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| Three years ago at the Sivananda Yoga Farm |
I have gotten over beating myself up about not writing on my blog. At first it was a regular thing,, to scold myself. I promised myself I wouldn't be "like that". I would't become jaded about my experience and just stop writing. Well thankfully I am not feeling at all jaded. That's not it. What is it then? Why don't I have my almost-daily awakenings of one sort or another? Whether that little spark is to share a small story or some thought I had been chewing on for a while, in the past I wasn't at all hesitant to write, to share in word.
Well I think I finally have some insight about this. When I was home in the States, in my comfort zone if you will, I had all sorts of "free space" in my micro-processor mind for these sorts of insights. And NOW, in a new culture, new language, new people, new food, new new new life...that energy is redirected, in my case, to things like figuring out how to ask for a kilo of apples or how to approach a colleague about going about an old method in a new way.
This redirecting of energy is no new concept. It's basic physics. Energy is never created nor destroyed, it's simply changed. So instead of me being able to share my inner mental/spiritual thoughts here, I am dreaming up and sharing with people in Moldova, face to face. I am helping to produce a film about pensioners trying to get by on $40 a month, helping a budding artist to share her work with a global audience, creating an international externship program, writing business plans with enthusiastic young people, meanwhile buying my apples and calling taxis in Russian. OHHHHH...so that's where the energy is going :)
And this is what I asked for. Three years ago today I was embarking on a journey to my core. I arrived at the Sivananda Yoga Farm on October 1, 2009 with the aim of simply "raising my vibration". Of course becoming a certified yoga instructor was cool too-a useful trade I could take with me anywhere; but my main goal was one of self-discovery. Three months later, I found myself still at the Yoga Farm, working as staff, and having morning meditations that urged me to explore Karma Yoga. Karma Yoga means self-less service. This is where we work in exchange for simply being of use. There is no pay-off. There is no expectation. And last night I had a dream that someone kept urging me to read the part of my instructor's manual about Karma Yoga. It was a reminder.
Yesterday was my brother-in-law's birthday. I wrote him a quick note today, in my remembering I hadn't done so the day before. When I read his thoughtful response that ended with the line, "I know your making the most of this time away....will be over in a blink of the eye", I cried. I cried and I let myself cry. Then I asked the question, WHY was I crying? They weren't sad tears. They were happy tears. Wait...and sad tears. I was crying knowing that my Peace Corps experience would end. That I would have more goodbyes than I wanted to think about. But I was also crying (and still am) because I realized something today. I realized that I really am creating my life. Three years ago at the Yoga Farm I promised myself to learn about karma yoga. For me this came in the idea of Peace Corps. And I did it. The idea came and I made it happen. And now I am here in the Republic of Moldova and am crying because I realize why I am here. And I am crying because I realize I haven't cried like this in a long time. And I am a crier.
And so, after all of this rambling, I learned something about myself today. My crying and feeling and sensitivity, like in this night of crying over a line in an email, this is a great gift. All along I thought I was overly-sensitive and over-reactive, but in reality, I am processing what I am experiencing. And when I process instead of holding back, I am able to move. I can move through and on. I can flow. I know many people who do not process their emotions. They are stacked and packed, perfect packages or bombs ready to explode. I hope to share the gift of embracing the flow. I know I am creating my life, and I know that I am good at processing and moving through. I am still no expert, but I learning every day and getting stronger and stronger...SO GRATEFUL!
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| Celebrating my birthday with colleagues in Balti, Moldova |
