Before and After

Before

Of course after 2 1/2 years a person ages somewhat. So we can see those changes. But what about the changes we can't exactly see but we know are there?

I made a quick trip to the Sivananda Yoga Farm right before embarking on my Peace Corps experience. I wanted to touch base with the silent inner voice I had gotten to know better while there, and to gain some feeling of "blessing" from the director, Swami Sita. I was so happy when I found that the lovely and sweet Ambika, an Ayurvedic practitioner well known at the Farm, was also staying while I was there. Before I left, she looked deep into my eyes and told me to be sure to take a before and after photo with a clear look into my eyes, so I could see the profound changes that were sure to occur, even, and especially, at the soul level.

OK, so there are many levels on which we change. They can actually line up exactly with the 3 bodies: spirit, mind, body. And yes, all of those have changed. So let's look at each of those for this post :)

The easiest to notice are the physical changes:

1) My hair is longer. I cut it short right before I left for Moldova as I didn't know what I could expect for hair-care. Well, little did I know that I would be living in a city and there would be plenty of places for haircuts and even highlights. But I didn't exactly find a stylist I loved and sort of decided to let it grow out!

2) I am 3-5 pounds lighter. At one point, I had put on a good 7 pounds. That was almost a year into my service. I remember taking a trip with my friend Natashia to Budapest and we were visiting a spa that had hot spring baths and waters to drink. I wanted to cleanse. I stepped on the scale and saw 60 Kilo and it didn't take too much calculating to realize that was more than I usually weigh. Of course this was the beginning of spring and I always gain weight when it's cold (and the Peace Corps doctors and all of the women here would also remark I needed to be more sturdy for winter). I am closer now to my "healthy weight" but I do fear that is more fat than muscle since I didn't keep a regular workout routine...ugh.

3) I look older. Apparently I look young for my age because people in Moldova always thought I was 25 (I am 32). But when I look at photos from 2011 and now, I guess I can see some new lines. I also think I see some circles under my eyes...

4) I might possibly be toxic. This one is out for the jury. On one hand, I ate quite "clean" in Moldova in the sense that I didn't eat a lot of packaged or processed foods. Moldova also has incredibly rich "black" soil. The fruits and veggies are unbelievably juicy, tasty, amazing! So this makes me think that the micro-nutrients that go into the foods from the soil are higher there. But on the other hand, there is no great organized waste management in Moldova so who knows what's going into the soil really. The water is heavy in minerals and I have no idea if some of those are the dreaded "heavy metals" that come with industrial wasteland type environments. With no place to put your trash, a lot of people burn their trash, including plastics, so who knows what I was breathing on many days. I didn't do any sort of toxicity testing before Moldova so I have no baseline data to compare, but I will definitely be doing some sort of cleansing when I get home.

And next comes the mind...

A little harder to take notice to, but comparing to my thought patterns of the past:

1) I am less self-important. I can't say how I was before I left, but I can say that is something that hit me when I would meet new Americans well into my service. I often felt they were really loud, open, and sharing strange details about their lives that didn't seem to be relevant or necessary. This was overwhelming to me. When I shared this with my work partner, Inesa, she said that I was probably just the same as them but then I got used to the Moldovan ways of being which are typically more reserved with personal life details. I am not so sure if this is exactly "self-importance" but it does seem that I have taken to the Moldovan way of remaining a bit more reserved until appropriately accustomed to a person or group of people and it's not out of shyness but more out of not feeling like everything I say or share is the most important. I have learned to listen more.

2) I compare myself with others less. I won't call this phenomenon an American thing, because truly it's a human thing. We tend to see where others our age are in life, what our neighbor has done to their home, and so on, and compare that to where we are. It's like trying to stick in a life thermometer and ensure we are somehow OK. But living in a place where I understand how difficult it is for people to "get ahead" and living with people who don't have much but offer everything they have, has truly shown me that the things in a person's life are nothing compared to the way a person conducts themselves within that life. Comparing the way we look, what we own, where we are in our careers with others, can be both useful and harmful .There is nothing wrong with seeing some life aspects that we want to reach for, but to understand that we all have our own path in life and that is not a linear and defined path, but an amorphous and evolving process, will help us to just love who we are and where we are...and have respect and love for that!

3) I have less anxiety. I wish I could say I somehow rid myself of all fear and anxieties but heck if that were true, I could probably convince every American to join the Peace Corps ;) My mind still plays plenty of it's same old games of self-doubt. Did I try hard enough? Do I do that the best I could? Did I waste time? Am I on the right path? These questions don't go away but they can lessen and quiet down. One thing Moldova has done for me is to significantly "ground" me. In this I mean that a lot of those high-flying, spinning fears and self-doubting thoughts were probably from being in such a fast-paced and highly critical society coupled with a seemingly unavoidable food system of highly processed inputs. (This is an Ayurvedic or "energy of food" concept that the more whole and local your foods, the more grounded and whole you will feel). Feeling more grounded and whole means feeling more comfortable in one's body, life, and choices. For this I am incredibly grateful.

And finally, the soul...

It's so hard to know how we've changed on the soul level. Of course I have but I won't be able to see that until I have my life review or however that process works towards the time of leaving the physical body. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and there we might see the change. I am not sure this is the best picture but it was taken the day I finished with Peace Corps, my "Close of Service" date. The picture at the beginning of the post was taken the day I swore in as a volunteer in  Moldova. Om!

After