Questions

View from my apartment window. A not-gray day.

I have been really quiet. Am I being secretive? Am I just so "wrapped up" in it all? I am leaning towards the latter. I am not usually afraid to share the details of my inner-most thoughts.  Am I feeling there is nothing worth sharing these days?

What am I spending my thought energy on now, in my 18th month  as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Moldova? What battle am I fighting in there? I asked and this came:

There is gray 

  On this day

There is no one 

   to say

How it all comes

   together

When a day is so gray

There's a quickness 

  to air

There's a stir 

  In my heart

Is there is something

   to grasp to?

Or is flying

   my art?

One part is 

  so gray

And the other 

   can't say

In which

 direction

Or what 

   to allay

This morning I awoke to a cold rain that soon became snow. Winter, it seems, has found Moldova. 

OM shanti

Om peace

Three Years Ago, Plus (Finally) Some Updates

Just realized something about myself...

Three years ago at the Sivananda Yoga Farm

I have gotten over beating myself up about not writing on my blog. At first it was a regular thing,, to scold myself. I promised myself I wouldn't be "like that". I would't become jaded about my experience and just stop writing. Well thankfully I am not feeling at all jaded. That's not it. What is it then? Why don't I have my almost-daily awakenings of one sort or another? Whether that little spark is to share a small story or some thought I had been chewing on for a while, in the past I wasn't at all hesitant to write, to share in word.

Well I think I finally have some insight about this. When I was home in the States, in my comfort zone if you will, I had all sorts of "free space" in my micro-processor mind for these sorts of insights. And NOW, in a new culture, new language, new people, new food, new new new life...that energy is redirected, in my case, to things like figuring out how to ask for a kilo of apples or how to approach a colleague about going about an old method in a new way. 

This redirecting of energy is no new concept. It's basic physics. Energy is never created nor destroyed, it's simply changed. So instead of me being able to share my inner mental/spiritual thoughts here, I am dreaming up and sharing with people in Moldova, face to face. I am helping to produce a film about pensioners trying to get by on $40 a month, helping a budding artist to share her work with a global audience, creating an international externship program, writing business plans with enthusiastic young people, meanwhile buying my apples and calling taxis in Russian. OHHHHH...so that's where the energy is going :) 

And this is what I asked for. Three years ago today I was embarking on a journey to my core. I arrived at the Sivananda Yoga Farm on October 1, 2009 with the aim of simply "raising my vibration". Of course becoming a certified yoga instructor was cool too-a useful trade I could take with me anywhere; but my main goal was one of self-discovery. Three months later, I found myself still at the Yoga Farm, working as staff, and having morning meditations that urged me to explore Karma Yoga. Karma Yoga means self-less service. This is where we work in exchange for simply being of use. There is no pay-off. There is no expectation. And last night I had a dream that someone kept urging me to read the part of my instructor's manual about Karma Yoga. It was a reminder. 

Yesterday was my brother-in-law's birthday. I wrote him a quick note today, in my remembering I hadn't done so the day before. When I read his thoughtful response that ended with the line, "I know your making the most of this time away....will be over in a blink of the eye", I cried. I cried and I let myself cry. Then I asked the question, WHY was I crying? They weren't sad tears. They were happy tears. Wait...and sad tears. I was crying knowing that my Peace Corps experience would end. That I would have more goodbyes than I wanted to think about. But I was also crying (and still am) because I realized something today. I realized that I really am creating my life. Three years ago at the Yoga Farm I promised myself to learn about karma yoga. For me this came in the idea of Peace Corps. And I did it. The idea came and I made it happen. And now I am here in the Republic of Moldova and am crying because I realize why I am here. And I am crying because I realize I haven't cried like this in a long time. And I am a crier. 

And so, after all of this rambling, I learned something about myself today. My crying and feeling and sensitivity, like in this night of crying over a line in an email, this is a great gift. All along I thought I was overly-sensitive and over-reactive, but in reality, I am processing what I am experiencing. And when I process instead of holding back, I am able to move. I can move through and on. I can flow. I know many people who do not process their emotions. They are stacked and packed, perfect packages or bombs ready to explode. I hope to share the gift of embracing the flow. I know I am creating my life, and I know that I am good at processing and moving through. I am still no expert, but I learning every day and getting stronger and stronger...SO GRATEFUL!

Celebrating my birthday with colleagues in Balti, Moldova

Just Because

This is what came up today.

We all go through hard times. Dark times. Life is both. Light and dark. Finding a graceful way to move between these two places...that is true success.

Someone is in that dark place right now. Maybe it's you.

Here's my letter to you:

Dear Beloved,

I am not sure exactly what you're going through but I can sense it. What I know is that all great souls have to reach some place of darkness before a period of intense light, so that they may recognize and go after that light. So that they will remember the other side of the coin. We have heard of "the dark night of the soul".

My own first deep dive into the dark was when my brother died. It was sudden and traumatic and took a long time to process. And that's OK. Life is just an experiment for processing all that happens around us. We experience things as happening "to" us but really we're all just trillions of mattered-particles spinning around and bumping into eachother and it's our emotions that start clinging to "things". The harder the clinging, the bigger the lesson. It sounds so cold...that the great sages could move through deaths and losses without showing emotion. However, this was just out of a place of complete understanding that all that was happening was in many ways an illusion and quite temporary. That all that is "real" lasts forever. And when something is lost or changes, it wasn't "real" and just an experience.

