Right after I finished my yoga teacher training, I decided to stay on at the ashram as staff. About half way through the 30 day program, I knew in my heart that I needed to put a lot more work, and that it was doubtful I would have the self-discipline to keep up the intensive practice when left to my own devices. (Was I ever right about that!)
My first week as staff, we had a teacher who specializes in dreams come to give a week-long workshop. I signed up. I dream. A lot. I can usually remember about 2-3 dreams per night in detail. This fluctuates of course, most likely dependent upon my waking life circumstances. One of the exercises that the teacher had us do, and I highly recommend doing this yourself, is to ask a question of your dreams right before you go to sleep. Write down the question in a journal. It's usually something you have been grappling over, a decision, an inquiry that must be worked out subconsciously (you know, where we aren't JUDGING so heavily). Then, from what I gathered, there were one of two ways to extract the aswer:
1. You would have a dream (that would indeed require interpretting which can get tricky because now we might fall into the judgy/preconcieved notion voice).
2. The answer is running through your head upon waking. This is called a "waking thought".
Now to get to the true waking thought, one must first realize they are awake. THEN (and this is the hard part), without moving a muscle, tune in and see what the mind is spouting. I found this rather difficult because I would wake up and roll over or stretch or open my eyes (don't do that!). During this week of learning however, I was sleeping in a tight little sleeping bag in my tent so it was a bit easier.
One particular bedtime during this workshop, I went to bed asking my journal, "Why do my ears hurt all of the time and feel like they are blocked?". I went off to sleep and awoke with one of my strongest and clearest waking thoughts to date: "You have to purify before you can build a strong foundation", my inner knowing told me. And you know what is so funny? That is not until today that I finally get what that means. And so that is why I am writing this. That is what compelled me to stop my day, my packing and sorting, and plop in front if this screen, and punch these keys.
I have been going through my books over and over again. I am curating piles and wrapping in ribbons some books for special people in my life. Some I simply cannot part with and they will move to Massachusetts with my parents. But there is still a pile left. One that is far to big to bring on my journey. And so I sort again and again. And today I picked up a Jack Kornfield book, The Wise Heart. As I held it, I looked it over, and did what I always do. I opened to a page and began to read:
Purification: The Gateway to Higher States
Learning to concentrate, though initially difficult, works. Gradually, through repeated focus on our subject over hours and days, the mind's wandering diminishes. It settles down and steadies itself on the subject of meditation. This process of developing concentration is described in Buddhist texts as "purification". The term is not a religious or moral one, but rather describes an experience of release in body and mind.
Ahhhh, big sigh. I get it. Now I get it. I had all but ignored by inner-knowing's advice that morning at the ashram. I mean it made sense to purify before building a strong foundation, but that word: PURITY, had a lot of misconstrued and tough meaning for me. What did it mean to be "pure" and how could any human being actually attain that state? I know my mind often went to places I was not proud of, I judged myself and others, I had done so many things that I was not proud of, that I wished I could go back and change. How can I be pure when I already did those things and had those thoughts?
And then since my original question was about my ears I thought that maybe it was a purificaiton of the physical body that I needed, and at the time (and now) that was equally overwhelming. Did I need to fast? Should I do more yoga?
But now I get it. As Kornfield states, purification is not a pious or moral process. It's simply what we talk about in the meaning and purpose of Yoga: the cessation of thought waves, letting go, and discovering our Self. Our Self that simply IS and is not DEFINED by what we think, what we have, where we go, what we do, who we know and blah blah blah.
In my last few sessions of acupuncture, Lance has really encouraged me to stay in my body as I am feeling emotions. To stay with any tightness or pain and to see where it was traveling. And you know what? It was in my throat, sinus area and ears. The problems I have here cannot be "cured" through diet, exercise or supplements. While these things help GREATLY with the process of "purification" (which remember is really just the process of developing great concentration, or in other words, the ability to not have the mind wander incessantly, acting like a drunk monkey or wild horse), they are not IT alone.
As we try to sit and develop this concentration (the beginning process to meditation), our thoughts, conflicts, plans and unfinished business will get in the way. Physical tension and restlessness, memories and fears, instincts and drives will repeatedly interrupt us.
It is not an easy road my friends. It will take thousand of repetitions but finally, once the heart and mind are freed from the grip of these things, we are purified; we are free to be who we always were---pure JOY!
So, yeah, I am going to take this book with me.
Hari om tat sat. In light and love.
