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| Who do you love? (Are you for sure?) |
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| Green Tara, Buddha of Enlightened Activity and Compassion. |
Well geez, don't I need this...for MYSELF! I am having difficulty to even type the following words, like...sandbags...on...fiinnnggeeeeersssssss......I am turning 30 this month. There, I said it. Whew-glad that's over with, now let's move on. OK-I can't can I? I need to sit with this-don't I?
With this blog I have openly saught to create a space where I can be quite candid and quite honest...transparent. Simple. Humble. And so when I am facing something that yes, we can all banter and say, "Nevazhnaya" (AKA 'No biggie' in Russian), the truth is that I am feeling like it IS a big deal and I need to have some compassion with myself about this. I will share with you this process:
Here I am, turning 30. I am currently serving in the Peace Corps (oh no, here it comes, my mind-voice that is just KILLING me right now, reminds me that I should have done this, you know, when I was younger, not in my PRIME marriage-having, child-rearing years) "Hello? Who is going to want you when you are done with this? It will be too late. No babies for you! Maybe next life suckaaaa" she jabs.
This voice also reminds me that, "Thing should look differently now. Weren't we suppose to be in awesome shape, be married to some awesome man, be working some impressive job with an impressive title at an impressive company? What the heck? I'm about ready to pack up and leave your ass!"
And right then...right there...another voice sweeps in.
"Well, it would actually be quite OK if you decide to leave us you know. We are rather tired to hear about the 'would have-should have' scenarios. We really rather prefer to focus on what is here, right now, in our life. We want to nurture that. It's your choice: join us here, or you must leave."
Compassion.
In this case the compassion is for myself. It seems from my readings and experience, only from here first, can that cup overflow to compassion for all:
Compassion "clarifies the relationship of the individual with all"-other human beings, animals, and Self. "Invincibility in human life is the result of mastery of consciousness" and this is based in harmlessness. (Harmlessness, also called non-violence, is ahimsa in yogic literature-think Ghandi.) True harmlessness is only established by the full development of compassion-the two go hand in hand. It is impossible to cause harm when we are compassionate. "Universal Compassion is the requirement for enlightenment...Only those who have proven they will not abuse their power are given the key to Door of Everything."
Abuse of power-huh? That sounds like something we hear about often. But do we ever stop to think about the root of this abuse, and the source of this power? WE hold our power. It's our responsibility. And when I spend MY power, MY energy on thoughts about how "wrong" MY life is...it's an insane amount of abuse. And we're all guilty.
Perhaps if the voice we all have that tells us we are not good/right/enough, were to simply surrender to what is actually happening in our lives, the abuse would cease. And if we weren't abusing ourselves and creating dissonance in our own well-being, we would never need to abuse power in the outer spheres of influence either.
Perhaps if the voice we all have that tells us we are not good/right/enough, were to simply surrender to what is actually happening in our lives, the abuse would cease. And if we weren't abusing ourselves and creating dissonance in our own well-being, we would never need to abuse power in the outer spheres of influence either.
If our world outside is a reflection of our world inside (which I do believe, because our world outside is viewed through our personal perspective)...then the lot of us have some serious inner work to do, wouldn't you say? (Just look at any newspaper, turn on any news show...major disharmony out there!) So get to having some compassion for yourself today, for the love of humanity. Invite the voice that chides you to either join in the "kumbaya" or catch the next flight to far away from here!
XOmmmm
PS-I am totally aware that 30 is the new 20 and that I have nothing to worry about. I love who I am and where I am. I invite more and more compassion to understand and improve upon only HOW I am...and mostly with myself!
I'm 26, but I'm planning on starting vet school at age 30 (if I'm lucky enough to get in on the first attempt), and graduate when I'm 34. Having children isn't in my plans, but I'd prefer to be married. I just have no freakin' clue how that's going to happen with me being on this path (any potential partner would have to follow me to vet school and deal with my crabby, workaholic, sleep-deprived ass for four years... not likely). Anyway, I see how this kinda sucks, but I'm absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing. I've also started to have thoughts like, "Well, maybe I don't have to get married... who decided that anyway? Do I really want/need that, or is that just what I've been raised to think I want?" Anyway, the point is that I can relate. "Life Script" stress can be very painful if you start to judge yourself and your choices. We both know that we are exactly where we are meant to be, and we are both growing in ways that wouldn't be possible if we had merely followed the Script!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Heidi. I do agree with the "Life Script" thing. Sometimes I allow myself to imagine that right now, in some parallel universe I am married, have children, a house ect. How would I feel? Relaxed? Secure? Or might I feel restless, and trapped? Like there is this whole outer/inner world that I want to explore but cannot due to my duties as wife, mother, homemaker. Most likely the latter. I believe we can follow a script or we can follow our hearts. Either way we will stumble, folly, and ache...but only because we are human. At this point I feel that surrender and acceptance are our greatest allies :) XOm dear Heidi!
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