So that is the question? What does actually last forever? Really? Not our bodies, our jobs, our homes, even our relationships (although I like to think some carry on with us!). What is left? Our Selves. Everything else can go in a split second.

Life seems to offer us these sometimes seemingly "terrifying, paralyzing, how-the-heck will I survive?" lessons. And I ask myself, WHY?! WHY THIS LESSON? WHAT DO I NEED TO LEARN HERE? I cry, I feel sad, sorry...but then...finally...I remember how many lessons I have payed for in my life: yoga, cooking, nutrition, dance...all areas I want to learn more about for my personal growth and to in turn help others. And what I have realized, is that sometimes we don't get to sign-up for and attend lessons, they are simply brought TO us. And these are the ones that matter most. Because God/the Universe brought them and knew we needed them and they will shape our souls into exactly the shape they need to be. IF we pass of course.

How do we pass? Well, I guess only we can know if we have moved through something with the most grace, surrender and acceptance we can muster. And each time we go through that darkness we pick up a new strength, a new tool.  I wish you all of those things right now.

Be gentle with your Self. It will get better. I promise.

XOm

All Abuzz. (or 10 Things I Learned this Year in Moldova)

Laying on the "hospital" bed this morning, I become acutely aware of the fact that I was in a completely different place than where I grew up, from "my culture". I used the word hospital in quotes because it was actually an old military hospital and the office I was visiting was that of a massage therapist. The room was large and stark with separate "booths" for the massage therapist's patients. The furniture was old, straight out of the Soviet 70's. There was a light buzzing sound and the light  sound of the radio in the background further compounded my recognition of "foreignness" by producing elevator-music-like Russian ballads. 


-----


Last Friday marked one-year since I arrived here in Moldova as a Peace Corps Volunteer. It was a  nice reason to celebrate and also to take some time to reflect on what I have learned this year-about Moldova, about life, about my Self. I quickly realized how comfortable I am here. I truly feel "home". However, there are certain incidents that pop up to remind me that I am definitely some place different. (More below). Here I have compiled a short list of the top 10 interesting things I have either learned, or solidified my belief in, over this past year:


1. People are People-no matter where you live, people have the same basic fears, hopes, desires, and needs. These fluctuate in types and sizes based on culture, socio-economic status and background,of course, but BASICALLY...we all want to belong, to have fun, to be acknowledged, to be loved.
2. Life is Life-no matter where you go, life has ups and downs, dark and light, the good and the bad. Our experience as to how profound or dramatic this wheel of life is, depends more greatly on our inner state, than on our outer environment. 
3. Food is yummy-no matter where you are, you will find food you like and it will taste good. (Well, maybe this is one I learned about myself!). My favorite foods in Moldova are: Голубцы (cabbage rolls), mamaliga (a kind of cornmeal-like polenta), борщ (borscht-red with beets and a dallop of sour cream), халва (halva made from sunflower seeds), the pumpkin seeds, and all the fresh local veggies and fruits found at the базар (outdoor market)
4. Friends are important-back home, if I was having a mental breakdown, there were a handful of close friends and family I could easily call. Now, I have to check to see who is on Skype, what is the time, wait for an email reply, or trust the new people around me to not judge and just share with them. In these kinds of situations one quickly realize how important close and trustworthy relationships are. You also realize the importance your relationship with your Self.(the most important!)
5. Language is a big deal-You wouldn't think it's such a big deal: "ok so my family grew up speaking Russian, yours Romanian, maybe we both don't speak each perfectly but..." Well-it IS. I am constantly asked why I am learning to speak Russian in Moldova, a predominantly Romanian-speaking culture. I have to explain first that is wasn't my choice, it was assigned to me, and then I try to go into the fact that there are people in this country who don't understand Romanian that actually need assistance as well. My idealistic side says, "Hey look we all speak the language of friendship and understanding". But that view gets kicked in the butt every time...
6. I could probably live anywhere and be OK-I suspected this about myself, and now I know. Давай! (let's go!)
7. Massage is important-I have three different massage therapists in my phone. No matter how much yoga, sleep, water, sunshine ect. I get, I find I need touch and my muscles require some work. Some might say it's a waste of money, I say they're missing out!
8. Transparency is king-It does NO HELP to hide one's feelings. This is true EVERYWHERE, but when you're in a foreign place and people act differently culturally, there is no "reading between the lines" to figure out what the heck you want/don't want. You HAVE to SPEAK UP and be clear. Wow, that's a tough one coming from America where we tend to sugarcoat everything.
9. Russian music is fun- Elka-Provence Tочна! And so is Romanian!  Kamelia-Prima oara
10. Soviet Winnie the Pooh is cuter than the American version.


-----


I hope you have enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed writing it! I had a rough weekend this past one. After the joyous one-year anniversary celebrations, I discovered that my bank accounts had been hacked. I won't go into the details, but needless to say, such an experience can set you on a spin. After one night of lost sleep, I decided to not let such a "life experience" get the best of me. It was my second bout of theft while here and that is certainly more frequent than when I lived in the U.S. However, life is life (as mentioned above). 


Good and bad things happen. There are "good" and "bad" people everywhere. However, it is our inner life reflected out that will shape our experience of the world around us. We can spin, we can be stagnant...we can BUZZ a harmonious and joyous vibration. I chose to stop the spinning, to put on Vinnie Pooh (promise me you'll watch it-I laugh each time) and laugh, to get a massage in a room that buzzed...buuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzz! 


LIFE HAPPENS. How will you BEE in that?


XOm!

