

It  was a gorgeously sunny fall day here in Moldova.  I woke up early to make my way to the capital for a meeting about GLOW, a volunteer-led organization intending to empower girls in leadership.  I spent the morning with some fellow volunteers, sipped some (instant) coffee and ate some cookies (very normal here, in fact I am yet to attend a meeting where there are no cookies...).  I was eager to get back to my training village, Cricova, where I am staying for another 2 weeks of language training, so that I could make apple crisp with my host sister.  And so I breezed out of the meeting and out the front doors.  However, I did take a moment to stop by the guard's desk to see if I had any packages.  It was recently my birthday and some friends from home had mentioned I should watch the mail.  Sure enough, there was a bright red box with Mickey Mouse on it from my friend Erin.  I picked it up and off I went to catch bus #2.

I was walking briskly as I didn't want to find myself spending too many moments waiting for the next bus, I wanted the 12:05.  So I, with my red box, moved down the sidewalk-all flashes of black sweater, blonde hair and red box.  At one point, I looked up and saw one of the Peace Corps language teachers, Angela, walking towards me on the opposite side of the street.  I called out to her, "Priviet Angela!"  She replied, in Russian, "Hello Julie, how are you?" as we each continued briskly towards our intended destinations.   

What ensued was a simple, fast and passing conversation, all in Russian:

Me: I'm good, all is normal, such beautiful weather!  And you?

Angela: Me too, all is good. 

Me: Bye, see you tomorrow.

Angela: Bye!

What was significant about this conversation was not what was said, but that it was followed by a moment where I realized I had spoken entirely in my new language without the premeditation of what I would say.  This doesn't happen very often, not yet.  It felt natural.  I felt like it was totally normal for me to be walking down a street in Chisinau, Moldova, seeing people I knew and exchanging pleasantries, in Russian.  I felt like I belonged. 

All in a moment.


Like watching a child grow, you cannot tell moment by moment, day by day, how they are changing.  But there are moments where a great leap in growth is realized.  And it's in reflection of these moments where we are gifted with understanding our growth and seeing the lessons this life has to offer.  Isn't is SO COOL to be alive?

Om tat sat.

Einstein's Thoughts=YUM

I was contemplating Albert Einstein the other day…

How cool it is to have such original thoughts

that take this physical world to new realms and continually inspire others

Original thoughts and ideas and the strength to stay true to them

Not give in to society's "norms" and how “everyone else” is thinking...

Bears great fruit!

XOm

Ascension...Come Again?

OK, I am going there.  I am reading and writing about a document called "Ascension" so now I should probably address...what the heck is this Ascension I speak of.  And hold on tight because it's going to be a little bit of a far out ride for some :)  Which I, of course, just love that you're reading this!  Thank you!

All spiritual traditions, in all of times, have spoken of some ultimate goal. It has been called Enlightenment, Self Realization, God Realization, Nirvana, Bliss, Cosmic Consciousness, Christ Consciousness, Awakening the Kundalini etc. Currently, the term 'Ascension' seems to be emerging as a popular term in reference to this goal. Here is a short listing of different interpretations of said goal: 

1. The evolution of the individual, and the collective evolution of humanity...each soul's and humanity's destiny.
2. A level of consciousness in which we experience permanent union with our Higher Self ..oneness with all Life.  (Union....like the "yoke" definition of yoga)
3. Becoming our highest possible Self... Learning to fully express our creative powers and spiritual capabilities within the challenging conditions of physical reality.
4. Raising our vibration to a higher frequency...closer to that of the light of Spirit. (As opposed to lower vibration frequencies like lust, greed, hate, envy, ect.)
5. A state of permanent peace, joy, and freedom from limitation and suffering.
6. Expanding the role we are playing within an ever‑unfolding universal drama (beyond our current ability to comprehend).

Since stumbling across this document (on Twitter of all places) and taking on the task of covering what the Ishayas call the “27 Techniques to Ascension”, I have begun quite a quest into the world of Ascension. What it is, what it isn’t, how it relates to 2012, to Jesus Christ, to the New Age movement, to Yoga. And what I have found is at one point wide and at another quite narrow. And since this is a simple blog and not a scholarly report, I can’t possibly go into the detail and explanations I might want to…we can do that over a cup of tea sometime.  You see, there is mythology from across time and space that tells the same tales again and again, just using different language. Some of this "mythology” is deeply intertwined with many of today’s most popular religions. As I have read most recently about the Greek Sophia, I have realized she is the same as the Yoga's Shakti. Same stories, different time, different culture…or was it?

Do we really have such a multitude of “cultures” or is this something the human mind has used as a way to establish its own ego? “I am a part of this group. We do this, eat that and speak this way.” Unity in division?  

What if I were to propose that there is only one culture, the human culture? It turns out we have a lot more in common than we have in difference. Because if we have the same stories of (and I am largely generalizing here for simplicity sake) Creator/God/Brahman whose extraordinary light descends due to some sort of passion/desire/sin and creates the world/Shakti/Sophia/Gaia, and then we, being sparks of God (having souls that is), are here in Shaktiland, but remember Creatorland (the place of complete love, nonsuffering we first came from) on some level and desperately desire to return. But those desires get mixed up and crazy in Shaktiland and instead we figure we really just want an empire, a yacht, a diamond, some sex, political power, a cigarette, a film…and on and on. But the yearning never ceases. And soooooo…(drum roll please)…Creator, through compassion, sends some pretty darn (or so it would seem) clear messages down to good old Earth, to remind the people, that there IS actually a way to rejoin Creator/Immaterial for all of eternity AKA no more suffering and no need for death. And so comes Buddha/Jesus/Krishna/Siva…messages. These messages pretty much say, “Hey people, listen up, love yourself because you are perfect. Then love your fellow human, they are perfect too. Stop being afraid, that is crap. There is no need for fear. It’s actually ruining everyone’s time here. Drop it! Get to loving. It’s the only way. Drop the BS of jealousy, greed, envy, hate ect. and accept who you are, what you are and BINGO… you’ve got ACSENSION."  That's right...heaven on Earth, Earth in heaven...however you like it!!

There you have it my friends. There are a bazillion ways towards Ascension, techniques. There are religions. There is yoga and meditation. There is radical acceptance. Whichever path you choose is cool...AND...last but not least....It's being touted in many circles (from the hippy dippies to the Mayan calendar to the economic crisis) that Earth and humanity are currently going through an extraordinary consciousness shift...a quantum leap to a higher, more enlightened state of being (think quantum physics...particles vibrating at an ever-increasing rate).  It is believed that you can choose to go with the flow of this evolutionary current ‑ thus facilitating your ascension process ‑ by preparing yourself for a new and higher level of consciousness. If you choose to do so, here are some tips to assist you! 

1. Connect with your inner knowing daily...in silent meditation or prayer.
2. Be Light. Remember as often as you can throughout the day (when your mind is not fully engaged, drifting) to shift your attention back to the light of your calm true Self.
3. Develop some degree of spiritual non‑attachment. The more weight you give the world, the heavier it is to carry.
4. Strengthen your "energy circulatory system", so that you can conduct higher spiritual energies (AKA prana). This can be done through regular exercise, physical work, or energy body exercises, such as Yoga, Tai Chi, Chi Gong, etc.
5. Learn to attune to your higher guidance.  Think with your heart.

  Om tat sat.  Love and light.  XOm.