The Julie and Costea Show

Looking up the definitive definition of the word narcissist allows me to know that is not what I am. And I hardly think that I am alone in my thinking. It's like this: ever since I was a little girl, I felt at times like I was in a movie or a show, on stage, as though people were always watching me. (Ok, so notice my fear of narcissism, but truthfully there is no self-importance or lack of empathy or anything...)  I have no idea where this idea came from, but it's stayed with me, a sense that is at some times stronger than others. Like I am observing myself.

In a world of Instagram updates showing off every little thing we do, my fantastic ideas that people were watching me, have become reality for those who actually want that. I did so many cool things throughout my youth and can actually recall thinking, "Wow, how awesome is life, if only the people could see me now". I know I was not alone in this thinking because of the popularity of Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. These services arose in popularity because there were millions of people thinking that same thing. We're all the same in many ways...

I can't say I have totally taken to showing off everything in my life, nor would I want to. I will go over the reasons why much more in my "the differences between people here and there" and  "how I have changed" posts coming soon. But with all of that, I can't help from daydreaming about the crazy reality that will be mine and Costea's life when we are living and trying to make a go of it in the US of A. And in my mind that plays my life like a show, I mean, we are practically a reality TV sensation :)

So why will our life be so crazy?

Starring Constantin Grozav as Costea

For one, Costea has never been to the USA. He's met a lot of Americans, mostly Peace Corps volunteers, which one might argue are a breed of their own, but he's never experienced the kind of diversity he'll meet there: people of every color, religion, sexual identity and beyond. Of course I sense he is an accepting person but it will still be a big difference for him. Costea does know English so he'll get along in conversation. But the little sayings and idioms will surely get him at times. For example, one time when I was really mad (warning: not so yogic moment ahead...) I called him a 'piece of shit'. Rather than getting mad at my diarrhea of the mouth he started laughing because that just sounded so funny to him. He was imagining a little piece of poop and why I would call him that. I had to explain that it's a saying people use in America to describe a person who is not so nice. SO...one can imagine how many of those we'll go through.

and Julie Frieswyk as Julie

Next, though I am American, I haven't been in the USA at all in two and a half years. I have changed indeed and will have to find my place in my new role as an employee somewhere, a wife in America, and hopefully in some part of some awesome and supportive community of friends. But as the native between us, I will be the "root" so to speak. Costea won't have any roots and I need to be grounded enough for both of us. And for a girl who loves to fly, this will be a whole new challenge.

Lastly, I will share that Costea and I have quite of a bit of an age difference. I am the older one and surprisingly not too many people here have thought too much of it. We'll see if that's the same in America. I honestly always thought I would marry someone my senior, but you know, when you're the kind who moves with life rather than planning so hard, life surprises and amazes you constantly. 

I figure that as an outlet and for entertainment, I can document our transition to life in America a bit. I already have a few seasons of our show and maybe even a feature film played out in my head with about 1,000 different paths, variants and outcomes. It should all be interesting. Thinking about sharing our craziness makes me a little nervous and feeling quite vulnerable. I have definitely become a more private person in my time here. But the lessons we'll be sure to learn are probably too juicy not to share. And the laughs...

We want to be healthy and fit and introducing Costea to the "health nut" version of myself will be interesting. I can't wait to juice with him and do cleanses and experiment with food. We want to be more active than we've been here. There aren't exactly national parks and tennis courts around here. I want to hike and take yoga classes and to both take up tennis. Costea was the captain of his volleyball team so hopefully he can find some way to play wherever we end up. Oh and that...that's just another twist to this story...we don't know where we're going to live yet! A few irons in the fire but nothing for sure. So much is open and we're keeping our hearts and minds open. Finding our way around my friends who seemingly all have mortgages and babies, the new friends we make, our professional lives, and family, will keep us busy and above all, hopefully happy. This will be challenging...! This is life.

One More Week

One week from now I will be finishing 2.5 years of serving with the Peace Corps in the Republic of Moldova. This means a lot of emotions going on over here: in, around and through me. A lot of processing and reflecting. This is resulting in about a dozen different blog posts and stories I want to share. I know I haven't shared as much about my life as I used to do in these past months. I was going through so many changes at once I didn't have it in me to exist successfully in that while also regurgitating all of those experiences for reflection. And it's all coming up now. So I will be writing and sharing :)

I can tell you I am working on a number of pieces:

-The Food Post. I haven't written enough about how much the difference in food effects the life. And paradoxically how it doesn't change some things. I will probably post this one on Taste of Peace but will link here.

-The Julie and Costea Show:

-Before and After Reflections on how (I think) I have changed

They will be published in the order according to my whim in writing. This is all happening in between and whilst writing my reports for Peace Corps. Getting it all out and cleared for the next LEAP!

xo

My Small, Quaint Moldovan...

Well folks, I can't beat around this one. I have written about health, food, spirit and love. And now comes a very personal post about myself and possibly the most real reason I haven't written in such a long time. I have been busy falling in...love.

a lady in love

I have written in the past about how I have a tendency to see myself through the eyes of others. This was something that Swami Sita could see in my astrological chart and that I have always known. In simple English, this means I care way too stinking much what others think about me and I form my self-image based on their feedback of me. This is SUPER dangerous. This is something that I have had to work on, strengthening my own sense of self has been a freaking struggle my entire life. And now Costea has came along. Costea is short for Constantin. His name sort of sums it up. He is consistent and constant and loving and honest. From the beginning he was incredibly honest with me and asked of the same from me.