Star, Star, Teach Me How to Shine, Shine

Light fixture I liked on recent trip to Budapest-key word, LIGHT

Just had to throw in a little Moldovan love. My host sister, Diana, in traditional dress at the Cricova Hram, or city day, in May. She danced the hora with her friends for all the town. It was awesome!

So. It's been a while. I have been asking myself almost daily at this point, "Why aren't I writing on my blog?" It's not that I don't think about writing. Perhaps it's more that my thoughts don't come together in any way that I see worth sharing. Usually, an entire blog post is written in my head while I do some mundane task like showering or making breakfast. Once I finish said task, I open my notebook and viola. It hasn't been like that lately. I can't quite put it into words, but it goes alongside a post I had written last summer about processing. There seem to be long periods of time where I just can't share enough. Life seems, well, novel. It's all churning and epiphanies and pondering. And then there are other times. When life seems just plain confusing. Nothing seems to connect, it's all swirling and whirling and there's no making sense of it. As you can guess, this has been life for me over the past few months...whirling and twirling and staying afloat.


Don't get me wrong. It's not as though I have been sitting on my tush, down and out, nor depressed. I have in fact been so busy with my work here and with keeping my health at a reasonable place, that I have to remind myself to come up for air every once in a while. Like today for example. I have been waking up with mild fevers in the morning the last few days and just feeling all-around pooey. I called my partners to say I was going to take a day to just stay home and rest. Wow. Look what happens when I do that...I actually write a blog post. I needed some hours to be with just me to put it together, to be able to communicate what I am going through, and as to why I haven't been sharing. 


I want to share. It's the greatest joy in life-right? I mean, you experience something, you learn something from that, and then you share.  Whether to warn the other about that type of experience, to tickle them with the laughter of your story, or to share a valuable insight about the nature of life, sharing our experiences connects us all in a profound way.


I hope that with this "breaking of the ice" I can re-open my conversation with you all and start to share again. I am not so sure that the clarity has returned, I am still in somewhat of a fog (more on my suspicions of the WHYS for another post)...but the intention is there. And isn't that what matters most? The reasons WHY we do what we do...


In respect to what I have just shared, I realized I was listening to  The Frames as  I wrote this post. And thus, the title of this post is from one song (and it's a full moon right now which isn't quite a star but DOES shine!), and another has inspired me with following refrain/reminder:


We have all the time in the world, to get it right, to get it right.
We have all the love in the world, to shed a light, to shed a light.


I suppose it doesn't really matter much that I have taken this time away from writing, from sharing. Just so long as I do shed some light. 


XOm

Changing Hearts & Minds: A Balancing Act

My "artistic" attempt to signify balance in life: yoga & heels

Since I am interested in both business and balance (my chosen method being yoga), I closely follow the movement of social entrepreneurship (SE). A recent article proposed a possible distinction between SE and cultural entrepreneurship(CE).  Of course I had to wrap my brain around this one. What really grabbed my attention was how the authors, stated that, "a new distinction must be made between innovations that focus on changing markets and systems and those that change hearts and minds". Aaahhhh...yesssssssss.

Last night around 11PM I opened my email and had received my weekly newsletter from Social Edge, the online community operated by the Skoll Foundation. The main topic, to my delight, was CE. I opened the discussion and felt compelled to contribute my two cents on the subject. So much so that I stayed up until 2AM crafting my response! So unlike me, but when passion is alive...

I hope I don't entirely bore you, but I thought I would share my contribution on the subject, as I hope you will see how a balanced and heart-centered approach to enterprise ties into the balance and peace we seek through yoga. I would love for you to join this conversation!

----

At first glance I love this distinction and find it useful albeit slightly confusing (as I will explain below). Just as we separate sociology and psychology, as they are each working on different levels of the human experience, these two types of entrepreneurship are working on different levels of societal influence. I would say that cultural entrepreneurship is more psychologically inclined and henceforth has the possibility to create far more impact than that of social entrepreneurship. Approaching an issue from the inside (or the mind/heart level) will always be more effective and more sustainable than doing so from the outside. Although I cannot say it is easier. In fact, it is something that takes a quality somewhat lacking in today’s fast-paced world: patience.

And thus he issue of how to measure the impact of such campaigns and enterprises arises. Can one measure how many hearts have been uplifted from a sermon or a yoga class? Can one measure how a new leader affects the livelihoods of their constituency? The answer is yes, but with time; more time than it takes to measure how many people are now wearing shoes or glasses.  But there are indeed metrics that can be set up and measured over time requiring investors and project managers alike to take on a patience that does not come easily or naturally with our number-crunching, analysis-hungry professional society. (Maybe we should start a cultural movement to address this? Hmm)

I do not believe that CE interrupts the organic creative process of art and writing. Who is to say that all forms of art aren’t always a message for society, for humanity? Is it any different to paint a piece for an art gallery or for a campaign? Can a person’s need to express themselves and their urgency for change in the world through film, word or any other canvas be discounted as not being entirely creative? I see no disruption here. It is for each individual to decide how their creativity is manifested through their work and/or leisure.

Key influencers in such movements would seem quite easy to pin down. Who has the Twitter following? Who is selling the most books? However, anyone who has studied psychology or even philosophy (especially eastern) might argue that it is not always as it seems who holds the key to the hearts and minds of people. It seems this task will also fall under the somewhat ambiguous and hard-to-pin-down category as the impact metrics. This will require an increased level of patience but more importantly a leadership that is as good at listening to their own hearts as they are listening to logic and reason. Intuition, as pointed out in Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink, is a highly effective tool and when properly attuned can produce great results. I propose that within cultural entrepreneurship it is not only that we are looking to change the hearts and minds of people and society, but we are doing so from within enterprises and leadership that already have these two areas aligned. And since social entrepreneurs should also have these attributes, they too contribute to this larger cultural change. In this I see the term “cultural entrepreneurship” as the larger of the two types, perhaps the more important of the two, but certainly they are in synergy.

