My Two Sides, Sprituality and Lil' Wayne

Driving in the car today, the song of the moment came on and I turned it to full blast. As I did my best hand pumping and hip swaying, I could feel the beat of the song through my entire body. And this is one side of me. I have always loved hip-hop, dropping low, sexy looks, long hair, long legs, high fashion, outrageous parties, delicious foods, full body massage and the list goes on...Yes, this is my sensual side, the part of me enjoying living on Earth-my "animal being".

And then there is the other side of me. She takes the path less traveled. She abstains from over-indulgences and has led long periods of abstinence. She is deeply entrenched in spirituality, in touch with her intuition, and able to see the "good/God" in others. This is what makes me a "spiritual being".

Animal + Spiritual being = Human

Anyone who knows me well knows of these two sides all too well. They get me into trouble, mostly with myself. Imagine indulging in a night of drinks, boat rides with music blaring, hanging with a bunch of men, kissing one of them- all on a whim. Having an absolute blast. In the moment of this particular evening, I was high on all my senses. Attention, speed, thrill, music, touch...but we know what goes up must come down. Right? Because the next day I was so GUILT-ridden.  I was in my worst nightmare when just 12 hours before I was having an amazing time "letting loose". I fret and I panicked, "What are people saying? what are they thinking?" The bigger question is "WHO CARES?" BIG WHOOP. What a waste of energy.

And I'm Like F- You

It's useful to say "Forget You" to those who judge. And this includes my holier than thou self. I have been getting therapy for the past six months. It has been a long time coming-my first attempt at working with a truly outside objective voice. Yesterday she guided me to a HUGE breakthrough: that I had overdeveloped this "spiritual" side of myself at a young age in order to escape from having to deal with what was happening in my everyday life. And as soon as I did this (about 6th grade), I immediately began to heavily judge myself and others.

I can clearly recall one afternoon when I was maybe 12 or 13. I was in the forest with some girlfriends. It was a Saturday. I was sensing that the three of them were ganging up on me and making fun of me. I can't recall what about but how I handled it was to walk off on my own. Eventually they became worried about me and set off to find me. I had made my way a swing by the creek we were playing in and they asked what I was doing. I replied, "I'm talking to God". Their response was one of awe. They asked if I did this often, did I ever hear a reply. This was good. They weren't making fun of me anymore. And so it began. Can't deal with the here and now, I'll go up. And while this is not a bad move, it's not "wrong", and it's a beautiful thing to turn to a higher power when we are in despair, but it did give me an excuse to separate myself from other.

The truth is that even though I am seeing my spiritual tendencies in a new light, I still am-to my core-a very spiritual person. There is a reason that I had the tendency to go this place. I probably was indeed talking to God on that swing-but was it out of a place of connection or out of a place of escape? I see this now and I embrace this part of me as well as the girl who likes to boogie down, wear beautiful clothes and go out for delicious meals. I'll always be the yoga teacher talking with teenagers about Facebook AND the co-worker making you get on the floor to stretch and breathe between meetings. I am jubilent Julie. I love looking at the pages of Vogue and standing on my head. I like Lil' Wayne and Krishna Das. I eat goji berries and potato chips.

THAT is who I am. I am both. I am one. I am me. The only. And you are the only YOU. And that is what makes it so darn cool to be human. We all come here with some truth to share. That is our one job. We each hold a piece of the one Truth and the more we share it, the more we all come together as one. Once we embrace our many sides, we actually become closer to our own true nature and God.

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Now go ahead and play this would ya? Because it's fun. And you know what? Lil' Wayne is a pretty deep dude. Catch this line: "...but most of ya'll don't get the picture 'less the flash is on."

I see that he is saying we can't see the truth a lot of the time until it's made utterly impossible to ignore.

Om tat sat. I'm off to dance!