 I had never had someone so forthright about their feelings and about their impressions of me-good and bad. It was refreshing. Those weaknesses he exposed were ones that I knew all too well of, that I had been trying to hide or cover up. My ego didn't want to admit any of them! But Costea insisted I could change, I could grow and get better and better. In fact he was sure of it and wanted to be a part of that process. And he asked that I do that same for him. This was love. Of course this didn't all happen overnight and as with all meaningful relationships it has taken a lot of work for us to get to the place we find ourselves-married!

 For the last months, I have been focused on my relationship and my work in Moldova and so that meant not much room in my mind or days for the pleasure-filled outlet of writing, which I do love so much, on this blog and other projects. Thank you for being here, for bearing with me, for being...

In my last post, I proclaimed I was back to food. I was back to believing strongly that what we put into our bodies has MAJOR effects as to what goes on in our lives. And I have proclaimed in the past that all I want to do is to help people to better understand their own body's needs-nutritionally and through movement, as well as how this connects, or is the "gateway" to their entire life-both spiritual and here on Earth! That connection is so REAL and it's something that I can't get away from. Through all of my business background, non-profit work and *secret* desires to be wealthy and not-so-secret desire to be healthy, it is food, spirit, and wellness that keep pulling me back in. And when Costea and I talk about my career, the past failures, the current struggles, and future dreams, he tells me in his honesty that it is with FOOD and SPIRIT and WELLNESS and UPLIFTING and YOGA and WRITING where he sees my power. He applauds my past attempts to make a living in these areas, understands and empathizes in my failures, and empowers me to blaze forward. Forget about money, forget about fame, forget about making an name and just GO WITH YOUR PASSION.

If I could ever give out some of the best advice I also received, it would be to find a partner who is an honest witness to your own being and who is not afraid to report back what they observe-out of love and out of the desire for growth. Because life is both light and dark, and the person who sees the dark and is not afraid to pull you out of it, is a true gift.

I have learned so much in my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer. International relations, project writing, and empowerment. These skills will not go to waste and the work and connections I make here continue to be meaningful in ways I never could have dreamed. I found my husband! I found amazing friends, and I am finding the way to see myself through my own eyes, and those of a trusted partner.

Om!

Slippery Puddles

The temperature outside is hovering around zero (Celsius that is). The already thickly frozen layers of ice and snow on the streets have begun to melt in the past 48 hours of indecisive temperature, making for everyone’s favorite messy mix of slush, ice and water.

This morning as I carefully navigated my way around the puddles that hid layers of ice as I made my way to buy produce at the bazaar, I began to think about this temperature hovering. “Come on!” I seemed to beg of the weather. “Pick a side, do you want to freeze and snow, or not and rain?” I found I wasn’t appreciating the ice below, rain above, slippery puddles. I wanted decisions. And appropriately so, this brought about the thoughts of where I am in my own life, also wanting clear and deliberate decisions. No one like fence-sitters- but why?

I have a little over 5 months of time left here in Moldova, as a Peace Corps volunteer. I have loved my time here. Things were hard, terrifying, enlightening, sad, joyful…things were the stuff life is made of. But now I know I need to think ahead of what to do next; where to go, with whom to be, work or school, domestic or foreign. As we all know this kind of thinking, when thought on too much, brings about anxiety. I am a slippery puddle. I am not warm and melted-flowing, but I am not fully frozen- stuck. Sometimes we start out wet and warm and in time start to freeze up. This is me now. I had been loving my life in Moldova-making my own schedule, working on multiple projects at once with many partners, meeting new and interesting people and experiences at every turn. It’s a rather perfect lifestyle for me.  And the idea of going into something that boxes me in (getting colder) and makes me ask how high when they say jump (and colder) and chains me to one desk in one place for the rest of my life (OMG almost frozen!!!)…ok you can see I am not being rationale. And other times we start out frozen. “I am NOT EVER going to do THAT”. And in time, we warm up to an idea, a place, a person. But life is not black and white, warm or frozen.

So why do we tend to be so uncomfortable in the middle. To be moving from one major life decision to the next, having not yet grabbed onto something “permanent” is probably the scariest thing in life. (And to note, permanency is a joke, as Shakyamuni Buddha explained, there are four inescapable realities: 1) we will all become old and frail. 2) It is absolutely certain that everything will constantly change. 3) Everything we achieve or accumulate will eventually fall apart and scatter. 4) We are all bound to die).

We’re all slippery puddles at times. Sometimes we’re warm pools or dry as a bone, sometimes we’re slush, sometimes we’re ice. But we’re always changing and choices will always need to be made. I don’t know how to embrace this zero degrees myself yet. Each time it happens, I KNOW I am in the middle of a huge life choice and lesson, and yet I still get worked up and just want to swim or slide, you know?! Sometimes you just want to have fun and see what happens. One thing I know to do, is as best I can, be light. “LIGHTEN UP JULIE, IT’S ALL GOING TO CHANGE ANYWAY”, a familiar voice echoes. The laughable part is that I am not even sure it’s what we choose or do or make that matters the most. I think it’s more important HOW we do it. Or at least equally important Do we listen, do we flow, do we trust? Or do we move with our head in the sand, making the choices out of fear?

Listen. Lighten. Flow.

Om shanti. Om peace.