The confusion I mentioned in opening is due to the fact that culture is generally part of society, and so one might assume that societal change would be the more important of the two. However, I find cultural change far more pressing in creating lasting, sustainable change. Social entrepreneurs address issues arising from cultural influence (example: providing glasses in a society whose culture has not yet produced healthcare options or coverage). Cultural entrepreneurs influence the people who comprise said cultures (example: campaigns to spark interest in public policy). These people and their ever changing cultures go on to influence and change the social issues addressed by social entrepreneurs. (Now that was a mouthful!) It's both! It's synergy. We need both so let's keep up the momentum!*

*This response has been slightly altered from original to make sense away from the original prompts.

Om tat sat! 

Thinking About Not Thinking?

What would happen if we dropped the notion that there is anything to do, anywhere to go, something to attain, anything that needs to be different than what is in this very moment?  


What if we forgot about things like enlightenment and ascension?  If we stopped the search? If we stopped intellectualizing, thinking, ruminating? If we just "let it be"?


Food for thought (or lack thereof!)


I invite you to listen to satsanga (Sanskrit सत्सङ्ग sat = true, sanga = company) (8:41) with Mooji where he talks about enlightenment in a different way. Take a few deep breaths before watching the clip and enjoy.  OM!





Now I am off to bed, to (hopefully) allow my dreams to do my thinking for me :) What thoughts seem to take over your mind? Do you know how to slow them down? Or why you would want to?

XOm

On Beauty

Onto the ninth technique, meaning that I have been here in Moldova for nine months-wow! Hard to imagine the day when I will be writing about the 27th technique (which is "Omnipresent Splendor" so good thing I have plenty of time to chew on that)! I decided to stop titling these Ascension posts as "Techniques" and am moving to simply using the technique as a topic and in doing so, relating that topic back to how it leads us straight to our highest Self.

Beauty

The word itself can conjure up a vast array of images.  Close your eyes and silently repeat the word.  What do you see?  Perhaps a woman with any number of appealing physical traits, a flower, beauty products like cosmetics and perfume, the goddesses Venus and Aphrodite, a beauty salon, a sunny beach, a mountain view...and the list goes on.  What each of these images or ideas has in common is that they ignite something within us that is either pleasing, painful, or both.

Beauty is actually very useful, as I discovered in pondering my own karma with the subject. I used to think it was shallow. "Beauty is only skin deep" is a saying many of us liken to when we have been hurt because something we thought was beautiful/nice/kind turned out to be quite the opposite. But here's the catch 22...everything is beautiful and everything has the potential to be painful.  That is the duality of the world we live in.  You want to look beautiful, so you feel sad if you don't.  You want to live in big beautiful home, but your small apartment makes you feel cramped and unsuccessful. Whatever your longing may be, it is the beauty that we imagine outside of us that lures us to that thing.  And henceforth, when we realize that the beauty we see around us is just a reflection of our inner beauty and that the ugly we see around us the same, we can embrace that all is both.  But beauty draws us, hopefully in the end, to truth/love/peace.

"A candle loses nothing of itself in lighting another candle" ~Thomas Jefferson

As I began to point to earlier, beauty can stir us some not-so-appealing emotions, usually in the form of envy or jealousy. To tackle this broad subject I once again turn to my sixteen-year-old self for a piece of writing that came about when in the abyss of a time of jealousy, high school:

-----How do we become lonely, surrounded by the constant beauty, that of the earth? No matter where we may find ourselves, there is beauty. There is beauty in life. All aspect of what gift we have been given as living on this earth, are beautiful.

Now there are factors that can mask the beauty that lies beneath. Hatred, jealousy, and most of all hurt and pain. The hardest thing of all is to rise above these emotions. To rise above all these things and to make special care to notice the light, the love, that surrounds our planet.-----

The Buddha said, “When we find the way, we find the beautiful here and now, and know what beauty really is.”  To me this says that when we find our way, when we “ascend”, we are no longer grasping for some elusive ideal outside of ourselves. When our heart is no longer grasping, beauty is all that is left.

In the end, beauty attracts us and so draws us to connect-with one another and with our world. Let kindness be your beauty secret!

Om tat sat.

A Post on Post

Growing up I had many Catholic friends and come February, they would discuss what they were giving up for Lent.  In my Protestant family, I simply made crafts from palms got some great chocolates come Easter morning. No giving up anything. But now that I am grown and actually quite interested in spiritual observances AND dietary cleanses, I have taken notice to the practice of religious fasting here in Moldova.  Orthodox Christians are rather rigorous in their observance of fasting, believing that regular fasting is a crucially important discipline for one's spiritual growth. Here in Moldova they call this fasting Post. I can’t find anywhere on the Internet that describes it this way but here it is Post and I have decided to observe this practice this year. We are fast approaching the longest Post period of the year, known as the Great Lent. 

In general, this fasting means abstaining from meat and meat products, dairy products and eggs (which historically were considered more luxury foods than ordinary breads), fish, olive oil, and wine with some additional restrictions on certain days, and some other allowances on other days.

I wanted to explore, what is the goal of post? And here is what I found:

1. Purification of Body
2. Strengthening of will
3. The uplifting of the soul over the body
4. Above all, glorification of God and respect for His saints.

And here is a full rundown of how to follow this Easter-time fasting/post. There are a lot of details and I am not sure I will strictly follow the special days, but at least I know have this reference ;)

4 WEEKS OF PREPARATION (February 5 – 26)

• February 5 is the Sunday of the Publican and Pharisee and the week that follows (February 6-12) is fast-free.
• February 12 is the Sunday of the Prodigal Son and the week that follows (February 13-19) is a normal week. Wednesday and Friday of this week are fasting days.
• February 19 is Meatfare Sunday (the Sunday of the Last Judgment) and on this day you say “farewell” to meat. During the week that follows (February 20 – 26) you fast from meat only. All dairy, cheese, eggs, wine, and oil are permitted during this week.
• February 26 is Cheesefare Sunday (the Sunday of Forgiveness) and on this day we say “farewell” to cheese, dairy, eggs, wine, oil, etc.  (And by “farewell” you can actually have it on this day; it is the last day before the full fast).  After this begins the full fast…

GREAT LENT AND HOLY WEEK 2012 (February 27 – April 14)

In general, the fasting rules during Great Lent and Holy Week are as follows:

·         WEEKDAYS are observed as Strict Fast Days.  On these days we abstain from meat, dairy, fish with backbones, fowl, alcoholic beverages, and olive oil.

·         WEEKENDS are observed as Wine and Oil Days.  On these days the fast is relaxed to permit alcoholic beverages and olive oil.

In addition, two special “feastdays” that fall during this period - Annunciation (March 25) and Palm Sunday (April 8) -are kept as Fish, Wine, and Oil Days.  On these days the fast is relaxed to permit fish, in addition to alcoholic beverages and olive oil.

There are also certain days of the Lenten-Holy Week cycle that have special fasting rules.

• Great and Holy Thursday (April 12, this year) is observed as a Wine and Oil Day due to the commemoration of the institution of the Eucharist.
• Great and Holy Saturday (April 14, this year) is observed as a Strict Fast Day-the only Saturday of the year kept as a strict fast; however, wine (but not oil) is permitted.

-----

A dietary theory I have always felt good about is seasonal eating.  Not only does eating what Mother Nature provides in certain seasons make good sense financially and logistically, but it makes sense health-wise.  Storage fruits, root vegetables, and dried nuts in winter provide the sweet and grounding properties and nutrients we need to keep us warm.  Conversely summer’s light, juicy and sweet fruits lift us up to endure the long and warm days.  And so when spring rolls around, nature provides the first greens and sprouts, or foods that cleanse.  Spring is a great time for cleansing-it is called “spring cleaning” after all!  And so observing this fast is, for me, a kind of cleansing.  But more importantly, it will be an exercise of my will, to help me to strengthen my ability to rule, soul over body. 

It’s also a great reason to experiment how your body feels on a vegan diet.  Often the thought of just “going vegan” overnight can seem really overwhelming.  But if you know it’s only for 40 days and there are thousands of other people doing it too, it can help the mind and body to submit to the change with more ease.  There is no lack of information on the internet about the benefits of a vegan diet-whether they are for health or environmental reasons (or both!).  I am not here to advocate any certain way of feeding your physical body, but I am here to advocate feeding your soul.

And to keep in mind, here in Moldova we don’t have things like tempeh and rice milk, or even peanut butter.  I have heard rumors of tofu and soy milk in the capital and will see what I can find.  Those foods are certainly not something I want to eat every day, but will be helpful in getting creative with recipes. And since I will abstain from yogurt, I plan to learn more about fermenting vegetables and even have a lesson for sauerkraut planned with my Russian tutor, which I will post the recipe for on Taste of Peace. We need our probiotics! I will be sure to keep you all updated on the 40 days; how I feel, challenges, new-found loves for foods, awakenings (hey-a girl can dream). Here’s to my last weekend with yogurt for a while (or maybe forever?) Would you like to join me?

XOm!

References:

Wikipedia

All Saints Antiochian Orthodox Church

Can't Help Falling in Love...

I do a lot of contemplating about desires, wants, satisfaction, peace of mind, happiness, and in the end...love. Because that is what it all boils down to in my book. I have spent most of my life either dreaming about "falling in love" or going through the process, only to oh-too-soon be moving through the painful process of having that "love" taken away, fall apart, or simply seem to vaporize.  


Earlier this week, as a legend in music's death hit the news, a friend sent me a link to the one song that Whitney Houston shared with the world that really hit us all over the head. In my dear friend's words, "I will remember her as bringing one of the most powerful, positive songs into the world. She was meant to sing this song. The words so beautifully describe falling in love with the Divine within- truly the greatest love of all." Of course she was referring to the song The Greatest Love of All. I remembered being a small girl in the back seat of my mom's station wagon listening to that song. I found the greatest, love of all, inside of me.


I decided to share some of those lyrics on my Facebook wall as way to commemorate the late singer, but also as a reminder to myself and others about self-love. It's a topic that seems to be gaining mainstream popularity with articles about people never finding love (and living to tell about it-haha) and TED Talks about what actually makes marriage work (and how 50% fail within a decade). As I read through Houston's song lyrics, I decided to post the following lines:


The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all


What our minds leap to most quickly on the topic of love, is more accurately, relationship.  Love, as will be explained a little further down, exists within everything. Or in other words, life IS love.  They cannot be separated. It is only our minds that make up a story about us either having or not-having love. And as a friend commented under my post on Facebook, "It's not so easy to achieve!" And she is right. Learning to love ourselves is difficult. We are so much better, so much more used to, and so much more "rewarded" for being self-critical. While no one wants to hear another bragging about how wonderful their life is, it seems to be completely normal to discuss how horrible, dreadful our jobs, bodies, families  are. Where did this come from? Why is it so bad to be appreciative of all we have? To be IN LOVE with our lives?


Today, on Valentine's Day, a day where we celebrate this "relationship love", I have been listening to the Ingrid Michaelson remake of Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Aside from that I really like the artist's voice, I went into the listening with an open mind and heart. Where would my mind take me as I let it wander? I knew going into push play, that I might start to have those thoughts that say, "Why doesn't anyone ever fall in love with me?" and, "I wonder if I am lovable?" But I also knew that I was embracing the fact that I am where am in my life and relationships by choice. And knowing that I have an open heart...could I rise above those thoughts? I will "brag" here that I did :) As I listened to the words, I can't help, falling in love with you, I realized that the one person that I wanted to love more than anyone, and the one "person" I wanted to love "me"...more than anything, was me. 


I can remember being a little girl, perhaps around 5 years old. I was a goofy little thing. All smiles, laughter and mischief. She was aware of the love that she was full of. And then life happened and she started listening more and more to what the world outside of her said. She took those things and reflected back to herself that she wasn't "good enough" in so many ways. Today, I remember being her, being wonderful, and I accept that I am still her. And I love her.


I will close this post with the reminders I have posted here twice before, about love. These are the lessons of love I learned from my yoga teacher, Swami Sitaramananda:  


LOVE is:

1) Different than attachment. Attachment always brings along its friend fear. If we think it's possible to lose something, then we are attached. Attachment can indeed turn in to love-but only once fear is removed. 
2) Pure and Selfless. Love is to give and not to get.
3) Different than desire. Desire is insatiable. It can never truly be fulfilled. Desire implies something you don't already have (quite different from love which is in us all-at all times) and that you must look externally for it. This search leads to suffering.
4) Infinite. It is never damaged and it never dries up. Love has no beginning and no end. It is our natural state. It is our birthright.
5) Creative. It has the power to redeem, renew, transform. Once we open to love, anything and everything is possible.
6) Present in all conditions. It is the greatest wealth, the greatest peace, and it's yours NOW and forever.


I LOVE YOU!   OM tat sat.

Oops I Did it (Once AGAIN?!)

Sometimes we think we might never learn.  We make the same mistakes over and over and over.  And why?  Well it's because these mistakes are part of a habitual action that took years and years to create and will take years and years to deconstruct.  And every step is a small success...right?  Be gentle with yourself.


Growing up we didn't have a ton of sweets in the house.  My mom would bake cookies, breads and brownies here and there.  They were a treat more than a standard.  Halloween meant candy, which I loved.  And once I got into high school and could drive myself right over to the store where there were aisles of sweet stuff?  Uh-oh, trouble.  Who knows why I have such a sweet tooth.  I have a handful of theories:
1) I took a lot of antibiotics as a kid so maybe my intestinal flora got wiped, replaced by candida (yeast) that is constantly craving sugar and I am its stupid host listening and obliging.  Sounds scary right?
2) Because we didn't have a lot of sweets around the house, I knew it must be "bad for me" and so I went overboard with it in rebellion eventually becoming hooked on the stuff. 
3) The psychological factor.  Perhaps I crave more "sweet" in my life:  touching, hugging, kissing, kind words, holding hands, playfulness, forgiveness, compassion, smiles...you know...the SWEET stuff.  Sooo, instead of seeking that, chocolate and cookies are a much quicker "fix".  

Cravings. Hooked. Fix. Habit...Sounds like I am a drug addict-right? Well kind of. If I am going to overindulge in something, it is going to be sweets. And since my arrival in Moldova, I completely let my guard down in this area. New place, new faces, wanting comfort:  COOKIES. Tired from travel and learning a new language: COFFEE. Missing friends and family, hugs and smiles (not exactly handed out in these parts): CHOCOLATE. Relaxed and enjoying myself with my host sister: COOKIES with CHOCOLATE BUTTER (what!?-yes as tasty as it sounds).

After a good six months of this behavior, I finally hit a wall.  Around the holidays I started to develop some awful stomach aches. If I didn't eat, if I did eat, if I ate cookies, if I ate veggies...everything was painful. My body was speaking to me: "JULIE!!!  Enough is enough!"  And thankfully I (finally) listened. After almost two weeks of successfully cutting out flour, sugar, dairy (except for yogurt), chocolate, and coffee, I am on the road to much better digestion. Trust me, there is no way to say goodbye to things like chocolate or coffee forever, but they will stay on my "treat" list where they belong. Or so I hope and will try...
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A little over a year ago I posted a short and easy 3 Day Detox that I love but many of the ingredients just don't exist in Moldova. (Note to self, work on Moldovan version). And not too far along after that, I posted again about alignment and about my relationship to food, but this time as a proclamation that I was moving away from talking about it. I was burnt out. I stated, "I know all I need to know". Hahahaha...how I laugh now. The truth is I do know what to eat to be healthy. What I didn't approach was how to go about doing that. I knew I was headed for some health challenges in joining the Peace Corps and moving to a foreign land. I knew I would need to adjust my diet. But what I didn't see was that it wouldn't be the microbes and the bad food that would get me, it would be my own choices that would.  


Of course I should be a little easy on myself and understand that stress and yes, the microbes, do make health matters more challenging (oh and -7 degree weather! brrrr). But I guess what I am getting at is, I am BACK into food. Now that I have some healing to do, I am on the Internet looking for gluten-free recipes and am full of new ideas for yummy creations that don't require added sugar or flour. Sunflowers are one of Moldova's biggest crops, so here is to explorations in the world of sunflower seed flour! I think I will start with these. I will report back on my progress. Here's to continued learning, and to the JOY OF HEALTH. It is so sweet!


Om tat sat.

Technique 8: PEACE! (Or, Second Chances)

Swami Vishnudevananda, who started the ashram where I did my yoga teacher training, had a famous saying, "Health is Wealth, Peace of Mind is Happiness".  When I first heard those words, I knew I had found myself in the right place.  I have always been on the trail for how to feel the best in my body and in my life.  I could remember being very young and having so much energy that people would have to literally hold me down.  And then I got mono at age 13.  I haven't physically been the same since really.  So it's been a quest for that true wealth I remembered feeling as a vibrant and clear human.  Now I can reflect and say that being hit with an immune-crushing case of mono was something, but it was also that age: 13.  I was just getting into the tough social stuff at school.  My energy was not only crushed by a virus, but by what I was learning about the world around me.  It was hard for me to digest.  And still is...

And so good digestion, high energy, clarity of mind and spirit- have been my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I chase them, and their attainment is the wealth I hope to accumulate.  I get distracted of course.  I have been quite distracted here on my Peace Corps adventure to be honest.  The desire to be comfortable with the new places and faces around me, led me straight into some bad habits.  And my body has rebelled.  I am lucky that I am as sensitive as I am; that I have probably caught whatever damage is happening to my digestive tract early-on.  But as someone who has studied nutrition and holistic living, it was startling to myself how far off track I could go! (Long story-short:  cookies, chocolate, coffee and wine became a norm rather than a treat)  Thank God for second chances!  I woke up today realizing it is February 1st.  This post, Technique #8, was supposed to be January's.  And the one I posted in January was supposed to be December's...there is a pattern here!  And this pattern is really messing with my peace of mind.  But today is a whole new month, a whole new beginning.  Every day we wake up, we have the choice to have a new beginning!


Peace.  According to Merriam-Webster, peace is the freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.  We can apply this meaning to any number of areas:  peace on earth, peace in the Middle East, peace within a family, peace between enemies.  But the peace the I found myself so very interested in, was the peace the Swami Vishnu spoke of, peace of mind.  Ah, that sounds PERFECT.  That sounds like exactly what I want more than anything on earth.  Lovers, cars, money, jobs, fashion, status?  UMMMM....NO.  I want PEACE OF MIND.  Oh but wait, I want those other things a bit too...hmmm....(and here we go, watch how this works, dialog with self):

Oh my gosh, all I want is to feel at peace with all, especially with myself!
Really, I can just imagine, no disturbing thoughts, no negativity towards anyone....
Oh wait, didn't I just read that so-and-so is now designing clothes?
Hmmm...if I had just followed my dreams to work in fashion I would be using this pent-up creativity...I would be surrounded by beauty and color and making money and ......
Wait...Ah, that thought is hurting me!  I feel it in my stomach like a weird nervous pain.
OK-wait, peace, I want peace.
But wait, if I had a dream job and money and a husband and 2.5 kids, a house on the beach, oh and one in the mountains...wouldn't I have lack for want and wouldn't I THEN be peaceful?
(Some deep-seated, soft, knowing voice):  Nooooooooo
Oh right, I can choose to be peaceful now, can't I?  Dope!  


Does this sound familiar to anyone?  What is crazy is that that exact conversation can occur in one's thoughts over the course of maybe 30 seconds.  Can you imagine just how many thoughts are running through our minds daily?  Disturbing us?

The Eighth Technique establishes Peace with all of relative creation, thereby further stabilizing harmlessness. It also has the effect of confirming the most important relationship of the individual with the Source of All that Is: the limited self surrenders to the Infinite.


Two main ideas jump  out to me as I read this description from the document:
1.  further stabilizing- a stable sense of Self, a stable state of mind.  A lack of fluctuations of thoughts from one extreme to another, will indeed bring about peace.  The less excited and reactive our thoughts, the more HAPPY we will feel.

2.  the limited self surrenders- Surrender is a tricky thing.  As opposed to simply "giving up", we accept that there are things in this world we cannot understand.  We accept our placement, our position, our circumstances that cannot be changed and we live in grace.
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The truth is, we are living in a time when finding true peace of mind is very difficult.  In the ancient yoga traditions, this is the time of the Kali Yuga, a time of darkness.  And while we have so much intellect being sparked here on earth, as seen through the inventions and accelerated evolution of technology, the darkness refers to our ability to see into our selves, to understand our true nature (aka spirituality).  We are exposed to an increasing amount of information each day, and we have to first develop our discernment in order to know what to allow in, and what to block out.  But that takes time, patience and a person who wants to cut through the clutter more than they want to win, to own, or to prove.  I don't find it impossible for there to be peace on earth one day.  But I do find that this will first require each and every individual on earth to first find peace within themselves.  And this...this will take time.  Just remember...every day is a second chance, every day we can choose to move towards PEACE.


Om shanti.  Om tat sat.

Technique 7: EARTH!

This is the next post in the Ascension series.  Since this is December's post (opa! meaning "oops" in Russian-ish, at least here in Moldova!), there will be two this month.  My next post will be on my two Christmases and 2 New Years :)


Oh Earth, oh home!  There are so many, many topics I could cover regarding you: your health, your ecology, your age, your size...


But there is an aspect of you that grabs my attention so dearly.  The one thing about you that I find such a place in my heart for...humans.  Yes, Earth, you have us humans all over you.  We change you, we use you, we play with you.  And you support us.  No matter what we do, you provide us water, minerals, food, and oxygen.  That is amazing.  You must know about unconditional love.


And so with this technique, Earth, I want to address what I find to be the most plaguing issue on your plate today.  It is what I am always writing about.  It is humanity, it is our true nature, and it is what keeps us from knowing that and henceforth clinging to you, dear Earth, so tightly.


The Earth Technique....designed to remove the last of the separation between the individual and the Universe...The Earth Attitude creates a refined level of witnessing, the hallmark of Perpetual Consciousness, 


When I read this, I think of a poem I had read while looking up the Eagle's animal totem.  On one of my last days in the U.S. prior to my Peace Corps departure, my family and I stumbled upon an immature Bald Eagle on a Cape Cod beach.  And this was the message:


On the currents of the Four Winds
you ride the sky
held aloft by unseen hands
that hold you close to the Grandfather


Far below lies the world of Man
a realm in which you also dwell,
yet always from within
comes the ache to rejoin the Great Spirit


Caught between two realms,
you remind all who witness your beauty and strength
of the eternal struggle of the two-legged
to rise above the mundane
and feel the Soul take flight

Caught between two realms
This is how I often feel and I have made that clear in a number of my posts.  This seemingly innate desire to rise up spiritually, to detach from mundane worldly pleasures is almost immediately met with an attitude of, "OK, I am here, let's just do this and enjoy it."  And so finding the balance between these two places is a great challenge.  And what I want to share with you today is what I see as humanity's current great challenge, from a very broad and esoteric view.  I warn you now about that, so if you are not interested in such ideas, no need to go further.  I am going to mention the likes of governments, religions, and materialism.  I don't mean "materialism" like, "...she a gold digger", (though that too), but more as an over-current to modern man's view of life being so solid, so concrete, so dense, so absolute. I do not mean to judge or condemn. These are simply the times we live in. It's written in the stars. It is a part of our evolution as a whole.  I simply want to bring some things to light in order to assist with our further evolution, to nudge us all, closer to Truth.

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Our Material World: Government and religion leading the way
Governments are and have always been afraid of authentic spiritual knowledge.  This is mostly due to the fact that if a person truly believes/understands the concept that, "I am not this body, I am not these thoughts, I am not ANY label" then they won't need to run to the store to buy  the things to support these labels, won't feel themselves inadequate as to look for leadership and approval from another...they won't join in the perpetuating game of "not good enough".  It is my belief, one that I do not intend to push but do want to share, that organized religion has also become a way to keep people away from their own true nature.  Unfortunately, in today's world, the one place people will often turn to in a time of hope, despair and inquiry, is the same place that will keep them at an arm’s length away actually experiencing the enlightenment we all so deeply crave-mostly on a subconscious level.

Our Deepest (Secret) Desire
Have you heard of Non-Violent Communication? It is a communication process that makes the assumption that all human beings share the same needs-what they refer to as "Universal Human Needs". They are listed as:  Connection, Interconnectedness, Competence, Meaning, Peace, Honesty, Autonomy, Celebration, and of course our Physical Needs.   The developer behind this theory proposes that all suffering comes from these basic needs not being met, whereas joy and happiness, occur when they are met.  And just like we may not be aware of these exact needs, we also might not be aware of our desire to understand our true nature.  But just like with the other needs, when not met, we cannot remain in permanent and authentic joy without it.  Something will always be missing.

We all need to eat, sleep, breathe and drink water.  But if those were all we needed, would we be any different from a squirrel or a pig?  There is something different about us indeed-all of those other things listed above.  (I am not saying animals don't too need cuddles and a sense of belonging too-some more than others).  I will take the above list one step further and propose that there is a basic human need for understanding one's true nature.  Now, I do not believe that every person, in every lifetime, will actually face this need.  But as soon as you ask yourself the question, "Who am I?", you have begun the quest, no matter how far you take it, to understanding your own true nature.  AND...IF you were to succeed on this quest, rest assured you wouldn't have much time or care to deal with things like politics, economies, shopping, buying, owning, being better, being right and so on.  No, you would rest in the understanding of your true nature as sure as the sun rises.  You would understand that all is perfect and there are no inequities.  You would be in constant peace. 

Material Clinging
And so governments and religion are certainly afraid of enlightened souls.  Their very existence depends upon people being confused and suffering.  And so they do what they have to in order to keep people asleep in material consciousness.  I hate to sound like some conspiracy theorist, and that I think governments and churches are "out to get us". While I do find it frustrating that ancient knowledge of how to understand ourselves has been all but hidden, I do also trust that most people in power are trying to accomplish what they truly believe to be best.  Unfortunately for the rest of us, they are most often operating out of an entirely unenlightened place...a place of materialistic clinging. 


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And so how does one conclude this?!  I guess the main point is that we are between two worlds my friends. And in this time as a human, we are truly of neither.  We are not pure spirit and we are not pure animal.  We are both.  Meditating on this truth can help us to understand the impermanence of it all, the fleeting qualities of the material world. Would you rather work towards what will be a part your existence for a mere blink, or for the vast eternity?  

XOm!